Disney and Loss

Last night I had a rare night with Emily without anyone having to work or be consumed in schoolwork. We decided to watch the new release of Beauty And The Beast and it was everything I had hoped it would be. It was surreal and lovely watching it with Emily who will soon be leaving for college. I felt luck that I had the opportunity to be her mother and enjoy Disney with her as a child. I thought back to all the days of costumes, cartoons, and princesses. Then I began to think about Jude and although the moment could have been sad it wasn't. Jude loved musicals and although he couldn't run and play imitating his favorite character who could smile continuously as the actors sang. So in summary I would say Disney has provided me many lasting memories with my children which I will always be grateful for. 

Mike and I have a ten year anniversary coming up in October. I cannot believe it's been ten years and it's definitely been a journey laced with good and bad. We have discussed all types of options for a celebration from going out of town to throwing a party everyone could attend. It will honestly come down to finances and then we will figure out what will be best. 

For some reason there has been an influx of people we are hearing about that are passing away at a relatively young age. They range from 31 - 56 and the deaths just seems to be coming in waves lately. I have been pushing everyone I know to get life insurance either through me or someone else. It's so sad to hear about someone passing now because my heart just aches for their family. I can imagine how terrible their next days are while they plan the funeral and how their lives will move forward. The daunting task of packing up all the belongings that once inhabited their loved ones closet and room. I only pray they will be able to find some peace some day and find happiness again. 

Nurse Allan should get his check today and I thank all those that participated in raising funds for his recovery. 

Emily's graduation

Emily graduated from High school on Tuesday and I was very proud of her. I cried at her royal awards but I didn't at her graduation I mostly just felt satisfied. I know that sounds odd but I did. As parents I feel our job is to get our children to adulthood with good hearts, an education, and determination. I feel like Emily has these qualities and although I am going to miss her being at my house I know her adult life is now starting. I will miss her bounding down the stairs, her missing the point of every joke, and her sweetness. She will be back though and I will get to see her smiley face. I am not sure how it will be at my house without Emily and Jude but I am sure a bit quiet. 

Emily will be leaving 8/11 for the University of Alabama, in fact I am about to book her flight. I will then fly down with Gina and help get her dorm set up.  We will see how the first year away from home goes but I have faith that in 4 years Emily will be a nurse helping others as much as she can. 

Jude's sweet nurse Allan is having heart surgery today. He has given so much to so many that I thought I would try to raise some funds to help him out while he cannot work. I know he and Larry don't read my blog so I am pretty sure we are safe posting here because I am trying to keep it a surprise. So I am asking that no one share the link on Facebook but privately. If you would like to contribute here is the link. https://www.youcaring.com/allanfackler-837271

Machester and Anger!

I am sorry it's been awhile since I blogged but it's taken weeks to get over this horrible respiratory illness. In fact I am still coughing which is very annoying but it is what it is. 

Last night when I got home I was going about my normal routine when Mike called out to me and said, "There has been a bombing in England." My sister had just flown out from Heathrow to Scotland that morning so I immediately stopped and sat down with Mike to watch the news. Then I learned it was at an Ariana Grande concert and I realized the target was children and teens. "Jesus" I muttered in shock and in a way of prayer. More than 70% of the 21,000 people there were made up of children and teens. Who does this? What type of mindset do you have to have to strap a nail bomb to your waist and walk into an area filled with young people full of aspirations and dreams and end their lives? A person with no soul. 

This attack has really affected me and I feel myself drawn to watch the stories unfolding of those who have been lost. Maybe it's because as a  mother who has lost a child my heart just ached for the parents last night. My own daughter attended the Ariana Grande concert in our city and I couldn't imagine standing outside the arena waiting and hoping to see her in a sea of people. The news made reference last night that out of 21,000 people the situation could have been worse. To those injured and killed it cannot get any worse and the numbers make no difference to their family's. Many people are refusing to watch the news and while I understand I also feel we have a responsibility to know this is really happening and this carnage truly exists because it's time a solution is found. I have no idea what that solution is but these radical terrorists have infiltrated our country and those countries around us. They no longer only exist in the Middle East. They are our neighbors, our co-workers, our clients, and they walk among us without fear. 

