Tears and Floods

I have taken on some new roles with the work I do and I am so busy that people aren't hearing from me much. Just know I am still here and love you all! Because I have been so busy Mike took me to dinner last night. While at our table there was the most adorable little girl sitting next to us. She had big beautiful brown eyes and the cutest bob haircut. She was with her grandparents and kept playing with her grandmother laughing out loud. At first I smiled because she was so infectiously adorable. Then the tears that generate out of no where just fell like Niagra Falls and I could not stop them. Mike joked that we couldn't get the waitress to pay for our bill. I said, "well hell no she's back there thinking I am NOT going to that table." And then we both laughed which is all you can do. 

Many of you know I am in Texas just merely four hours away from the devastating floods affecting the great state I live in. I've seen such horrible devastation and Mike and I both have family and friends affected. We ask that you pray and donate to those in need. This catastrophe will take years to recover from and we don't need to forget about those in need!  

I am currently watching the movie, "John Q" and man I can so relate! I would not go to those extremes but having a medically fragile child and trying to get medical help with insurance can be that frustrating. 

We are leaving for our short trip to celebrate Jude's life and his birthday on Friday. I am leaving our animal sitter with all our bad babies and I have informed him they're much worse than Marley on Marley and me lol. 

Have a good night! I am blogging on my phone so forgive my grammar.

The Circle Theory.

What does Graham Allen say?, "Watch out America because this one's going to sting!" It stung me but I learned from it. 

I have taken on a new position at work so I don't have much time to blog anymore. However I decided to take a mini lunch break today to check my Facebook and update my blog. 

About a year ago I posted a blog with the link to an article about the circle theory. Basically it works like this. If a person is affected by a tragedy or major situation then you place that person and their immediate family (spouse and children) in the inner most part of the circle. Then you draw additional circles around the middle which associates to the next closest people. So a circle for family, then friends, then co workers, etc, etc. You cannot dump anything negative into the inner circles and you need to refrain from getting involved more than you have been asked to with the inner circles. Even though last year we were the inner most part of the theory I decided to adopt this way of thinking in my regular life and I can report a year later it's been amazing! I figured this circle theory could apply to more than just tragedies and personal struggles. 

In other words I withdrew myself as much as possible from any negativity, drama, or tragic situations that I should not be personally involved in. If I have a friend or family member that has a situation going on then I let them know I am here if they need me and I step back until I am asked for help. I have realized people's personal tragedies and circumstances are not my own personal drama's. So if there is a divorce, a drug situation, a death, problems in a marriage, school issues, a separation, a child drop out of school, or other issues I realize it's not my personal drama.  Nor is my opinion needed or requested unless it's been personally asked for. My friends and my family know I am there if they need me but me sitting around participating in dramatic conversations that only lead to further frustrations doesn't help. Me sitting around being worried and stressed over a situation out of my control, does not help. So I take care of what I can in my own immediate family's life, I realize before I judge that my mirror is dirty too, and I let those I love know I am there is they want and need me there. 

I am not saying I won't speak up if someone is being abused or mistreated because I will. However eliminating situations out of my life that my opinion and decisions have no bearing on has had a significant difference in my personal stress level. I for one really like the circle theory! 

The Seconds

When I first lost Jude I heard parents who had lost children say that the second year is the hardest. I personally thought they were insane and disregarded their comments. I can now admit that the parents that told me this information were very well versed in grief and were spot on.  I think you spend so much of your life right after losing someone very close in deep shock and you don't truly FEEL anything. I personally ran from the situation and immersed myself into work, traveling, or having multiple glasses of wine. Now that I have a reign on my grieving process I feel very very alone. I'm not lost but I do feel alone and almost a bother to those around me. Simple tasks seem like MT Everest to me and require a lot of patience from others.

