This is going to be a hard blog to write and I will forewarn you that some of you may not want to read it. I will leave the decision up to you if you want to move forward and read the entire post. This will probably be my last entry until after Jude's one year angelversary. It's hard to grasp the loss of a child for the family suffering the tragedy and even for those hearing about the loss. It makes people question their own mortality and their child's mortality which is nothing anyone wants to think about. Often times the response to Jude's loss is, "I cannot even imagine." Of course you can't and I don't ever want you to be in my shoes. However I do think it's important for people to truly understand how devastating it is so they can appreciate their lives and have empathy for anyone traveling this road in the future. So with that I am going to recount losing Jude. What it's really like when someone passes away. Maybe this is therapy for me, I am not sure but I feel compelled to write about it. I have mentioned I am a member of a loss forum and the comments from others make me believe that some people just don't truly comprehend how devastated these parents are. Many of the parents are pushed back to work, they have their losses compared to the loss of someone's pet, and some are accused of just seeking attention and sympathy. I luckily have encountered none of these except the pet comparison. I love my pets very much. We all know I basically have a zoo but they are not Jude and never will be. So maybe this will shed a little light on what it's like and it will help someone in the future. So here we go. I knew Jude was on hospice and we know what hospice means but for some reason I don't think I really ever comprehended that Jude in fact was going to die. Jude had a way of always bouncing back and he could literally be knocking at death's door only to be smiling a few minutes later. So the 48 hours of his demise was a whirlwind of shock. If you have bought my book you see there are two entries on 4/7/2016. I went to work that morning frustrated and tired. We had issues with Jude's feeding tube that week and I also felt like he was getting pneumonia again. He was tired, cranky, and crying but Jude had been through multiple bouts of pneumonia. I blogged that hospice was setting him up on a pain management schedule. Looking back I realize that they were setting Jude up on a schedule to pass peacefully. There were no antibiotics that time there was only Morphine and as a mom I just didn't comprehend what was happening. My next entry on 4/7/2016 was that Jude had taken a rapid turn for the worse. I knew this because hospice had called me at work and told me they thought it was time and I needed to come home. I melted into a bundle of tears when they called me but I quickly grabbed my purse and headed out the door towards home. So here is the hard part, Jude did not die peacefully. Jude's night was horrible, loud, and I was literally praying to God for him to take him. I will never forget the sound of his breathing because it is etched into my mind and although I prefer to think of Jude's smile the thought of that last night sneaks up at times. It was something a parent should never hear and should never live through. It took several counseling visits and Xanex to deal with. When Jude drew his last breath I stood there a bit in disbelief but then something took over. I am not sure if it's because I am a mom, a business person, or if it was just motions but I lept into action. I called nurse Charlotte who came over and helped me bathe Jude and fix his hair. I called the funeral home and told them I needed them to come to the house. I then called an artist to ask him to custom make Jude a Superman casket. I texted my family and asked them to keep everything private until I could get to Emily and I sent Mike to the store to get Superman pajamas. When the funeral director arrived they were amazingly kind and moved at the pace we needed them to. By then both sets of Jude's grandparents had arrived and they were waiting with us. They didn't take Jude until we were ready for them to and it was almost like a peaceful parade of people following Jude out to the the van they arrived in. Mike even helped roll Jude out and load him to be taken away from us. We discussed some final thoughts with the director and then Jude was gone. I think that's the hardest part for parents is realizing they are letting their child go even though they don't want to. When your child is taken away because they have passed away you tend to stand in shock for a bit wondering what you next moves should be. Hospice had to pour out all of Jude's medications which felt violating but they were assisted by nurse Allan which made me feel a little better. I then gathered up some items and Mike and I left to go to Dallas to tell Emily. Emily was giving up her title for Miss Dallas teen and honestly there was no better place for her to be. I texted my friend Beaux and told him I was 5 minutes away when we got close to the facility. Somehow he just knew without me even saying a word and once I arrived he had Emily in a private place surrounded by a few people. Emily knew when she saw our faces but we calmly told her and I think everyone in that hallway cried. Emily chose to stay at the hotel with the pageant team and I honestly think that was the best decision. Somehow some way Emily mustered the strength to get up on that stage the next day and give up her crown.
Jude died 4/9/2016 and Mike's birthday is 4/10. We sat in the funeral home making decision about laying Jude to rest on Mike's birthday. I remember the funeral director making a copy of our drivers license's and when he saw Mike's you could tell he was truly touched. Being in a funeral home is odd but being in one that used to be the home of your old office is even more odd. The funeral home had bought out the office I worked at because they wanted they really wanted the building. We used Lucas funeral home which is the same company that handled my mother's funeral 36 years before. Believe it or not the lady that handled her arrangements was still with the company and remembered my family. We sat and made decisions regarding the service and let me tell you that burying someone is very expensive. We wanted to the best for Jude but people should know it's expensive, even cremation can be expensive. I highly recommend life insurance on your entire family. I am the poster child for why people should carry it between losing my mother and losing Jude. I remember sitting at the round table watching the funeral directors mouth move and concentrating on understanding what he was saying. It's like my brain needed extra time to process anything that was being said but somehow we got through it. I remember wondering where Jude was in the facility and realizing I probably didn't want to know. The next hours my friends lept into action and pulled together everything I had wanted for Jude. A friend blew up and mounted pictures, they found display stands for them, balloons, bubbles, music, readings, and more. My grandmother stopped me after Jude's service and said she was amazed at how quickly it came together and how amazing it was. That's because I had a team of people working behind the scenes. A team that realized when I was missing before the service something was very wrong. My friend Kelly found me in the bathroom in a full blown panic attack. Somehow they talked me back down and I was able to walk out into the service with my family. The church was a sea of superhero shirts and it took my breath away, even the funeral home team had Superman shirts on under their suits. I will forever be grateful for my family and friends that day. My friends who could get me to pose for this picture for Jude the day we buried him.
The days following Jude's burial seemed to pass so quickly but the nights were excruciatingly long. Charlotte didn't show up anymore at 7:30 in the morning to relieve Candice the night nurse. I no longer answered the door disheveled and sleepy to greet her with a crooked smile. I just sat in Jude's room looking around at all his items and I knew I needed to pack. Everyone is different and although many people keep the child's room intact I for some reason had to pack his. I found a place to donate all of Jude's medical equipment to, a home for his sleep safe bed, and a home for some of his clothes. My friend Gina showed up unannounced and began helping me pack his items. She just knew what I would be doing and somehow knew to be there and she brought wine. Packing your child's belongings into a cardboard box because you have lost them to death is nothing any parent ever plans and I grieve with those that have experienced this. The nights were so quiet because Jude's loud oxygen machine was gone and so was his sweet New Orleans nurse whose laughter could fill a room. It was a loss of multiple people and almost seemed unbearable. One day the doorbell rang and I opened it and loudly gasped. I heard Mike come running, "What is it babe is it a Ninja??". He meant a memory that was hurting me and he was right. It was Fed Ex dropping off all of Jude's monthly supplies. I just shook my head and said " No No" as lady jogging laughed because she thought I was kidding (it was a lot of boxes). I said, "Oh he died can you take them back" and the Fed Ex lady looked shocked. She had delivered to us for years and she began quickly grabbing the boxes and putting them back on her truck. She then grabbed Mike and hugged him hard and then Mike turned to escort me back in the house. Mike said I was in shock those following days and kept telling those who asked him how he was doing that he was just trying to get me through this. Then we all know that Mike's grief took over his heart and things changed. I am very grateful that he was there for me and he is still here today. Picking the headstone was surreal but a little easier to handle. It was like Jude was guiding us and it was our way of memorializing his amazing life. If you are not aware it takes months to have a headstone placed and I do mean MONTHS! When it finally arrived it was like Jude's life had a spot and we had some place to visit.
