I think I have started this blog one hundred times today but I stop each time wondering how my words could accurately convey my feelings. I am not sure they ever will but I am going to go ahead and write for therapy today. So this is more to help me and I appreciate your patience. Before I was an insurance agent I went to college to become a counselor. I didn't finish but had many classes to educate myself on the human mind and emotions. I know most of the clinical terminology and treatments for depression. I also know that despite available pills, oils, and other various items available you just sometimes have to feel. You have to feel the raw pain and the struggle before you can come out into the sunshine again. Despite the list of well wishers and advice givers people sometimes just have to deal with their own bag of troubles. I miss Jude but I also miss the boy Jude should be but the stroke took that from us and him. I should be buying holiday gifts for an eight year old boy and watch his excited face when Santa came to visit him but I am not. I never will and it sucks and it's okay to admit it's hard.
Depression feels like big rocks that have been piled on top of a board you are laying under. Most people cannot understand the nasty pit of grief because it's hard to understand and take yourself to that level unless you have actually been there. It's ugly though and sometimes additional rocks are added to that pile making it even heavier than before. It's not wanting to get up in the morning and feeling like your swimming in stagnate water because life seems a bit annoying. I seem to be lashing out at people more lately too. After a few glasses of wine last night I booted one of the animals that was being annoying off the couch and Emily called me mean. I don't blame her..........she is right. I am thankful she has patience with me. Anger, frustration, and a short fuse are all common complaints grieving parents talk about. I see Facebook posts from people complaining about things that seem trivial to me in comparison to losing a child and it just makes me angry. The reality is I know their issues are real issues and they are dealing with life the best way they can and they have a right to be upset. See when going through something like losing Jude individuals know what's right but sometimes your mind just doesn't want to listen. My co-worker again mentioned today she doesn't believe we give people the proper amount of time to grieve in America. We give maternity leave but what about if the mom loses that child she took leave for? Then what? It took 9 months to make that child but grief should only take 5 days? It seems a bit absurd to me but we all have to live and need money to live on.
So what's the solution? I keep marching on. That's what you have to do. You take one day, one hour, and one minute at a time. I have decided I will cry when I need to and treat myself and others with kindness. I have started working out too and hopefully that will improve my mood. However 30 minutes of the Country Heat workout last night made me want to punch a baby bunny in the nose. I also try to keep humor as reflected in my prior sentence. I think of special ways to honor Jude and I am always on the look out for signs he is still with us. I say no to many events outside of my house because I am in my comfort zone right now but I still go out. I still hold functions, I still go to work, and I still love my family. I write in my blog, I light candles for Jude, and I share my memories when I can. These things make me better and that's all we as humans can do, just be better.
One day, one hour, and one minute.