In my research I have found that suicide bombings became a staple to inflict terror in Lebanon. In 1983 one of the worst attacks carried out on the US military was on a Marine barracks in Lebanon and the blast killed 241 people. Unfortunately, the use of suicide bombings has become a staple that now encompasses not only men but women and children. Israel has taken steps to deter these actions by stripping the family of the bomber left behind of any monetary gain and destroying their homes. That's an interesting approach. Through research I have also learned that there are arguments on if each suicide bombing should be labeled a terrorist attack or a movement. In my opinion it's always a terrorist attack. Any act of violence that inflicts death and fear in my opinion should always be labeled terror. 

I know we cannot live in fear but I do live more aware and I believe that's the educated approach to the situation. I am not fond of large crowded arenas but when I am out I do spot the exit and I use common sense when I can. If someone is at a function that wouldn't necessitate the need for a backpack I do make note. I also have zero fear in reporting something or someone I think is suspicious. We are lucky here in America because most of us live in our protected little bubbles but I think we also need to remember it's not hard to pop a bubble. My hope is that someday our world finds a way to peace and that all the children of the world once again feel safe and loved. 

Prayers to the family's of those that were lost in this senseless act and wishes for a speedy recover to those that were injured. 

The Loyal Dog

May 10, 2014 - We took Jude to Sea World and to Morgans Wonderland for his Make A Wish trip and it was amazing. On top of the fabulous trip we picked up our new puppy Liebe.  She was originally picked to become a therapy dog for Jude. When Mike went to go meet the breeder and pick up the new puppy I handed him a pink carrier and waited for their return. I knew I was in trouble when he walked through the door and I see a tiny little German Shepherd head sticking out of a freshly chewed hole in the carrier. It was instant love and Jude loved her too and how fitting since that's the very meaning of her name. When he first saw her he truly looked at her and even put his hand on her which was a huge accomplishment for Jude. 

We could tell in an instant how smart Liebe was and to this day she is still incredibly intelligent. She never really got to be Jude's therapy dog because he became so ill after his surgery. However Liebe was always there. 

She even let me dress her up. 

She was always there looking over the railing at Jude. Sometimes she would just sit on the couch with us while I held Jude and we watched TV together. 

When Jude died one of the saddest moments to me was watching Liebe sniff his bed all over like she was looking for him. She wasn't used to the sides of the bed being down and she looked a bit confused. I think she eventually got it. She took his green turtle blanket my sister made Jude and I just let her have it. She is a good dog! She is smart, kind, gentle, and loyal. Happy family anniversary Liebe. 

The Great Sickness

My co-worker Chandi came down with flu A. Since I have already had that strain I wasn't to worried as I should be immune. However on Friday she stated she still wasn't feeling very well. A fleeting thought ran through my head wondering if her flu could have turned into pneumonia. Sure enough on Saturday she sent me a message she had the dreaded P word and would not be at work. I felt really bad for her. Then she kept trying to make herself come to work because she felt bad and I finally just forced her to go to the ER and then go home. I pulled the husband card and contacted her man who does a good job of looking out for her and he got her to the proper place. 

On Tuesday I noticed I got a bit winded on my evening walk so I just did one lap. I figured I was just tired and went about my day by Wednesday and Thursday I was dragging a bit more. On Friday the holy rain of hell hit and I was sicker than I have ever been. I dragged myself to work since Chandi was out and that wasn't wise. I loathe being sick and this year I have been more sick than I have every been. It annoys me, it annoys others, and I am over it. My thieves oil is letting me down lately. Anyway, by Sunday I thought I was feeling a bit better but boy was I wrong. I have reasoning for telling you all this so bear with me. 