Seeing the headstone made me feel more at peace and I am not sure why. I try not to question life to much these days so I just let myself feel a little better. The months following Jude's death were not easy. We really did everything they say you shouldn't do like change jobs and move but I have found you have to do what's best for YOU. Working was very difficult and still is at times and grief still takes over at night. We question why the world keeps turning when it no longer turns for Jude and we question our true purpose in this world but somehow we keep going. However in the end I remember his smile and how amazing he was. How through all the pain, through all the suffering, and all he endured he never lost that bright beautiful smile.
So for his one year mark Mike and I are going away to Colorado. I thought about starting an event for everyone to do something kind for someone else on 4/9 but I didn't do anything official. So I think what I will do is change my Facebook profile picture to the below memorial candle and if you would like to join me you are welcome to. I questioned why I should just memorialize him and do something kind on 4/9. Maybe I would ask everyone to do something kind each day for a month. I can only imagine how many lives that would affect. So there is my story. It's not an easy one to read but none the less it's how it happened. Losing a child or any loved one is not easy. Losing a child is unnatural and not the way life is suppose to go but it is life and it's full of a lot of crappy random chaos. So if you know someone at some point who has this happen to them be a kind, gentle, and try to have patience. A little patience goes a very long way. We love and miss you Ju Ju. Cannot believe it's been a year.
I haven't blogged since my birthday and I am not really sure why. I have been overwhelmingly busy so maybe that's the case. I am really working hard to build my Perfectly Posh business to supplement our income. It's also a business I really enjoy and I love the products they offer. So forgive me if I am overwhelming you with posts in my group. https://www.facebook.com/groups/Jennsperfectlypamperedpeeps So Mike and I have decided to get away for the one year mark of Jude's death. A wonderful soul offered to donate a cabin to us in Colorado when Jude passed. It wasn't the right time but he said the offer was always there. So I recently reached back out to this person and he gladly offered his cabin for the weekend of 4/9. My friend Gina also let us use some of her stand by passes through American. They are more low cost than buying the tickets outright. I honestly just set all this up and told mike we were going. He seemed surprised and happy but a little sad as well. I think that's both how we feel about the situation. Very sad but glad to get away. We both feel like we should be at the cemetery on 4/9 but we both understand Jude will not be there. So we are shutting down social media that day and will figure out something to do in honor of Jude that will be beautiful like he was. Being more active is a goal we have as a couple over the next year. After this trip we will fly to West Virginia in August to watch Emily compete for Miss Teen Intl. Emily will then leave for the University of Alabama. Yes, she made her decision and although she will be so far I know she will only excel in life.
I must admit that after losing Jude the idea of Emily going so far is a bit unnerving. We do so much together and I enjoy her company BUT this is how I raised her. I raised her with the idea that she needed to go to college and do her best to succeed in life while helping others. I am thrilled she has decided to become a nurse. We are praying BIG time for some scholarships and would love your prayers too, lol. Then I hope that Mike and I can get away for our ten year anniversary in October. I'm growing convinced we need an RV to travel with all the animals. I wonder if it would fit my chickens? Hehe I am not sure what the next year holds for Mike and myself but I do feel like something is coming. I am not sure if it's adopting, a different job, or what it is but there is something coming. I know that sounds strange but I can just feel it. By the way if you haven't followed Emily's piggy on twitter you might. "His" posts are hilarious, @Buddy_ThePig
If you are in the local area I will be at a book signing for The Diary Of A Baby And A Stroke on 3/22 at 6:30pm at 3 Vino in Roanoke, TX.
It's my birthday. I didn't think I would wake up so sad but I did. I really have two wishes for today. I wish to go home and go back to sleep. I would like good uninterrupted continuous sleep. The kind of sleep that makes you feel refreshed and restored. I wish I could see Jude today. Since it seems neither of those things are going to happen I will settle for a picture that was taken on my birthday several years ago.
Well I was finally feeling back to my old self and I woke up congested and sounding like Darth Vader again. So if you call my office that is me answering the phone and not my boss Tim. Today I was once again reading posts from my loss group. A member had mentioned how she was encouraged by a friend to get over her grief. The friend informed her that others felt uncomfortable reaching out to her because the conversation always turned to the loss of her daughter. This in turn put the friends in an uncomfortable situation and they would rather not have to face that circumstance. My initial reaction was to squint, tilt my head to the side, and say, "What the holy hell?" I probably would have replied, " I am sorry that the loss of my child makes you feel so uncomfortable that you feel you cannot reach out to me." Then again if I step back from the situation and remove myself from the position of a grieving parent could I see the friends point? I guess in a way I could. Grief is complicated and uncomfortable and nothing anyone wants to deal with. The mom didn't want to lose her child and she is suffering horribly. I don't care if it's been 6 months, a year, or 20 years.....she is suffering and no one wants to watch anyone suffer. It's raw, it's nasty, and it's highly uncomfortable for people to see. Not everyone can handle watching someone grieve and not everyone can be a friend through a tragedy. That doesn't make them a bad person it just means they don't have the emotional strength to lend to someone for support. So it's up to grieving parents to decide who can help support them, who cannot, and maybe even those you have to cut ties with. I have always felt like God puts people in your life at particular times for a reason and sometimes he removes them too. That doesn't mean you cannot pick up years later when you have healed some it just means at that time period they are not the right fit in your life. I have noticed a trend with grieving parents I know on social media. We all tend to share pictures of our children as memories but rarely do people see the really ugly side of grieving. So I thought I would try to share a little about the raw honest facts surrounding how difficult it is to get through a loss. Grief is hard and physically taxing on your body which could be part of the explanation for this flu I cannot shake. Grief makes you forget things easily and it can sometimes change a persons entire personality. Everyone is different but for me grief feels like a horrible empty ulcer in the bottom of my stomach that hurts and aches. Eventually the ulcer began to feel a little better but it's always there and certain things can irritate that ulcer and make it flare up again with full intensity. Dealing with loss is secretly making your way to the room where you have your child's items stored in boxes. You start ripping open boxes and items just to see if you can catch their scent again then melting into a puddle of tears on the floor. Grieving is walking through a department store and seeing the children's section laced with adorable clothes and you fall apart right there in aisle 9. Loss has a way of making you not care about what you look like or where you go but finding the strength to make it through the day. It's the knowledge that eclipse shadowing the sun moves away a bit each day that you do make it through. I can also say with certainty that grieving parents do not want to listen to the comparison of their grief to the loss of your pet, relationship, or job. Those are all tragic and horrible circumstances but while someone is grieving it's best to dump the negative somewhere else and only put in positive. It may sound selfish but a grieving parent does not have the capability of offering the emotional support I mentioned above. Eventually your grieving loved one will be able to support you and listen again but until that time comes please have patience. I am blessed because the majority of people in my life have been extremely supportive and understanding. I have lost a handful of people that couldn't take my posts of Jude's memories or the blog but they were really just acquaintances anyway. I always say I am a rare one. I came out of high school with some of the most amazing best friends a girl could have and I still have them. I also have an amazing family. So when I read that others do not have this support it makes me sad and compels me to write about my experience. I only hope it can help someone in need.
