I decided to move this blog from myspace as it may be to personal for some to read. Anyone that truly knows me knows that writing is my therapy. I haven't returned many phone calls yet, but I am sure people knew I would eventually make my way to a computer. So first things first let's start with yesterday. If you don't know already I am very terrified of enclosed Mri machines. I believe that I am a pretty strong woman but try to stuff me in a small tube and I bite! In fact, the night before the MRI I woke Mike up because I dreamt someone was trying to stuff me up the bank tube at the drive thru at Wells Fargo. Despite how thin I normally am I am not thin pregnant and just FYI will not fit up the bank chute! Anyway, Mike and I are rather used to waiting on tests and doctors. So we waited in the small waiting area to be called back for the MRI. The striking gown they gave me to change into is something I really should have considered for our wedding. Luckily my OB gave me a Valium (that I didn't take...I refused), but see if the MRI tech thinks you are on medicine you get called to the back ASAP. They also don't like to make the preggo women waiting so that was in our benefit.
So they got me back to the MRI and even though I was a bit panicked Mike was my rock and patted my head throughout the entire procedure. Afterwards we exited the MRI room and I saw the main doctor reviewing the films and on the phone. "Crap" I muttered to Mike. He asked me why I said that and I explained there was no reason for the Dr to be on the phone unless she was calling my OB. He thought I was being negative but I am just medically educated....I was also right. She came and got us and led us to her private office. Calmly she looked at us and told us that the news was not good and that there was in fact a "very worrisome problem". So I sat there without letting the tears fall and watched her flip through some films. An MRI film is rather difficult to read, but I listened the best I could. I was also ready with questions. Mike on the other hand....was devastated and I could feel the vibe radiating from him. This is his boy, his son, the baby he has wanted so bad. After losing 4 children with his previous ex wife he now faces this. Sometimes you just want to kick fates ass don't you? Anyway, I heard her explanation "The back of the baby's brain is thinning and there are 2 dark spots which looks like their might have been a prior bleed (stroke) in his brain. " All stuff I can handle, because evidence shows those items can resolve themselves in the third trimester. I was ok until heard "the baby's head is measuring normal but the back of the brain is measuring 16mm vs 19mm." UGH, not good and I knew this wasn't good. I was also very composed until I saw the doctor tear up. Oh dear....pass the Kleenex please. She went on about how we were a great couple and giving news like this is always the hardest thing to do. She then went on to tell us that just a few years ago this NEVER would have been diagnosed. So the baby could have #1 been fine when it was born, #2 had severe issues that would have been caught in the third trimester sonogram which probably would have present itself as hydrocephalus (water on the brain), or #3 been born and had issues when older or immediately. So she then went on to explain that she is making a diagnosis on an undeveloped brain. Most MRI'S start at 22 weeks and even then are very difficult to determine and Jude is only at 19 weeks almost 20. She also said that he was so active in the MRI that they had to stop to get him to calm down (he didn't like the noise and boy my belly is sore) so that showed significant brain activity which is promising. So how is that for confusing.
So my thoughts? Who knows. I go back and forth between thinking all will be ok in the end to thinking I just need to accept this pregnancy is not going to happen. Then I also realize that this is not like dealing with the heart. If there is a major malformation of the heart the baby cannot survive. No, we are dealing with the most complex organ in the body. An organ that doctors admit they do not understand fully. There is a man that has lived with severe hydrocephalus for 40 years without issues....he doesn't even have a shunt. This isn't a baby that I have miscarried early (which would also be difficult) this is a baby that is alive, kicking, wiggling, moving, and I can feel him! I am actually one of those women that believes in termination if it is going to be a child that has no quality of life. I wouldn't want to live that way so why should I expect my child to. Then again would I just cast Emily aside if something happened to her? No. She is my life and if I had to quit my job and live off berries to tend to her for the rest of my life I would. So why wouldn't I do the same for this child? He is no different, and he is alive, and is my child! The problem here is we have all this technology that is suppose to help with things like this.....but ours gives no definitive answers. SO what is one to do? People say God will only give you what you can handle. Nah, God wouldn't give someone this. I can tell you that life presents itself in a way that you HAVE to handle the situation. Although, yesterday I was rather close to springing a mental leak. I am a bit better today. We went to Emily's game and I watched her STINK and could tell the poor little thing was affected by it all too. I called her over made her shake shake out her negative thoughts and then go back in and have fun. As I write this my Em is in her room and Jude is yet again kicking me hard. I am thinking of the box of baby bedding that arrived at my office yesterday that I have yet been able to open. I left it there in my office and just came home. I am listening to my husband stress, fret, cry, and be very angry. We question the world, question women that don't want their children , question ourselves, and God. All things we should just let go. Although, I can tell you this....and I am not a woman in denial that I knew at each one of these tests that the results were not going to be good. Call it my sixth sense Sarah M says I have (Which scares her). I can also tell you that my gut says with some slight delays I think this baby is going to be ok, but I guess we will see. So I have decided to take my findings to a local pediatric neurologist and get their opinion. We will then take it from there, and decide if we are going to continue or not.
On a side note another thing I wonder is the fact that they never would have caught this on a regular 2D or 4D sonogram. According to my OB baby Jude still looks normal on their systems. They only caught the above issue after my level 2 sono (I am 35). So is that good or bad that technology has come that far? I guess if they can catch an issue before it progresses and treat it then it's good. Although, what says there aren't other children out there that had an issue like this they never even caught without a level 2 and it resolved itself. I guess if the situation progressed it would have only been caught in the 3rd trimester regular sono with the fluid on the brain....hence the reason most MRI'S are after 20 weeks I guess. Just makes a person wonder though....how many things are they catching now a days that resolve themselves without anyone ever knowing? I guess the medical field is sometimes one large question thus doctors are always just working from a hypothesis. I am afraid I will miss my friends tonight at Gina's party but I wish you all the best. I will post more after each visit on this site.