A rough night and all my minutes

Tonight was rough and it's one of those nights that I'm finding it hard to write in my blog so I am forcing myself. Not only is it therapeutic but I know it helps others. I was really looking forward to seeing Jude when I got home from work. As usual the day ended with a plethora of chores including making dinner, a milk run to the store, and walking the dog. Every time I passed Jude I promised him I would hold him tonight while we watched a movie together. He would shoot me a little grin and mouth "hi" but I noticed he still looked pale and tired. Suddenly Jude had one of his coughing fits to the point we were using the suction to pull out bloody mucus and his heart rate plummeted again. We assessed the blood and mike and I both noted it was bright red with a few clots so it shouldn't be internal bleeding. However Jude took a huge nose dive after that incident. He spiked a high fever, his extremities turned cold, and he was gasping for air. After rescue measures I took Jude out of his bed and held him on the couch until he fell asleep. Suddenly Jude began to get stressed again and woke up. The night nurse came through the front door and walked straight into a madhouse. She stepped in and whisked Jude out of my arms trying to rescue the situation. I wasn't sure if I should be grateful or upset but I opted for grateful. When the situation didn't get better I called hospice.

When hospice got there Jude had zero breath sounds in his lungs, had a temp of 103.1, and was gasping. After abuterol, Motrin, morphine, and more Jude calmed down and began breathing easier. I just sat and cried and felt so bad. I tried a glass of wine for my nerves but I was still a quiet crying mess. Both nurses hugged me and I looked at the nicest hospice nurse ever and said "I just want to unplug him from everything. I want to take him to the couch and just hold him and let him sleep but I don't want him to be in pain". She assured me that's an okay feeling and pointed out what was helping him. She said the oxygen helps him breathe and not stress, and the medicines relieve pain, but the monitor is just providing me information. So after Jude had all his treatments and he began to recover the hospice nurse said " I think your mommy wants you". So I scooped Jude up and took him to the couch and quietly Jude smiled at me and then fell asleep. Our sweet weekend nurse then told me she knew Jude has been very sick and she didn't want to alarm me but almost thought they would call her during the week to tell her well Jude had stopped fighting. Then she took Jude from me again and laid him down in his bed as she played "Hosanna" from her phone. She told me to go rest and if Jude wanted her to she would sit in my spot and hold him. Hospice instructed that they not refrain from Motrin, Tylenol, morphine and his other pain relievers. Jude was so uncomfortable and I hated that tonight. Hospice wants him to stay pain free. 

Mike didn't stay in the living room for all of this. At first I felt like the line from
Steel Magnolias that "men are suppose to be made of steel" but I finally got it. Mike knows Jude and he knows he isn't ready to leave us yet as sick and his little body is. I wondered and panicked tonight how I would KNOW because I want all my Jude time ..... I want ALL my damn minutes!!! Mike knows... Mike  gets it. It will just be.....just let it be.