Mike and I had our weekly lunch date today and on the way back to my office we discussed Jude. We have been car pooling each day and I have actually grown fond of our car rides. However this limits my ability to go to the cemetery whenever I want and thus I struggle with some guilt. Although I know that Jude is not in that cemetery I still feel a calling to visit when I can. I told Mike I am beginning to forget how Jude smelled and I don't feel him around as much anymore. I know he had the sweetest little smell and I used to bury my nose deep into his hair to give him big kisses each day. I would breathe in Jude's innocence and he would give me the biggest smile. We sat for hours on that old green couch until we actually left a permanent dent on our little section.
Sometimes the life we had seems like just yesterday and then at other times it seems so long ago. I looked at the below picture of Mike and Jude and while admiring how adorable they are I also see Jude's feeding tube.
We became proficient at maneuvering around tubes. It only takes once as a special needs parent of ripping out a feeding tube or accidentally setting the feeding pump to fast to learn from it. We could lift and reposition Jude without blinking and never miss a beat. It was a different way of life and a different way of thinking but one we knew very well. Everything was taken into account when making decisions from going out places to staying in the house. Our lives revolved around Jude's care. Mike and I get choked up when we talk to each other about Jude but we do talk and that's a good thing. We are both amazed it's almost been a year and Mike pointed out that it's been a very hard path. In the first days Mike said he wondered how he would make it until the next day, then it became wondering how to get to the next week, then the next month, and now it's almost a year. He said we made it through, we are still together, and we will continue to make it. We still miss Jude's nurses but we are able to keep up via social media and in person if we get a chance. We miss seeing Charlotte each morning but she is doing well now. She transitioned into hospice care for adults and seems to be very blessed by the position. I will never forget that on the day Jude passed nurse Allan stayed at the house while we went to tell Emily. He was wrapping up notes, stayed with the animals, and got everything he could in order. Allan said he spent hours there because it felt like home and when he finally decided to leave he had to stop and tell the house goodbye. Allan is also doing well and has two new pediatric cases that he is working and he still texts us every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday... "Morning Glory!"
Sometimes in life I believe we mean to help someone by offering advice but our advice can create new issues or the advice can make matters worse. I am writing this blog not to point fingers at anyone in particular but to maybe help others regarding communication and maybe help someone feeling down today. So if your reading this please don't take offense in any way and just know I love you. We have all heard the cliche' offerings that are given after a loved one dies. They're in a better place, God needed another angel, God won't give you more than you can handle, and at least they're not suffering. Those sentences just don't really help. Offering a hug or just sitting and crying with the grief stricken will mean far more than words. What about words that are said after some time has passed after a loved one dies? In my grief forum I watch people type out information that's been said to them. The statement that it's time to move on, it's time for you to be happy, or it's time for you to work on yourself are top on the list. I had the last line said to me twice last week. "Maybe it's time to work on yourself and start working out." This was said with the very best of intentions by two people that love me VERY much. So I am not upset by the statements at all because again they were said with love. However it literally STOPPED me in my tracks and made me think, "WAIT do I not look good? Is there something wrong with me?" because I honestly thought I looked just fine. Maybe not a bombshell but I honestly thought I looked fine before Jude passed and after. In America we have such a stigma around looking perfect like the perfect weight, height, hair, makeup, and skin. I literally had to step back and evaluate the situation. The people talking to me just want me to be happy and healthy but it still it made me realize how we look others. Why can't we just look at someone and love them just the way they are without any judgment or side conversations? I'll admit I have judged before and wondered how someone gained weight or let themselves go. In the recent Miss Universe pageant Miss Canada was widely criticized for her weight. In fact she is STILL being criticized on the pageant forums and by many Americans.
Her response was, ""While I am first to say I am not as lean as I was when I was 16, 20, or even last year…I am more confident, capable, wise, humble, and passionate than ever before," Bearchell wrote. "As soon as I started to love who I was rather than always trying to fit what I thought society wanted me to be, I gained a whole new side of life." Amen sister! I have a treadmill at my house that I like to walk on and watch Netflix. This makes me happy and makes me feel healthy. I don't push myself but when I have time I walk and watch my shows. I have been through hell and if I came out of it a little heavier and sporting a slicked back pony tail then so be it, I came through it. Things like fancy clothes and perfect looks just aren't that important to me anymore. I am doing okay and my marriage is solid so that's what matters. My husband loves me with all his heart regardless of any appearance and I am fine with myself. Do I have a goal to eventually look better, sure but right now I am pretty happy with who I am. I miss Jude and someday's are much harder than others but overall life is being handled in the best manner I know how. I am surviving each day after the loss of a child and that in itself should be pretty amazing. So if you have someone you know that lost someone they love just remember it takes time. After my mother died I remember my grandmother saying how it took her ten years before she didn't think of my mom's loss every single day. So unless asked for my advice I plan to offer hugs and support for those that need it in the future. Maybe even go out of my way to smile at someone today and tell them how nice they look. Tell yourself, "I am great just the way I am!" and then smile and mean it. On a side note I don't want to make people worry but I thought I would share one of the most prevalent postings I see in my forums regarding loss of children. Many parents lost their children in ATV accidents. So if you have a child that loves riding ATV'S it might be worth investing in a helmet and lessons regarding speed. I guess if this post can save one life then it's worth talking about. 25 percent of people killed on ATV'S are children younger than age 16.
I am so sick. I am pretty sure that the flu is the black plague in disguise and it's trying to take out the entire human population! I have been out of work for two days and will be going home early again today. I think I would rather be read to all day long by the "Bueller Bueller" teacher.
Prior to getting this scathing disease I actually had a nice weekend. I had mentioned in a prior blog that Emily decided to compete one more time in another system for a teen title. For five years Emily had competed in the USA system and we had all pushed her to try America or International. Well she finally decided to try international and guess what..........
Yep she is your new Miss Teen Texas International! She will go on to represent TX in August at the Miss Teen International competition in West Virginia. Emily was thrilled and she had such an amazing time. Their interviewing system is different and Emily had to sit with 5 judges for 5 minutes a piece to explain herself and her platform Emily's Smile Boxes. She said she was rather shocked when she walked into the room and the first judge she sat down with was Nia Sanchez. She was Miss USA 2014 and first runner up with Miss Universe and someone Emily greatly admires. Here is Em and Nia.
The judging panel was high profile and full of very experienced pageant judges so Emily is beyond humbled with the results. If you want to follow her reign and platform please go like this page: https://www.facebook.com/TeenTexasInternational/ While away this weekend I decided to treat myself to getting my nails done and a pedicure. I haven't really fixed my hair and gotten overly ready since Jude passed. You know what I learned? I love to be pampered but I HATE nails! I cannot text or type with these talons and they're not even that long. My blog looks like a school graders paper marked in red ink with mistypes. Regardless it was worth it and fun. Then Valentines day hit. While people were posting lovey pictures or anti lovey pictures I was missing Jude. I was sick in my bed wanting to make a Valentines card box for him or buy him a stuffed animal that he could cuddle. So my best advice is to enjoy each and every Valentines box you make for your kids and cherish each little card they receive because I really miss my littlest Valentine.
