Sunday, August 16, 2015

Total meltdown

If there is a mom that's in my situation that reads my blog that has gotten upset I want you to know a meltdown is okay. After 7 years mine happened tonight. I am pretty sure I've had some mini meltdowns but girl/man this was a full on grab Wendy Williams microphone drama filled tear stained wicked witch of the west meltdown. Let me explain the situation and then you can appreciate, judge, or learn from the night I had.

Jude had a great smile filled day but about 4pm he started giving nurse Allen issues. By 5pm when Allen was leaving and turning the 5 hour nursing reign over to me Jude was in a full blow anxiety session. I gave him morphine which helped. Jude started sleeping and I thought everything was fine. Suddenly Jude gasped and his alarms sounded. I shrugged it off thinking it was his normal issues and got up to suction his mouth when I realized his heart rate was plummeting and his oxygen was 89 then 86 then 83.... Omg! I know Jude is on hospice but the situation sent me into a panic and I screamed for mike. I sat Jude up and began CPT and got his stats back normal. Just then Emily who had been gone all weekend text to ask to stay with her cousin but I begged her to come home. Emily begged and begged to stay with her cousin and I was torn but then my phone rang and my co-worker and fortress was in the hospital. That was it. I walked into the bedroom and mumbled gibberish to mike about what happened, grabbed my keys, and said I'm leaving for awhile. He just told me to be careful and didn't argue. I drove to a comfortable spot then turned on some comforting music and text my best friend. I think she knew it was serious and had kind encouraging words for me. I then sat and had the best cry I have had in a long time. I needed it so bad!! I finally got back home and walked in and mike didn't say a word. I just grabbed my stuff to go have a bath. Jude was still having issues but I was able to kiss him and tell him I loved him.

Tonight Jude's lack of health, the messy house, the mounting bills, losing the new home, Emily's health, my job, and more became absolutely overwhelming. The person who always keeps it together just couldn't hold it together a minute longer. So I sat in the dark in my car and the song "The Climb" came on. I don't really relate to Miley Cyrus but that girl helped me tonight. So I put myself in check!!! I realized I have a beautiful home, a loving husband, a healthy teen, and a beautiful boy. I pulled up my big girl panties, wiped  my eyes, and headed home. Thanks for the meltdown I needed it!


MEME said...

sometimes we need a meltdown and it does help! you carry a very big load and even if you wouldn't change it it is still a heavy load.Just keep loving your family and hold on at some point it will work are an amazing parent as well as your husband, jude has been blessed to have you.

Anonymous said...

You earned it!