Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Kisses For Jude

Mike and I had our weekly lunch date today and on the way back to my office we discussed Jude. We have been car pooling each day and I have actually grown fond of our car rides. However this limits my ability to go to the cemetery whenever I want and thus I struggle with some guilt. Although I know that Jude is not in that cemetery I still feel a calling to visit when I can. I told Mike I am beginning to forget how Jude smelled and I don't feel him around as much anymore. I know he had the sweetest little smell and I used to bury my nose deep into his hair to give him big kisses each day. I would breathe in Jude's innocence and he would give me the biggest smile. We sat for hours on that old green couch until we actually left a permanent dent on our little section. 

Sometimes the life we had seems like just yesterday and then at other times it seems so long ago. I looked at the below picture of Mike and Jude and while admiring how adorable they are I also see Jude's feeding tube.

We became proficient at maneuvering around tubes. It only takes once as a special needs parent of ripping out a feeding tube or accidentally setting the feeding pump to fast to learn from it. We could lift and reposition Jude without blinking and never miss a beat. It was a different way of life and a different way of thinking but one we knew very well. Everything was taken into account when making decisions from going out places to staying in the house. Our lives revolved around Jude's care. Mike and I get choked up when we talk to each other about Jude but we do talk and that's a good thing. We are both amazed it's almost been a year and Mike pointed out that it's been a very hard path. In the first days Mike said he wondered how he would make it until the next day, then it became wondering how to get to the next week, then the next month, and now it's almost a year. He said we made it through, we are still together, and we will continue to make it. 

We still miss Jude's nurses but we are able to keep up via social media and in person if we get a chance. We miss seeing Charlotte each morning but she is doing well now. She transitioned into hospice care for adults and seems to be very blessed by the position.  I will never forget that on the day Jude passed nurse Allan stayed at the house while we went to tell Emily. He was wrapping up notes, stayed with the animals, and got everything he could in order.  Allan said he spent hours there because it felt like home and when he finally decided to leave he had to stop and tell the house goodbye. Allan is also doing well and has two new pediatric cases that he is working and he still texts us every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday... "Morning Glory!" 


jennifer Silver-Hudnall said...

It never ceases to make me cry!I don't know why your account of the way Allan handled things touched me so deeply, but your telling of your story there is so vivid.

Jennifer Silver-Hudnall

Raine said...

i too lost my son last August and I am afraid of forgetting his smell and him. It was hard for me to read this but this rings so true. WHile Ian's needs were not so dire, we have learnt to adapt around him. My son Ian taught us life's lessons, as did every other special needs child.