Yesterday morning I woke up about 4:30 am and I couldn't breathe. I was panicked but I evaluated the situation like I used to for Jude. I have a pediatric dose of xanex that has been given to me for the PTSD I suffer from Jude's passing. I took a half to calm myself down, then I took a breathing treatment, gave myself some CPT, took my temp which had spiked again and then took a steaming bath. Then I gathered up my items and took myself to the ER. The doctor was very kind and very patient. He said this has been going around and he believed my fever spike was not from the infection but a systemic reaction to the inflammation in my respiratory system. I thought he might be crazy but he ordered a shot of a high dose steroid and I swear within 30 minutes I went from feeling like death to feeling awful. HUGE improvement. Later while I was waiting in my room I overheard him briefing the doctor who was relieving him and he was explaining my situation. He said after all his built up immunity he wound up catching what I have also and there have been a lot of people in with it. He explained he has MRSA and actually wound up hospitalized and lost 28lb in 3 weeks. I thought omg MRSA. So I mentioned when they came in that Jude had MRSA and we had nurses in our house all the time. They explained this could be a super bug then and that's why it hit so hard. This is my breathing last night and I felt SO much better so that gives you an idea of how sick I really was. I used to always tell Jude he sounded like he had pop rocks in his throat. 

I really just removed myself from life in general to get better which I think was a hard concept for some because I always just keep going. I didn't go go this time I stop stopped. I also noticed many people no longer follow me on Facebook because they didn't know my condition and that's understandable. I have a lot on my Facebook regarding Jude and businesses and that can be tough. 

All I could do during all of this was think of Jude. I thought of how he struggled with this 16 times and how awful it must have been for him. I thought of that last time he struggled and how he didn't win the fight and how scary it must have been to not get air into his lungs. I can hope that it wasn't hard for him but I know it was. I know my grief for Jude will always be there and always be strong but this weekend also inspired me to make some changes in my life. I want happiness again and I am looking for that and praying for the right path. 

The Follow Up To Yesterday's Blog.

My blog I posted yesterday seemed to incite two different reactions from people. On one hand people were highly concerned about my mental stability while another side completely related and loved the post. I shared the post in my loss forum and the response has been amazing from people. The blog has received almost 3000 views and hundreds of shares in 24 hours. I have received emails, posts, and private messages thanking me for posting the raw truth of how gritty grief can be. So I thank those that took the time to reach out and letting me know the blog helped. 

I also thank those that are highly concerned and can only tell you that this is how it is. I don't mince words or emotions and I never have. I feel when we cover up our emotional turmoil or struggles we do an injustice to those that may travel our path someday. I think people can become proficient at wearing a mask each day to disguise their true feelings. When you peel back that mask you still find tears and only time will help dry those tears up. I read a quote today that said, "It's difficult to accept death in this society because it's unfamiliar. Despite the fact it happens all the time - We never see it." Oh man that rang true to me and I think it can also apply to many aspects of life not just death. Many times we as humans just don't see the struggle someone may be facing and we don't want to see it. Why would we want to subject ourselves to something so painful? I think that's why we always say you have to live in someone else's shoes because you truly grasp the situation they are in. I remind myself of this on a constant basis. I have no idea what someone else is dealing with so the best thing I can do is just be kind. I sometimes have to get myself in check and realize that even though my family is hurting others are hurting as well and just being kind can go a very long way. 

So again I thank you for your patience and I only hope that Jude's blog will continue to help others in need. On a more positive note this sweet little face was on my memory feed and that always makes me smile. 

Dear Parent Who Just Lost A Child

Dear parent who just lost a child - 

I am writing to you because I have been in your shoes and I want you to know there are others out there that understand your pain. I say this because when I first lost my son I felt very alone and as if no one could truly understand what I was going through. The days first following your child's death will feel like a bad dream and you will feel like you are walking through a smokey haze. You may sit in a funeral home decorated with ornate over the top artificial flowers and just stare into the Kleenex box that's sitting in front of you. You will wonder how you got there and what you did wrong in your life to have this fate. The hole that is bleeding for your child in the pit of your stomach will have waves of pain rush through it. You will feel like you hit every portion of the 5 steps of grief in multiple ten second intervals and then you may decide the entire 5 step process is not accurate at all. You may sit in your car when no one is around and scream at the very top of your lungs until your chest hurts. 

