Wednesday, February 17, 2016

A Look Back

I was reading back over my blog and I learned so much about our situation. First my grammar was terrible! It still is but at least I feel a bit further educated. The first blog I went back and read was my very first entry. 
I can hear in my writing how much I am wrestling with all the information that we were given. I seem to point out multiple times throughout my posts that the OB kept repeating that Jude looked normal on their sonograms. I think I was negotiating with myself and with God while praying for a miracle. 

Then I moved on to our visit with Dr Payne. wow I was angry. I can read the anger in my sentences. I was also very naive or I guess just ill informed but the doctors were too. It was all a huge guessing game on what Jude's future would hold. They weren't even sure if Jude would survive the pregnancy. We went from being told there was little hope, to there was hope, to maybe there isn't, to okay there is. It was the most complicated roller coaster I had ever been on. 

Finally I saw the post where Jude was born He was finally here and we were so proud. I can tell in my writing that I had gone from angry to acceptance that whatever Jude's situation was we were going to handle it the best we could and love him with all we had. There is literally a turning point in my writing where I can see myself grow as a person. Then as fate would have it Jude had his first seizure Reading back on this post I can see again how much we had grown. We went from being panicked to understanding that something tragic had just happened and we had to deal with it in the best way we could. So we tried to be calm and follow the right path and make the best decisions for everyone involved. 

Then I went on to the blog that I shared regarding Jude's official diagnosis I remember that day. I remember that we knew in our hearts his diagnosis wasn't going to be favorable. Looking back at the entire situation I just kept hoping the stroke had not caused massive damage. I kept blogging that I felt Jude would be okay but I was just trying to make myself believe the positive when I knew it wasn't the case. When the doctor walked in the room that fateful day with an entourage trailing behind him I knew it wasn't good news. The doctor sat down and I remember being so taken by surprised that he was cold and factual. However I now understand that was just his nature and I respect that. From his point of view Jude's situation was severe and he didn't expect Jude to survive past 5. In fact I remember him specifically saying that pneumonia is generally the cause of demise. When talking about your child you just want to hear comforting words but at that time period he just didn't have them to offer. We did switch to a different neurologist that we loved. One that said no one could put an expiration tag Jude but Jude. With that being said again I can respect the other doctor's view point too. I guess that's another part of the growth within our story. 

As my blog continues through the years I definitely can see the emotional highs and lows. I always struggled with wondering why such acute and painful afflictions fall upon young children. I guess I will always struggle with that particular question. I can say without a a single doubt that my children have been the best educators of my life and my husband is my hero. I am blessed that I have had them all throughout this painful but amazing experience.  

No comments: