Sometimes in life I believe we mean to help someone by offering advice but our advice can create new issues or the advice can make matters worse. I am writing this blog not to point fingers at anyone in particular but to maybe help others regarding communication and maybe help someone feeling down today. So if your reading this please don't take offense in any way and just know I love you. We have all heard the cliche' offerings that are given after a loved one dies. They're in a better place, God needed another angel, God won't give you more than you can handle, and at least they're not suffering. Those sentences just don't really help. Offering a hug or just sitting and crying with the grief stricken will mean far more than words.
What about words that are said after some time has passed after a loved one dies? In my grief forum I watch people type out information that's been said to them. The statement that it's time to move on, it's time for you to be happy, or it's time for you to work on yourself are top on the list. I had the last line said to me twice last week. "Maybe it's time to work on yourself and start working out." This was said with the very best of intentions by two people that love me VERY much. So I am not upset by the statements at all because again they were said with love. However it literally STOPPED me in my tracks and made me think, "WAIT do I not look good? Is there something wrong with me?" because I honestly thought I looked just fine. Maybe not a bombshell but I honestly thought I looked fine before Jude passed and after. In America we have such a stigma around looking perfect like the perfect weight, height, hair, makeup, and skin. I literally had to step back and evaluate the situation. The people talking to me just want me to be happy and healthy but it still it made me realize how we look others. Why can't we just look at someone and love them just the way they are without any judgment or side conversations? I'll admit I have judged before and wondered how someone gained weight or let themselves go.
In the recent Miss Universe pageant Miss Canada was widely criticized for her weight. In fact she is STILL being criticized on the pageant forums and by many Americans.
Her response was, ""While I am first to say I am not as lean as I was when I was 16, 20, or even last year…I am more confident, capable, wise, humble, and passionate than ever before," Bearchell wrote. "As soon as I started to love who I was rather than always trying to fit what I thought society wanted me to be, I gained a whole new side of life." Amen sister!
I have a treadmill at my house that I like to walk on and watch Netflix. This makes me happy and makes me feel healthy. I don't push myself but when I have time I walk and watch my shows. I have been through hell and if I came out of it a little heavier and sporting a slicked back pony tail then so be it, I came through it. Things like fancy clothes and perfect looks just aren't that important to me anymore. I am doing okay and my marriage is solid so that's what matters. My husband loves me with all his heart regardless of any appearance and I am fine with myself. Do I have a goal to eventually look better, sure but right now I am pretty happy with who I am. I miss Jude and someday's are much harder than others but overall life is being handled in the best manner I know how. I am surviving each day after the loss of a child and that in itself should be pretty amazing. So if you have someone you know that lost someone they love just remember it takes time. After my mother died I remember my grandmother saying how it took her ten years before she didn't think of my mom's loss every single day. So unless asked for my advice I plan to offer hugs and support for those that need it in the future. Maybe even go out of my way to smile at someone today and tell them how nice they look. Tell yourself, "I am great just the way I am!" and then smile and mean it.
On a side note I don't want to make people worry but I thought I would share one of the most prevalent postings I see in my forums regarding loss of children. Many parents lost their children in ATV accidents. So if you have a child that loves riding ATV'S it might be worth investing in a helmet and lessons regarding speed. I guess if this post can save one life then it's worth talking about. 25 percent of people killed on ATV'S are children younger than age 16.