Your heart will be shattered and you will wonder how it could ever possibly be repaired. The nights are long, quiet, and the hardest part of the 24 hours you try to exist in. People will offer advice to you and words of possible encouragement that will grate on the exposed nerves in your body. You just have to remember they mean the best and it's because they love you that they say these things. You may question God or lose your faith all together and it will be up to you if you want to seek him out again. The lack of sleep you struggle with will become at times overwhelming and this does not get better any time soon. 

All the attention, food, and condolences will at times seem unbearable but hang on to those around you because after the funeral it gets very quiet. You may sit in your child's room wondering what to do with all their items or you may shut the door and leave it undisturbed for months or years. As you pack their treasured keepsakes in a cardboard box you will wonder how life can be so cruel. You will then wonder if far after your gone if others will know the significance of the items that neatly line that box. 

You may question your very existence and wonder what your purpose in life now entails. I am personally still looking for that purpose and pray for enlightenment for myself and my husband. I can tell you that you will remember the love you have for that child and always will have and somehow that love is what keeps you going. One day you laugh again and you feel guilty for it but somehow you laugh again and continue to. You may begin to venture out of your home again and try to find some hope for the future and the beauty in life. Your work may feel like a concrete shell wrapping your body in a tight squeeze but somehow you manage to do what has to be done. Somehow you just survive. 

You will cry more tears than you can ever count and you will ruin multiple contact lenses. You will realize that the cliche' that time heals all wounds is really just that a cliche'. Time will not heal your wound but it may make it easier to bandage and treat. On the one year mark of losing your child you will feel like you are reliving the nightmare all over again. You will search how to properly honor them and then you will feel like everyone is ready for you to somehow move on. Just know there is no moving on from losing a child only acceptance and heartache. There will be things called triggers that you may not even be aware your subconsciousness picked up until you are crying in a bath late at night and realize what the issue is. It may be an outfit, a specific date, a holiday, or even their favorite song on the radio. Then the only way you can describe it is that your heart hurts. 

What I have learned is to be kind to yourself and give yourself as much time as you need. To eliminate what negativity you can and to accept things will never be the same. I realized it's up to me to bring myself out of the dark hole that's labeled grief and maneuver the dark waters that lay ahead. It's not easy and it's a dark heart wrenching time but somehow we parents in all our sadness find a way to make it. Maybe we find a way to live because our children couldn't. There are many of us out there it's a type of club that no one wants to join or pay dues to. A club of broken hearts filled with mothers and fathers on a journey together to find peace and a ray of hope. 

Blessings. 

A Pity Party

I am not sure where I am going to go with this blog but it will be raw and honest as usual. On Friday we received some news that will impact us financially. Rather than weighing out the options all I could think of was the amount was half our mortgage and began to panic. My mind wasn't working rationally. If it had been working correctly I would have realized we could find extra work or find some way to make it up. I felt a little........insane Friday. Like I was going to finally just lose my damn mind. It wasn't the news it was just an abundance of everything. On Friday I felt like since I was 7 years old life has just continuously smacked me down. I had one big huge nasty freaking pity party and I do mean nasty. I thank my husband for sitting down with me that night and talking to me. I told him I am sure I needed to listen to others and realize things could be worse. He said, "like what?" and he looked at me completely serious, it shocked me because I expected him to get on to me and tell me to lighten up. He said "out of all the horrific things you have been through in your life what could be worse then losing Jude? What could be worse than losing a child"..........then he paused.........."Nothing. You have a right to be upset." 