In two months it will be one year since we lost Jude and when I say it feels like last month, I mean it feels like last month. My grief is still very new and it hovers over my family like a shroud of silent pain. I notice the likes on social media have decreased for Jude's pictures and the emails and calls have decreased as well. Some family and friends I don't even see anymore. It's the natural part of life where things move on but the grief stricken are still waiting in the shadows. It's no ones fault it's just how life is, as they reference in Steel Magnolia's life moves on just as it should. I don't want to be here for the one year anniversary and very well may find a way to get out of town. I have already scheduled the 10th off of work for a day of rest which I think will be needed. I guess a lot has transpired since Jude's death. We moved, gained lots of animals, Jude's book was published, and Mike got a new job. We do still love our little house in the woods and it brings us a lot of peace. I had to fill my tax forms out this past week and it's asks you if your child has died within the past twelve months. That one was not easy to fill out and even after you mark yes there are continued questions that follow. So if you haven't lost a close family member the closing of their lives doesn't end with the funeral. I find myself still looking at Facebook and wondering about all the unrest in the world and I sometimes wonder how people are not happy with the blessings they have. I wonder why many people rush to judgment and why people make huge deals out of a normal everyday situations. Speaking of, Lady GaGa is not the devil incarnate nor the Anti-Christ. I know some people really want her to be but it was just a performance...........I am currently singing "Let It Go!" You are very welcome for allowing me to plant that musical nugget in your noggin. I had to throw some humor into a blog that's a bit sad. Even though we are not whole our family is still a peaceful little unit. We all miss Jude, including Emily. I saw on her snapchat that she had stopped by and visited Jude at the cemetery the other day while she was out on her own. I am sure they have some good talks together just like they used to.
I always look at my memory feed on Facebook everyday. It's full of memories with Jude over the last 7 plus years. Today I saw a picture and I could tell just by looking at it that he was either starting pneumonia or just recovering. He was very pale and that was always a tale tale sign that he was very sick. He always mustered that smile that spread from eye to eye and it was so extremely infectious to everyone around.
After I saw the picture I began thinking about all the firsts you have in life. Your first birthday, first Halloween, first Christmas, first day of school, Kindergarten graduation, prom, high school graduation, your first day of college, your wedding, your first baby, and then watching them grow. However no where in the list of firsts did I ever count on burying my child. There shouldn't be a first funeral for a child or any continuation of funerals for children. I have noticed that I start getting rather down around the first of each month. The mind is a complicated subject because it seems my subconscious realized the 9th of each month was coming long before my physical self caught up. Now I get it. Keep on marching on, that's what I do. To lighten the mood some here is an adorable picture of Buddy having his first bath last night. I did submit my children's story about Buddy the pig and Ollie the cat, so we will see if anything ever comes from it. My friends and family thought the story was adorable but you never know in a writers market. The competition is fierce but regardless we love our little "farm" and the joy the animals bring to us. I am anxious for warm weather so we can work outside and continue to improve our adorable little homestead.
Yesterday I posted a blog that was very dear to my heart about not living in fear of the world. After I posted this blog I got the following text from my daughter Emily, as you know she is a senior in high school. Emily: Mom, we are in internal lockdown and I am not sure what's happening. Me: Are you in a safe place? no answer Me: Em? Then I realized I should stop texting until I heard from her just in case she needed to be quiet. I was calm and rational and simply waited on a reply. When I didn't get one I took to Facebook to see if any other parents knew what was going on. I finally got a reply that there was a bomb threat. Then I got a text reply from Emily. Emily: Yes, I am in a safe place. Me: Okay must just be someone in the area because Medlin is on lockdown too Emily: Oh Okay (time passes) Emily: Mom there are police at our school Me: Emily it's a bomb threat Emily: At the school??? Me: Yes. Just stay put and if you need me to come up I will. I am sure this is just a joke. They will sweep the building and they will leave. It will be fine. Emily: Okay Then the texts continued when Emily heard it may be a gunman. She was scared and I assured her she was in the best hiding place. Emily ever the comedian texted me, "Mom, I could really use the OA right now," We have discussed the possible steps to take if she was in an active shooter situation and she took every step. She was locked in the costume closet in the Theater at the school. She spent 4 hours in that dark room with her friends texting me and waiting on information. Here was a picture she took of a friend.
She said the school did a great job of making her feel safe with their announcements and updates. My husband and I both left work and went to the school to wait on her release. While we were on the corner with hundreds of other parents the scene was quite surreal. No one was panicked, no one was crying, no one was yelling, in fact everyone was quiet. We talked in hushed tones among ourselves and my husband turned on his police scanner. Every major city in our area had SWAT, police, fire engines, and ambulance on scene. Then more SWAT showed up with lights flashing as seen below.
At that point we began to get a little antsy but we still stayed on our little corner anxiously waiting to hear information. Mike continued to listen to the scanner and at times the scanner didn't match the information we were being given. However the school and law enforcement did an amazing job yesterday. We are eternally grateful for their services and prompt response. The hours stretched on and we kept hearing they were attempting an evacuation. First it was to the football field, then to Wal Mart, then to the middle school. We noticed dozens upon dozens of school buses begin line the dusk filled street.
More time went by. The FBI pulled in, more police, and then a law enforcement official with a K9 came towards our group. She explained the school would be evacuated floor by floor. Just then Emily texted they were being told to power off all phones and they would be leaving. For informational purposes and because were were not sure what happened I told Emily there could be a reason they were having them turn off their phones. I explained that they may see a scene that could be concerning when they are escorted out or it may just be to move them quickly. I wanted her to be prepared at all costs and she said she was. Emily is always calm and collected and was ever filled with grace as usual. The parents waited in two lines parallel to each other in front of the football fields on the way to the buses. The officers kept telling us to grab our children once we saw them, otherwise the students would proceed to the buses. Slowly the kids and teachers started streaming out in a single file line across the field and on to the paved path. Mike and I scanned the crowds for Emily looking at each young girl one by one. Since Emily left after me in the morning I wasn't sure if she wore her hair up or down. I quickly looked through all the pony tails, buns, and long straight hair. That's when I noticed a single tear was rolling down my cheek. I knew Emily was fine but I thought about the parents who had lost children in school tragedies. How they must have desperately searched each child's face with hope and dread. We were very lucky and thankful. Emily is safe at home and we are counting our blessings. After losing a child recently something like this can seem like a giant mountain eclipsing you in stress. Emily is shaken but she will recover and be just fine. There are two stories as to what happened and various news sources are reporting different things. I won't go into details here but I will state one included just a phone call and one an actual suspect in custody. We will wait to hear the full report before believing any rumors of false information. My husband did an interview for the new in the midst of the event and I am very proud of him. If you would like to see the piece here it is. http://www.nbcdfw.com/news/local/Lockdown-at-Trophy-Club-Schools-After-Alleged-Bomb-Threat-412200653.html Mike said he felt like life saw my post yesterday and something evil manifested itself to try to bring fear back into our lives. Not today Satan, not today!
I have a lot to say in this blog but my mind is rather cluttered with information right now and the proper words have yet to make it to paper. I am hoping as I am writing the menagerie in my head begins to make sense and I can properly share my thoughts with you. I took Emily to visit the University of Arkansas this weekend. Actually, I guess I should say Emily took me because she drove the entire way there and back. We all know I don't like to drive but I also understood that if Emily does in fact choose this campus she will be the one making the drive. I wanted to make sure she was familiar with the highways, terrain, and mountains. The school itself was beautiful and I was very impressed with the inclusion within the campus. The students seemed friendly and the housing looked comfortable. Emily will be waiting to hear from schools regarding possible scholarships and will make a final decision in March.