It's mostly all based on my own hang ups but I do see many other grieving parents struggle with the same feelings I do. The "seconds"'seem to far exceed the "firsts" in emotional turmoil. The second birthday is fast approaching and even though we are getting away it's still extremely sad. I realize that the tiny baby face I remember so vividly in my mind never really stood a shot at life as we know it. I also realize I am older and cannot have anymore children and I am not sure I want to adopt so I'm conflicted. While I watch everyone drop their children at the first day of school this week I realize Jude would be 9! He would be in the fourth grade and probably amazingly smart like Mike. This week of back to school has been a hard but one I share in joy and sadness with those around me. I watch your children with a smile while I try to cover my true pain but still smile in admiration at you're triumphs.

Some might think it's because of Emily is gone but it's not because I am so incredibly proud of Em! She rushed Delta Gamma this week (story for another day) and she's called me multiple times. Even though today's call was to find her laundry detergent, lol. I do miss Emily and seeing her beautiful smile each night on my couch but I know she will do so well.

I think in the second year I have also become more aware that we all have personal tragedies going on and I realize that even though I need people sometimes they just don't have anything to give and vice versa. Sometimes I'm not sure how much I have left in me but then I email or text a friend late at night and someone is always there with a smile.

So what's been the hardest part of the second year?
1. Not knowing where Jude went
2. The anger! Ugh I'm so mad sometimes especially at what I perceive as stupid pointless arguments in the world. So forgive me if I get wound up
3. I can't sleep... ever. I am still just tired
4. The doctors just say "this is normal"
5. Saying the words, "this isn't any easier" even though I thought it would be.
6. Eliminating those that just continue to drag me down
7. Realizing my life is just to much for others at times and respecting that
8. Realizing what's important to me may not be as important as I perceive it to be

So thank you to those that continued to understand. That knew I was fragile and didn't expect anything in return. I may be sad at times but you are appreciated.

Emily's At College and Jude's Birthday

So this past weekend I flew with my BFF Gina to get Emily's dorm set up. I seriously owe Gina like 400 hours of babysitting or whatever she needs for the past two weekends. She flew all of Emily's luggage to West Virginia for Emily's competition and then she turned around and helped me fly all her luggage again to Alabama. 

I am happy to announce that Emily was second runner up at the Teen International competition!! We were absolutely thrilled she placed so well. Her friend Carly teen CA won the entire event and she was just a doll!! 

So now skip forward to the past weekend and it was a whirlwind. Gina and I flew out very early on Saturday morning and got to Birmingham. From there it was about an hour drive to Tuscaloosa where we had to hunt Emily down in sorority rush week to get the key to her dorm. I made a joke to Gina that I hoped Emily's dorm wasn't on an upper level since we had so many items.......it was on the 5th floor, of course. Anyway, we set the entire room up while she was rushing and we joked via text that we didn't care if she didn't like it. When she got back she was thrilled and extremely grateful! We then took her to dinner and when we dropped her off "Aunt Gina" got a little teary saying goodbye. 

I on the other hand kept myself pretty composed until I shed a few tears on the plane. Not because I am leaving Emily behind because I know she will thrive but because it's another new normal. I should be going home to a son that I would be getting ready for the first day of school but I am not. There are no children scampering around my house this year getting ready for the fall full of Halloween and parties. So that's why I am sad. Emily I am proud of and I know she will excel. She will also be flying back in for the Emily's Smile Box Day in September. I will most likely throw a birthday get together for her at our house after the Smile Box event. 

Speaking of we are scrambling a bit to raise another $2500 for Emily's Smile Boxes for the fillers for the boxes for the event. If or your company would like to make a tax deductible donation we do accept paypal at Emilyssmileboxes@yahoo.com. It's getting to that time of year where we have to place the order for all the boxes, labels, postcards, and fillers for the event. 

So I also have some exciting news coming up that I will share with everyone soon but I will say it's a positive thing. :) 

Mike and I heading to Pagosa Springs CO for Jude's birthday to have some quiet time alone and relax with nature. I am looking forward to some time with him.