However it's a little beyond upset. I am NOT well mentally at all and I am very well aware of that. I could see a counselor but lack health insurance however from reading my loss forums I have learned this is normal. It's just hard. That's really the only way to explain it losing someone is just hard. I think of Jude every single day and wish I could have just one more hour with him. I would give everything for him to have a normal healthy life and be here with us. I miss his nurses and our way of life even though it was difficult. Looking back this weekend was the Miss Dallas pageant and that's where we went to immediately following Jude's death to find Emily. I am sure that's what my trigger was. However it was still good to see friends and get out of the house for a bit. The house seems to be my safe haven and if anyone were to ask me what would truly help me I think I would say to be at home and just rest. Work kills me and I know I should be grateful I have a good job but I am so very tired. I just want time to properly grieve and to heal but I feel like commuting, working, and commuting back has kept me from doing that. So do I pray to have my house paid off miraculously? No. I just pray for peace and pray for those around me then I still thank God for all I have and all my blessings. 

Some days are harder than others and some days I grieve okay. Now I am just hoping that going forward we don't have anymore hail, major disasters, and that we keep everyone healthy, I would be eternally grateful. 

A Picture and More

Last night was not a good night. I sat in my bath tub and sipped on wine, listened to music, and cried my eyes out for Jude. It happens..........you have good days and bad days. Suddenly I felt like something was surrounding me and I felt compelled to snap a picture. Forgive the nature that this was snapped from my bath tub but this is what my photo showed. There are ZERO filters applied to this picture and I have the original time stamped photo. 

Two minutes later the bathroom was back to normal. 

I felt a little better so I tucked the piggy in and went to bed. 

I want to thank all of you for continuing to follow our story and for putting up with my social media posts regarding life in general and my business ventures. My therapy seems to be social media and those that have stuck with me will always be appreciated. 

Also I received this picture today!! My car has been fixed from the hail. I am so happy and cannot wait to get her back. Thanks Express Auto Hail Repair. 

Heart Wrenching But Spot On!

I don't know how you do it. 

I never could handle my child being so sick. 

You are super woman. 

I don't know how you cope. 

I just cannot imagine. 

These are all expressions I have heard and although I understand the statements it's not always accurate. Sometimes parents of sick children fall apart. Sometimes we cry, we scream, and we feel very lost. The video below made me do the ugly cry at work. I have done every single one of these acts and once you get yourself together you wipe your tears and keep walking. You do it because your child needs you and they deserve the best possible care. I have cried learning about the feeding tube just like the mom below, I have crumbled in the shower bawling, I have screamed in the car asking why Jude, and I have cried in an elevator while people were around. So yes.........you could handle it but sometimes it breaks you. Then if you lose that child the glue that held you together is no longer there so you have to find a new formula to keep moving forward.   

My first Vlog - Suicide Prevention

Welcome to my first VLOG! I didn't feel I could properly write my feelings regarding this subject. So if you feel compelled to watch my video about suicide prevention and the show 1:3 Reasons Why," then please tune in. This is a very personal subject for me and I remind you I am not a therapist I am simply a person that lived through a tragic suicide loss. NWISD lost another child this week and I needed to say these words. 

One Year

We made it through Jude's one year mark and we now keep walking the path ahead of us. I used the description today that I have before that grief feels like you have lost a limb and you learn to live your life without that major component. On Sunday we went to visit Jude and took him a few things to decorate his headstone even more than it already is. I think Jude may have the most festive place of rest there is. We put a large pinwheel up that fascinated children as I walked through the store when I purchased it so I am sure Jude would have liked it too. We also put out a basket of rocks for people to place on top of his marker to indicate they were there and said a prayer for Jude. 

It's hard for me to put into words my exact feelings a year later so I will share with you my husband raw feelings that he posted on Facebook. I relate to them completely. 