Social Media is rather overwhelming lately with politics and the world in general. I have thought about taking a break from Facebook and all other social media outlets. However I have always been the type of person that says if you don't like something just keep scrolling. Now who else is singing in a Dory voice," Just keep scrolling?" This is the first time I have felt a bit overwhelmed by the negativity and actually debated on a social media vacay. Then I got myself in check; let me explain, social media is controlled by us and we are not defined by it. I see many many people copying and pasting improper uneducated information. It is not my job to correct those individuals nor is it my right to tell them to take improper information down. So I decided to just continue posting my positive information regarding my family's life thus spreading happiness. Social media was a God send when Jude was so ill because it was my contact to a world we mostly watched from an outsiders view point. So it's not something I am willing to give up nor should I be expected to. The world is what we make it and if we don't like what we see it's up to us to make it a better place. As Andy said in The Shawshank Redemption, "I guess it comes down to one simple choice. Get busy living or get busy dying." We can choose to complain about the world and pass on complaints, negativity, and fear or we can do something about it. It may be as simple as picking yourself up, brushing yourself off, and saying it's going to be a good day today. You may also accomplish this goal by doing all you can to help others, it may be enrolling in politics, or it may just be passing a smile to a stranger. It's up to you but it's up to all us to make a difference. Like I always say and what's engraved on Jude's bench, "Everyone has a story it's what you do with yours that counts." Make it count! I have seen a lot of people upset over the state of the world and the state of their lives. I struggle with this although I understand that each individual person deals with emotional distress in their own personal way. This is their right and I do not mean to infringe upon that in anyway. However I cannot help but look at others lives and feel a bit of envy. I think about how amazing it must be to worry about the state of the world when I stand upon the grave of a child worrying about the state of his casket. Sometimes I wish a magical Michigan Mutual fairy paid off my mortgage so I could have grieved in peace, but that's not realistic. I went back to work with a part of me missing but no therapy to teach myself how to function with my amputated portion. So the fact people get so upset over the world when their life right in front of them is so incredibly meaningful is hard to understand. It doesn't make it wrong, it just means that right now it's hard for me to grasp. We should all be grateful for every minute we have on this Earth to appreciate and love those important in our lives. We should be grateful for all we can do to better others lives. We humans are powerful creatures and can reach far beyond our own backyards to help others. Yesterday Mike shared a post on Facebook from his memory feed and the verbiage read,
I avoided Jennifer's repost of this the other day because it is so horribly painful to remember our feelings that day. I was preparing myself for the worst that day and really since then I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. This past year I have learned you cannot live your life in fear because that really isn't living is it. As difficult as this year has been I'm completely grateful for everyday.
He was referencing this blog post ; http://cjengo.blogspot.com/2015/02/only-love-judehardest-blog-i-have-ever.html I read over his words and I realized I have really been living in fear. I fear driving, I fear flying, I fear Emily dying, I fear Mike dying, and I fear so much more. I am not actually living. In the past week I have made an effort to cut out unhealthy habits and it's starting to work. It will be a slow process but it's a necessary one. I miss Jude more than I could ever imagine I would. I put on a mask everyday and I may have to continue doing that with work but I am finding a way back to a happier place. Another amazing quote from Shawkshank Redemption has always stuck with me regarding Jude. "I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone."
Multiple times I have seen this picture shared on my loss forum with the amazing story within it's borders. I think I shared it some time ago. For the most part the poems, songs, and sayings have become overwhelming so I have glanced over this one for awhile. However today I looked back over it and decided it sums up how I feel very accurately.
Piggy Smalls Aka "Buddy" is doing very well. He is getting bigger so yesterday I took him out of his cage and placed him in our bathroom while we worked. I left him with lots of toys, his rooting box, water, and his bed. Emily let him out once she was home from school. When I get home Mr. Buddy had became quiet brave and now ventured out of the living room into the bathroom, bedroom, closet, and kitchen. The dogs do not like this very much and I think they feel a bit left out. Buddy is just far to small to be around the dogs without supervision just yet. Liebe actually seems very interested and tolerant of Buddy. Mike will take Liebe by her leash and will guide her over to the pig, she never once tries to bite. Blue on the other hand is just a bad little doggy who still needs lots of correction to his behavior. However we are talking about a dog whose prior owners just left him outside and never socialized him. Hence the reason he crawls on my expensive dining room table. Good thing is it's suppose to look rustic so I just tell myself the additional claw make the piece look even more desirable. I tend to use a lot of Old English. This is buddy last night checking out my bathroom.
I am missing Jude today. Mike's car is out of commission and I haven't been by the cemetery in awhile and I am anxious to go out there. I am taking Emily to the University of Arkansas this weekend to check out the college. I am having her drive so prayers for our safety.
I mentioned at the beginning of the year that I got a treadmill. I love to walk and it's personal time to myself that I can watch Netflix and reflect on life. However I have hurt my leg.......I have no idea how but it's very annoying. On the days it feels better I walk about 1 mile and watch my shows. It's a bit like setting a reset switch and I think exercise helps emotionally. I am hoping today I can get out there for a bit and immerse myself into the show "The OA" which I am so into! However the topic came up in my loss forum about how parents who have lost children have little desire to look good anymore. It's true. Now I want to try to explain this in the best manner I can but I am not sure it will make sense. It's not that I am depressed but I am still grieving. It's just that things like nails, pretty hair, a bikini body, and a nice tan just aren't that important to me anymore. I don't judge anyone that has these priorities they just are not mine personally. So people can look at my slicked back pony tail, little makeup, and plain clothes and wonder how I am. I am fine. I assure you that although my heart is broken and always will be I am fine. I just would rather put on a pair of sweats, slick my hair back, and play in my yard. I would rather wear comfy socks and tennis shoes then high heels and fancy jewelry. It's just me and being at peace and being with my family is far more important to me than looks and things. Emily still loves getting pretty and I love helping her do that. We are all just different and that's what make the world an interesting place. I guess it's coming to terms that I love myself, my husband loves me, and it's just about being okay. So I did write a children's story based on our adventures at our little "farm." I handed it to Mike to read and he made a few skeptical wise cracks but then read it. He then said, "um this is really good." So we will see but I do think it's pretty cute and it has some great life lessons in it.
I text my cousin this weekend, "When you do something so shocking as allowing your child to buy a pig you find out who has got a positive attitude or who has a negative one REAL quick. You also find out about little conversations when you're not present" She replied, "I think it's awesome!! Life is short so get a pig!!" Love her! This past week Mike was making sales calls to local retailers and was visiting a feed store. While at the store he looked around sent us this picture.
Never in a million years would I have ever thought we would have brought this baby pig home. However Emily talked Mike into taking her to actually see the pig in person. On the way there he told her if she could get 350 likes on Facebook by the time they reached the store he would let her buy it with her Winstar winnings. We all laughed thinking it was a joke. Emily to date now has 975 votes, no I am not kidding and we have a pig.
We have a menagerie of animals actually. Three dogs, three cats, 10 chickens, fish, and now a micro pig. I think Emily is actually hoping she gets asked if she has any animals at her next pageant. She is dying to tell them about her zoo. So on the way back home we had the following conversation.
