So, here's the big announcement.....Emily got married!
It was the most beautiful wedding ceremony I have ever seen. I know I'm biased, but I'm also a realist, and I say that with absolutely no pun intended. The day was everything we had planned and hoped it would be. Most importantly, I think Emily had the absolute time of her life. She was the most stunning bride I have ever seen!!
Then the next day arrived, and for reasons I couldn't quite explain, I was just...sad.
It wasn't because the wedding was over. It was because the entire wedding season with Emily had come to an end. While I was overjoyed for the incredible new chapter she was beginning, I realized one of my own chapters had quietly closed, forever.
Then another realization hit me.
Jude wasn't there.
He never got to stand beside his sister on one of the biggest days of her life. And I'll never get to bump fists with him as he walks down the aisle to meet his own bride.
That thought opened the floodgates.
Add to that the loss of one of our dogs, making the permanent decision to remove a toxic family member from our lives, the constant stress of work, former friends proving themselves to be complete assholes, the never-ending bills, and the heartbreaking loss of Miss Dallas...it all became too much.
Jenn suffered a complete and total mental breakdown.
Yep. The first one I've ever had in more than 30 years.
It was not cute. Not many people knew. It was really bad.
Trying to keep showing up at work while explaining to my work family why I was suddenly falling apart wasn't easy. Ironically, despite being an emotional mess, I had some of the biggest sales weeks of my career.
Then I spent a weekend with friends, shared a bottle of vodka, and very quickly remembered exactly why I quit drinking.
I do not recommend it. AT ALL!
The emotional crash took a physical toll, too. I ended up with severe gastritis, threw my back out, and felt completely exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have struggled with gastritis since I was a child due to stress, but this was Godzilla.
Then, about three weeks into all of it, I woke up one morning and said, "This is not what I want."
Looking back, I'm grateful my breakdown only lasted as long as it did. I know many people battle these struggles for months or even years, and my heart truly goes out to them.
When Emily got engaged, I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to let grief define the rest of my life. I lost 55 pounds, started Pilates, and worked hard on my mental health. I had come too far to let myself slide backward.
So over the last week, I've focused on resting, healing, and putting myself back together.
Today, I feel so much better. I feel like myself again!!
Maybe I was overdue for a breakdown after more than 30 years of trauma. Maybe I just needed life to give me a swift kick in the ass and remind me that healing isn't a straight line. Whatever the reason, I'm thankful to feel like myself again.
Tomorrow it's back to work, back to making plans, and back to being the very best parent I can be. And yes...I'm officially accepting grandkids anytime now.
I'm also incredibly thankful for the amazing neighbors we've met since moving. Their sweet kids have brought so much unexpected joy into our lives. I honestly think God knew we needed them.
When I stop and look around, I realize just how blessed I am. My job, my friends, my family, the people who stayed, and the new adventures ahead, they've reminded me that even after the darkest valleys, there's still so much to look forward to. To my husband, GOD BLESS YOU.
Will I ever direct another pageant? Honestly, I'm not sure. But if I do, I can promise you one thing, no man will ever be able to tear it down again. In the meantime, I've been tossing around an idea for a retreat, and I have to admit...I think it's a really good one.
For now, I'm just grateful to feel like me again.
Thank you to everyone who gave me grace while I worked through everything, from my work family to my friends to my own family. Your patience, encouragement, and love meant more than you'll ever know.
I love you all.
No comments:
Post a Comment