Oh those hard days.

Mike and I almost seem to be in sync in regards to our emotions. We can be having the worst Jude day and not say a word to each other that one of us is suffering. Then a little text will come in that simply says, "It's a hard day" and the reply text is always, "here too." I am not sure why it hits us both on particular days but it does.

Today we are both OVER what seems to be petty problems people complain about. We both understand they are huge problems to that individual person but in our aspect of the world of child loss they don't seem large to us. So we just try to remember everyone is dealing with something and to treat everyone with kindness.

I am sure it's because the holiday is approaching again and little boys with toys are running around with spunk. We cannot help but look at those little boys and dream of Jude. So today I will work on being grateful for the blessings in front of us and all the time we had with precious Jude.

The Silence

Gosh I have been so busy I feel like I am missing everyone. Being busy is a great thing though and I am making great strides at work which makes me feel accomplished. The holidays are fast approaching again and that always brings mixed feelings of sadness and joy. I am beginning to battle insomnia a bit again which I think I can directly relate to my feelings regarding the above. At night I generally wake up between 3-4 which is the exact same time I used to wake up with Jude. Sometimes I wake up thinking I hear Jude's oxygen pump whistling, his feeding monitor blaring, or his blood/ox alarm beeping. Mostly though I just hear silence so I run my bathroom fan to drown out how loud the silence is. It's amazing how deafening it can be to hear absolutely nothing. 

Yes it's still sad and yes we still miss Jude very much. However I can say we are starting to find laughter again and are making great strides to get back out and do things. I think work is helping us heal and being involved in the community is helping as well. I have to drag Mike with me but he does go and seems to enjoy himself. 

I am anxious for Emily to get home so we can put up the holiday and remember how much Jude loved the Christmas lights. Last year as people put up the trees they would post pictures on social media and tag them #IdiditforJude. If you think of him I think that would be nice again. 

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone. Be grateful for all you have because you never know when your have could turn into have not.