Mike: I am proud of you Me: For what? Mike: For allowing us to get the pig and not get upset Me: Life's short Mike: and I think you have really learned that. Life is fast and how many more times do you think you will see her this happy before she leaves. Plus I love animals. So if you know me you're shocked we got a pig. I know my best friend is still reeling from it and she came to play with Piggy Smalls AKA Buddy (Emily named him from Elf) last night. I am generally always the rational one, holder of the money, maker of sound decisions, cooker of the food, and all things Oz like. Mike laughed and said, "You think people are looking in at us going my word their grief is out of control." No we just took a chance. I grew up on the weekends at my stepmother's parents house. I helped feed the pigs, tend to the pigs, go feed the cows, harvest the garden, and yes even take the animals to slaughter. Although no one will be touching little Piggy or my chickens! I know quiet a bit about these animals. I know a few can actually stay around 30 lbs but most get much larger. I know they are also very intelligent as indicated by the little pig litter box and crate training itself in...........ONE DAY! We have a great house with dog doors to go potty when he gets bigger and we have a lot of land for all our animals. I loved the premise of the movie, "We Bought A Zoo" if you haven't seen it I encourage you to watch it. So last night Mike and Emily were joking about the adventures of Ollie and Buddy, the cat and the pig. I laughed and said, "Wouldn't it be funny if my friend was correct and I continued to write. Maybe a children's story on Ollie and Buddy or Felicia the chicken ." We all had a good laugh. Laughing is good...........laughing is something we are discovering again. However the laughter abruptly went away when the Cowboys lost in the last 20 seconds of the game and my husband had to soak in a hot bath for an hour. His heart was pulled out and stomped on I think. Well Buddy helped make him smile before bed so that'll do pig, that'll do.
One of the things that Mike and I keep discussing is trying to find our purpose in life again. When you have a medically fragile child your life completely revolves around their care. Even though I did make time for Emily's needs and projects we all still had to structure our days around Jude's needs. We are just now getting to the point where it's not strange to arrive home after 5pm since we don't relieve a nurse. We are just now not looking at a clock at 8:30pm to administer important medications. There are a lot more "just now" situations but I will stop and just say that it's a very odd feeling to not have a structured routine. When your life is strictly scheduled for so long and the person that you structured it around is gone you feel a bit lost. You catch yourself in deep thought wondering what your life's purpose is now. On our way home yesterday Mike was again reflecting on this and I pointed out to him that he is still a very important part of Emily's life. He then pointed out that Emily has been educated and raised by us in a way that has made her a wonderful human being. He felt like there wasn't a lot more education to provide because it really rests on her shoulders now. I can understand how he feels and how a grieving parent feels a bit suspended in disbelief and searching for answers. I know the answers are out there and as time drops through the hourglass the answers will begin to emerge. Another thing we find challenging is all the firsts including holidays, birthdays, and of course Jude's upcoming Angelversiary. Birthdays seem to have lost their luster and seem a bit futile now. Although I am still a dedicated blessed mother the thought of Mother's Day seems sad to me too. Gina invited me to a marathon on mother's day weekend but I nicely declined. I still just don't want to commit to anything right now. Her response was epic! She said, "I am sorry. I am not going to stop inviting you to do things though. My feelings never get hurt when you cannot make it. One day you will want to start doing things that are hard and when you do I will be there." GREAT response from someone who gets it, she even gets my crazy driving anxiety. Gina was at our house to see Jude at least once a week for years upon years. Sometimes she would come over just to sit with me while I watched TV and held Jude. She knew my routine and she knew I couldn't leave often. Yet she still took the time to come see him and come see me even if it was so very boring. She was over so often she knew how to position Jude, suction him, give him his meds, and what calmed him down. Because I was grieving so hard right after he passed I could do very little to help with anyone else's loss of Jude. The other night Gina said she went to see the movie Collateral Beauty by herself (if you don't know about the movie you might look up the premise). She text me to tell me she cried the entire way home and I got it. She was missing Jude and was touched by the story. Nurse Allan still texts Mike and I both, "Good Morning Glory" every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He would always say that to us with his bright beaming smile every weekend. He says he cries often and misses Jude and our family. We miss him, Charlotte, and Candice, his great nursing team. I found this quote which is fitting "The death of a child is like a stone cast into the stillness of a quiet pool; the concentric ripples of despair sweep out in all directions, affecting many, many people." John DeFrain Jude affected many many people.
I got a notification from Amazon today that there are only 12 copies of Jude's book left in stock. It is officially released 2/1/2017 but several people have told me there delivery date is 1/11/2017 and I noticed the ability to review the book is now open on Amazon. So it seems they have already received all their copies and they are on their way. In addition it looks like they will be ordering more copies to be available in the future. It's surreal to see his story is going to be available to so many people. I have been at a few places with pre-release copies of the book. The interest is mixed with people when I meet them in person. They will stop and read the premise of the book and either become highly interested or back away frightened/sad. One lady told me, "that's just to sad there is no way I could reach that story." I replied "I know I lived it. It IS sad and I totally understand." I respected her opinion. Meeting that lady made me think of how many people tell special needs parents, "I just couldn't do what you're doing." Sure you could! Tragic circumstances happen all the time. As humans we are fragile and in mere seconds out lives can change. Mothers and fathers are joining my loss forum all the time who merely put their child/teen to bed and that child never woke up. Random chaos happens all the time and it makes up this battle we call life. The majority of us all love our children and will do whatever it takes to make sure they have an amazing life. I have said before we aren't super hero's we are merely parents who love our children who are doing the best we can. That applies even now that Jude is gone. I am doing the best I can. I am grieving "okay" today and although I still deal with anxiety I am here and I am functioning. We have to go pick up the Christmas decorations from the cemetery and I would like to replace them with a Superman wreath. My friend Gina and I were talking about making one. We will start on that soon and pay Jude a visit. Amazon Link: https://www.amazon.com/Diary-Baby-Stroke-Jennifer-Ortiz/dp/1942557841/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483985184&sr=8-1&keywords=the+diary+of+a+baby+and+a+stroke
At the end of this month we are taking Emily to visit the University of Arkansas, she received an acceptance letter from them. Then in February her dad is taking her to the University of Alabama. Emily is still waiting to hear from a few other schools but Emily was accepted as a freshmen into the college of nursing at the University of Alabama. She will ultimately make the decision and she is going to announce it live on Facebook in March. However being accepted into a nursing school as a freshmen is a huge accomplishment. I am not sure another college can trump that offer but I am holding out hope A&M has something for her. I would like her close to home but I also understand that an opportunity like what she has just received does not come along very often. I think my heart is already grieving a little more because I cannot imagine her vibrant soul not being around everyday. She just recently spent a week with her dad and our house was very quiet and not as lively as it normally is. I am very proud of her but at the same time I know this isn't going to be easy.
As mothers we spend our whole lives raising our children to the best of our ability. I always told myself I wasn't raising a child but raising an adult. I wanted Emily and Jude to be responsible adults who worked hard and that are kind to others. I figure we do a really good job of being a parent if we keep our children safe and get them through childhood safe, healthy, and educated. Unfortunately with Jude I had no choice but to see another side to life too. The side that just kept your child fed, comforted, and loved. Education was therapy for Jude to help him function the best he could versus expanding his knowledge and GPA. His feedings were never about taste or entertainment it was merely survival and his health was always compromised. Although I don't miss the hospitals I do miss sitting with Jude. I would pat on him while we watched Maui Real Estate together and waited on the doctors to trickle in and out of his room. I think it's the quiet moments we had alone that I miss more than anything. Yesterday was a hard day for several people. I noticed Jude's nurse posted on social media that she was really missing Jude yesterday. My aunt texted that night and basically said the same thing. I told her in one of my groups I saw the best reply to the question, "How are you doing?" The gentlemen said he replied, "I am grieving okay today." I told my aunt that it's a good response from everyone that was surrounded by Jude's light and love. So both my children will be physically gone from my house soon. It's something I am struggling with but how proud am I that my child wants to be a nurse? Emily has decided to compete one more time for a teen title, but with a different system, so we are planning that together. I think it will be one nice last event for us before her official adulthood starts. I hear my grandmother in my voice when I tell Emily to cherish every second because it goes so fast.
