I am writing my blog today without some names to protect those involved with this situation. I felt like I needed to write about it because the whole situation to relieve some stress.
I have been blessed in my life with two amazing children. My first born was with my first husband Joe. He is a kind and decent man but we just didn't click as husband and wife anymore. It was more like brother and sister and I just wasn't happy. It was me that broke off the marriage and I still remember the guilt I felt over hurting my ex. He had a hard time at first, but never once did he ever question my mothering skills. In fact, in counseling he said bluntly that the best place for Emily was with me and that he would never dispute that. The divorce was hard, but it went very smoothly because we were both looking out for our child's best interest. We negotiated on child support, how it would be paid, health insurance, and everything else that is involved with the dissolution of a marriage. We agreed to never say anything negative about each other or the situation in front of Emily........and we held to that deal. We never plotted or schemed to use her in anyway. We never coached her on things to say or ever put her in the middle. It took awhile but now my ex and I are very comfortable around each other. He provides above and beyond what we ask for Emily. In fact, he just gave her the money to obtain her new pageant dress which is amazing. He is a good dad and I KNOW I am very lucky and so is Emily. Not only does she have an amazing dad she also has a great step dad. The kid is set.
So currently I am watching a very good friend of mine go through a very nasty divorce. She was stuck in a loveless marriage that she endured with a smile for a very long time. When she finally got brave enough to ask for a divorce she was under the assumption her husband would comply in the best interest of her children. However that hasn't been the case. One of the problems with this divorce has been that my friend is probably one of the nicest people you would ever meet. I joked with her once that she probably woke up singing Disney songs. I was not at all shocked when we stayed the night at a hotel and the next morning I heard her in the bathroom singing the Sound of Music. I promptly informed her it was way to early in the morning for that merry crap so she nixed the songs until about noon. FYI ~ Don't ever try to watch a musical with her she will sing every verse. Anyway, due to her profound gift of being so sweet and innocent she has wanted to believe that her ex husband still has a heart. She has gotten some very horrible wake up calls and it's been hard watching her golden heart start to turn black due to the cruelty inflicted upon her. She has learned that there are some very dark sides of life. She has slowly started to learn that she cannot just lay down and let someone walk all over her, but it's been some rough roads getting to that point.
I wouldn't use the term "like" for her ex husband, but I would associate with him. I didn't like the way he treated her during their marriage, but I kept my nose in my own business. She would rarely get away without him calling demanding a time when she would be home because he was tired of watching the kids. Those phone calls would also annoy the crap out of me when my friend and I were hanging out. I don't remember him EVER taking off work to take the kids to a doctors appointment, I never once watched him change a diaper, I never once saw him cook, I never once saw him clean, I never once say him be involved with the kids when they were married. I think I may have seen him hang a piñata once as my friends insistence. I did see him constantly playing video games and ignoring all aspects of life going on around him. I also witnessed him "tink" his beer bottle on a table when he wanted another one...........problem is my friend brought it to him. I would have pelted it at his head. Now let's go over what I witnessed my friend do. I saw her crafting with her kids, taking them to see Santa, working with her son on his schoolwork that he was having such difficulties with, encouraging her kids to eat their meals, buying them clothes, taking them to doctor's, planning their birthdays, and so much more. She was really the epitome of a good mom. If anything her only downfall was she let them walk over her sometimes too, but she is getting much better at stopping that issue.
So during this split the ex husband began insisting on a 7/7 split and to give my friend ohhhhh about $150 a month in child support..........sigh. Now let me state that I understand some people agree with a 7/7 split. I don't! I don't think it's in the best interest of the kids and I take issue with a man that was not involved with the kids during the marriage but then insists on a 7/7 split after the marriage. This suggestion has financial gain written all over it. However, if a man is genuinely the primary care giver at home and is actively involved then I could see the 7/7 being suggested. Again, this was NOT the case. A 7/7 split can create issues with children who have two different parents with two different views on homework/study time, two different ways of eating, two different sets of bedtimes, etc. However, because my friend is SO nice she didn't insist the kids stay with her until the divorce was final. I won't go into all the details of their case, because it's not my case to share. I would go into examples of horrible nasty things that have been said or done, but again it's not my case to share. I could go into the other settlements in the decree that are 100% ridiculous, but again it's not my case to share. I also don't want to jeopardize anything. However, I will say that a real man knows when to step up and do what's right for his children. I real man knows that a lengthy court case isn't healthy for the kids and in the end will cost him a whole lot more than it would to do what's right. A real man wouldn't belittle, bully, or manipulate the mother of his children. A real man could stand up and admit she was a good mother and again would do what's right!
"As she has planted, so does she harvest; such is the field of karma." Sir Guru - Having people rally around you and support you both financially and emotionally is the result of good karma. It's the result of the amazing deeds another person has done in their past expecting nothing in return from others. It's amazing how people come forth to help in a time of need when you have done nothing in the past, but be kinds to others. However, I have another quote to share too "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity. ~Edwin Hubbel Chapin" So I encourage you to think about what you are doing in your life today. If you knew that the world would give you back what you are putting forth would you accept your are putting forth your best? If not........rethink what you are doing.