After Jude passed away I posted a blog about an old story I used to read called, "Stone Soup." http://cjengo.blogspot.com/2016/04/stone-soup.html It was basically explaining that I was empty right after his loss and could only fill my pot with water. I also really didn't want to have anyone add anything to the water to make it soup. Slowly over time I have opened up more to allow others to contribute to my family's healing and start making soup filled with love and memories. Yesterday I heard someone reference Tear Soup and after researching I found that this was actually a book. I have not read it yet but I thought how interesting the concept of tear soup is. Not everyone likes tear soup and therefore you cannot expect everyone to contribute, taste it, or even want to smell it. However some people are always there to help you care for your soup and help your soup find it's purpose. There is nothing wrong with either of those choices. Some people can handle traumatic situations and some people prefer not to. Over the course of the last nine months, can't believe it's been 9 months, I have found that I have to grieve in my own way. I cannot expect others that have not lost a child to understand what I need or react in the manner I expect them to. Therefore I must explain if I need something, if I need a break, or what makes me feel comforted. I have terrible anxiety especially regarding driving. Any trip that takes me outside of my comfort zone on large busy highways will leave me racked with anxiety and the grief so much worse. I have no idea why this has happened but my understanding is over exaggerated reactions to traumatic situations is very normal. The positive portion is I have good friends that are helping me with my tear soup that understand this situation and go above and beyond to help. One of the complaints I hear over and over in my loss forum is how the individuals grieving feel like others are hurting them more with their words or actions. I am far enough into this journey that as I stated above I have learned the healing starts with me. I must express what I need or don't need to make a positive proper impact on my life and my family's life. I am thankful that the I was blessed with this knowledge because it's brought me comfort and understanding.
After I wrote my blog yesterday I wandered over to "The Sophrs Are Multiplying" and read Heather's entry for the day. Heather Sophr is a brilliant writer and someone I feel I know even though we have never personally met. I began following her story back in 2008 when I found out I was pregnant with Jude. About a year after I followed her story she lost her daughter Maddie, ironically also in April. I watched her grieve through her blog much like I have done. In fact I remember reading a post she put up about reading obituaries after her daughter passed and I have done the same with Jude. I would read Jude's tribute and look at the others that passed as well. I found a poor little boy drowned on the same day Jude passed and his services were held at the same facilities the day after Jude's funeral. That must have been a horrible weekend for the funeral home and the church. I have no idea why I would want to even read that information but I was drawn to it. Maybe it was my own way of wondering why little ones suffer and trying to find some answers in the universe. Without knowing it Heather's posts from all these years have helped me since I lost Jude. She taught me that being expressive and open about my feelings can help heal some of the broken lines within my soul. Yesterday Heather helped me again. As I read her entry I began to shed a few tears, http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/living-with-loss/its-okay-to-live/#axzz4UFrkdbph. She touched on a subject that Mike and I have both discussed. Neither of us would prefer to be on this Earth without Jude but we made a decision to live for him. We also live for Emily but we feel like Jude would want us to continue our lives in the best way possible. I am sure we will eventually live for ourselves again too. I will admit I have been wallowing in grief and in a very dark spot but I believe that is perfectly normal the first year or two after losing a child. Actually I don't think you ever heal from losing a child but you can find happiness and meaning again. So last night I began wading through my cedar storage chest looking at memorabilia of Jude's only to stumble upon so much more. I am a pack rat and I save anything that seems special or from the heart. I began opening cards, drawings, and more items that people have sent over the course of Jude's life. I began crying realizing how much everyone truly did love Jude and how much he impacted their personal lives. I had hand written notes from my grandmother, drawings from Emily, and even a large birthday banner Gina made for Jude with a personal message written on the back. It was humbling and truly touched my heart. Last night I got on my new treadmill and walked two miles while watching, "The Crown." My diet starts on Monday which consists of zero wine or sweets and I am already a little sad! However I figure I am searching for away to find happiness again. Heather mentions finding purpose in her blog and that's also something I have been searching for. In the midst of grief running a mundane life of getting up, going to work, coming home, and doing it all over again can be taxing. I am eternally grateful for a good job but I feel there is something else out there. I am not sure if that's adopting children, continuing to write, or what my purpose is but it's out there somewhere. My goal is to find it. So thank you Heather for blessing my life from afar.
I know people are wondering how our Christmas was and I have taken a few days to find the proper words for the blog. On Christmas Eve we had multiple people over to our house to celebrate the holiday and complete a lighted balloon release for Jude. Emily captured the blinking lights in a photo she took.
As we set the balloons free everyone was in awe at how high they flew and how the lights were easily seen. We knew others would see them and we hoped they would make them smile. I know Jude was smiling. Christmas day was more somber. It wasn't just Jude's loss but the fact that he always had a loss of sorts because he could never truly enjoy stockings or Santa. He deserved to have a good Christmas with family gathered around, movies, gifts, and more. However I soon realized Jude could enjoy love and that is the true meaning of the holiday. So even though we missed him dearly we remembered the good times and after shedding a few tears we all smiled. Our little family went to see Star Wars Rogue One that day because we are huge fans and we truly enjoyed ourselves. We went to the Movie House and enjoyed lounging in the seats and eating wonderful food. We also left a very nice tip for our adorable waitress who truly seemed to enjoy working the holiday and had a beautiful festive smile. The rest of the day was spent fairly quiet and reflective. With the mention of Star Wars I reflect on the loss of Carrie Fisher. The thoughts are split in my loss forum between being incredibly sad for her family and being angry a celebrity receives so much attention, when the loss of our children is so great. I am one of those that is sad and feels for her family. I posted on Facebook that I am a 70's child. In 1977 my dad took me to a drive in theater to watch my very first movie and I was introduced to Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker. I loved the entire move and when The Empire Strikes Back came out I watched it 14 times in the theater. This was back when your parents could drop you off at the movies and know you would be safe. I wanted to be Princess Leia and even though there is a plethora of princesses offered by Disney now the only Princess I ever dressed up as was her. My two icons were Leia and Wonder Woman. So even though it's not even close to losing a child I still felt a loss of my childhood and therefore I felt very sad. Then yesterday we hear Debbie Reynolds her mother also passed. A legendary actress herself that accomplished so much in life. I think the loss affected her heart and with her age that led to the stroke. I feel for her family and the tremendous loss they must be feeling. I can understand why her heart hurt so much that her life just ended because the pain sometimes feels unbearable. As evident by Mike's heart issue, grief can try to kill a person. So Debbie sing a little Charlotte's Web to my son if you don't mind. He loved that movie and we watched it so many times together. Thank you both for so many amazing childhood memories it is much appreciated. Traveling Mercies.
I dreamt of Jude last night which is very rare. I like dreaming of him but this one had a bit of a sad ending to it. I was in this large place with a lot of people around and two little boys asking me about skating. Jude's nurse was near us and I saw another person in scrubs pushing Jude in a hospital bed down a hallway. Jude was upset and crying out like he used to and thrashing about. I told the nurse I was afraid he would fall and she assured me the aid pushing the bed was very good and wouldn't let that happen. So I began walking towards the bed and said "Ju Ju Bean!" in a loud happy voice. Jude sat up with the biggest smile and said, "MAMA!" The aid looked surprised and said, "well that's new." Suddenly Jude fell forward and I went running towards him because I was afraid he would hit his head but Jude caught himself with his hands. Jude could not do that when he was alive. I hugged him tightly and he hugged me back. We were both very happy. Then suddenly I remembered Jude was gone and I asked him, "Do they let you play in heaven?" Jude just smiled at me but then he was gone. I was left sitting there holding a sheet crying very loudly for him. I woke up with tears running down my face and missing Jude. The dream was oddly comforting and sad all at the same time. I am not sure what the dream means if anything and I am sure there are parts I am not remembering. I am rather emotional today because of it. Like I have said before you have good days and bad days and this seems to be a so so day. I will post pictures of our balloon release for Jude that we are doing Christmas Eve. I am asking everyone to light a candle for Jude this weekend. Merry Christmas.
I wanted to take a moment to thank several people. We didn't do Christmas cards this year for obvious reasons. I would normally send out cards every year with out family's picture on them but this year I just couldn't. Anyway, I have received some cards at my house and I have noticed that people have gone out of their way to go get cards that do not have pictures. I am grateful for any card, but I still thought it was so thoughtful. They took the time to realize that seeing a bright shiny happy family with younger children could hurt during the holidays. I was amazed at the thoughtfulness. I could see some of their cards on their regular Facebook but our card was hand selected, how kind. I just sat there in tears each time we received one just amazed that people are so thoughtful. Some had even been handmade. This morning I had another adorable picture of Jude on my Facebook memory feed and it made me smile.
Sometimes I wonder if Emily has truly grieved for Jude. Being a teenager I think it's hard to remember just how very close they were but I am sure she deals with her emotions in her own way. Emily was so incredibly excited when I was pregnant with Jude. When he was born she couldn't wait to hold him, feed him, change him, and do all the big sister things that come with being a member of a family. I know a lot of that was stolen from her. In fact when Emily talks about the day Jude was diagnosed it rips your heart out. She will tell you how she came home to a very dark and quiet house and how she realized our lives would never be the same again. We all know that Emily ended up turning a negative situation into a positive but what most don't know is all she did behind the scenes. Jude LOVED Emily, he would literally track her voice around the room until he spotted her and give her the biggest smile. You could sense he just trusted her and knew of all people Emily would never hurt him. She would never stick him with needles or force him to do anything the adults had to. They had an unbreakable bond between them. She would sit and sing to him for hours when they were little or read him books until he fell asleep. She loved giving him bath's and would talk to him in her little baby voice. As Jude grew his care became more complicated and Emily learned all she could to help him. I could literally leave the room to go take a bath and Emily could handle seizures, feeding tubes, oxygen level issues, vomit, and more. As she got older I could leave her at the hospital with him while I worked or ran home to shower. She could tend to him and accurately update nurses on his situation when they did their rounds or signal them in case of an emergency. Recently we were all in the car on our way home from eating and I began thinking about Jude and tried to fight back the tears. Emily asked me what was wrong. I told her it wasn't just losing Jude it was the guilt that her childhood was ripped from her. She said, "Why on Earth would you feel that way? Who else can say that they had someone so amazing as their brother. Someone I would want to be exactly like?". After that Mike and I were both wiping away a few tears. I have no doubt this Christmas is difficult on her too but she doesn't let it show. She insisted we continue marching forward with normal traditions, she is like our Christmas cheerleader. Thank you Emily for being you! As you always say,
I think I have started this blog one hundred times today but I stop each time wondering how my words could accurately convey my feelings. I am not sure they ever will but I am going to go ahead and write for therapy today. So this is more to help me and I appreciate your patience. Before I was an insurance agent I went to college to become a counselor. I didn't finish but had many classes to educate myself on the human mind and emotions. I know most of the clinical terminology and treatments for depression. I also know that despite available pills, oils, and other various items available you just sometimes have to feel. You have to feel the raw pain and the struggle before you can come out into the sunshine again. Despite the list of well wishers and advice givers people sometimes just have to deal with their own bag of troubles. I miss Jude but I also miss the boy Jude should be but the stroke took that from us and him. I should be buying holiday gifts for an eight year old boy and watch his excited face when Santa came to visit him but I am not. I never will and it sucks and it's okay to admit it's hard. Depression feels like big rocks that have been piled on top of a board you are laying under. Most people cannot understand the nasty pit of grief because it's hard to understand and take yourself to that level unless you have actually been there. It's ugly though and sometimes additional rocks are added to that pile making it even heavier than before. It's not wanting to get up in the morning and feeling like your swimming in stagnate water because life seems a bit annoying. I seem to be lashing out at people more lately too. After a few glasses of wine last night I booted one of the animals that was being annoying off the couch and Emily called me mean. I don't blame her..........she is right. I am thankful she has patience with me. Anger, frustration, and a short fuse are all common complaints grieving parents talk about. I see Facebook posts from people complaining about things that seem trivial to me in comparison to losing a child and it just makes me angry. The reality is I know their issues are real issues and they are dealing with life the best way they can and they have a right to be upset. See when going through something like losing Jude individuals know what's right but sometimes your mind just doesn't want to listen. My co-worker again mentioned today she doesn't believe we give people the proper amount of time to grieve in America. We give maternity leave but what about if the mom loses that child she took leave for? Then what? It took 9 months to make that child but grief should only take 5 days? It seems a bit absurd to me but we all have to live and need money to live on. So what's the solution? I keep marching on. That's what you have to do. You take one day, one hour, and one minute at a time. I have decided I will cry when I need to and treat myself and others with kindness. I have started working out too and hopefully that will improve my mood. However 30 minutes of the Country Heat workout last night made me want to punch a baby bunny in the nose. I also try to keep humor as reflected in my prior sentence. I think of special ways to honor Jude and I am always on the look out for signs he is still with us. I say no to many events outside of my house because I am in my comfort zone right now but I still go out. I still hold functions, I still go to work, and I still love my family. I write in my blog, I light candles for Jude, and I share my memories when I can. These things make me better and that's all we as humans can do, just be better. One day, one hour, and one minute.
Dear Facebook - Although I generally love your cute little video's and applications you come up with the year in review makes me want to hurl something. It makes me so happy to see all the photo's of the last year which encompass many of Jude's illness and funeral, not. It makes me even more happy to see how great everyone's life is and how happy everyone is. Actually that part does make me smile but I cannot help feeling jealous of their happiness. If I sound like a scrooge, well whatever. - Love Jenn Emily has sent her college applications off and I know she was so nervous about receiving responses. She sent applications to Arkansas, Alabama, OU, OSU, and Texas A&M. Her number 1 is A&M and I hear they are always the last to respond. I can happily announce her first acceptance letter from Arkansas arrived Tuesday. Then yesterday she was accepted into the University of Alabama and into their nursing program. We will see which others she receives and she will make an announcement some time next year. I cannot believe she will be going away. I know she will only continue to grow and inspire others but my house will be very quiet without her. We have decided to spend Christmas with our little family at home. We will have breakfast and spend time with Emily before she goes with her dad and then we will venture to see Jude. We feel it will be an emotional day and that we will feel drained and prefer not to drain anyone else. However we are having a balloon release for Jude on Christmas Eve at our house where we hope to spend time with family and friends. We appreciate everyone's continued support. Saturday night nurse Allan has invited us over for dinner. I am truly looking forward to seeing him and giving him a big hug!
It's been eight years since Jude was diagnosed. Eight years ago since we learned our adorable bouncing baby boy wasn't going to be the child we thought he would be. Eight years since we learned what an amazing blessing the child was we actually had. Eight years seems like yesterday.