"Even after taking the worst blows of my life I have managed to survive a year. Have you ever seen the pictures of houses after a horrible tornado or hurricane? A single stoic house still standing in midst of total destruction. Although the house is standing and appears to be unscathed, what you don't see is that the house is just an empty shell of itself. What the photo doesn't show is the devastation caused in the inside and like those other houses around it that house too will soon be demolished. I sometimes wonder if my fate is the same. 
I wish I could tell you everything is ok. It's not. I'm not. I've gotten good at lying everyday. I'm ashamed to say sometimes I just don't want to be here. It's just not the same without You.
I have succumbed to the fact that this unbearable pain will always be my cross to bear. They say time lessens the pain but for that to be possible my love for You would have to lessen as well.
So like the year-passed I will forge through. I will try to live my life not like the man I'd thought I'd should be but more like the man You taught me to be.
Over the years I had told several people that I prepared for your passing as much as I could by mourning you every single day. The idea was that I wouldn't end up with a large payment of grief after you passed. Yeah, well that was another futile attempt on my part to control the uncontrollable.
It wasn't till You were born that I finally understood what I was looking for this whole time. I always new you were special but it wasn't till you were gone that I knew how blessed I was.
Now that You are gone I am left confused and unsure. Unsure what Life has in store for me. Confused about how people even manage to overcome tragedies. I used to say it is just random chaos and things just happen. I'm not so sure now. I'm having a hard time finding a purpose in life. Nothing seems as important as taking care of You.
You will always be my Son. I will always love You immensely. I ask You to keep sending me those signs. I still need those little crumbs to lead me down the right path. Until we laugh again Jude."

I have started yet another adventure but one I have always dreamed up. My hope is to someday expand and have a store front. Please do me a favor and go like this page. Also if you know someone shopping for prom or pageant dresses I would appreciate the referral. https://www.facebook.com/Scarlett-Annes-Boutique-690569741114716/?pnref=story

A Hard Night and 13 Reasons Review

I didn't sleep well last night. It was a year ago today that there were two entries made in my blog. The later one said, "Jude has taken a rapid decline," before I sped home to see his little face. I will never forget that drive home and holding him in my arms. It's a sad but precious memory. I was up way to late, I didn't sleep well when I did lay down, and I don't want to be at work today so please have patience with me. We know it's just a weekend we have to get through. 

On a different note, I have been watching the Netflix series 13 Reasons. It's no secret that this show is based on a girl who committed suicide in high school and gives 13 reasons why she performed the act. I have been rather mesmerized with this series and honestly wish it had been available when I was in high school. The acting is superb and the direction of a regular TV show mixed with an outstanding play performance look is resonating. This is the first show that I have seen that exposes every aspect of the challenges facing teens today. From bullying, sexual assault, drugs, poor home lives, selfishness, self discovery, sexual preferences, loneliness, depression, athletic performance, and the stress of grades. It's also the first show I believe that doesn't glorify the suicide because they tell you how it really is. It's death and it's final and you are basically thrown in a body bag. I know it sounds like a depressing show and it's challenging to watch but if you have young children that will be moving into teens or a teen I highly recommend watching it to remember how difficult it is to navigate through that age. Emily is currently watching it and I am glad because I wish I had seen it at that age.  I could see myself feeling like I wasn't alone and realizing that although life is hard people around you DO care. That you do get through high school and your situation DOES and WILL change. 

I appreciate the little things people have done for our family this week. I notice the texts, the little gifts, and everyone changing their profiles to the remembrance candle on Facebook. It's strange because the efforts make me feel comforted but there is a part of me that just doesn't want to remember so I don't say much. Just know you are appreciated. I am going to turn my phone off Sunday so if I don't answer you know why. I also dropped the freaking thing in the bath last night because that's how life rolls lately and I can only hear you on speaker if you call me. You know you giggled. I mean it sucks but it's so my luck, lol. So I have no idea when someone is calling or texting until I actually look. 

Thank you for caring. 

The Sadness In The World

Yesterday friends on Facebook were posting pictures of the devastation from the tragedy in Syria. I looked as little boys bodies lay strewn around with looks of shock still displayed on their faces and Jude just flashed in my mind. It broke my heart. I thought to myself how horribly cruel this world can be sometimes. I choose not to look at the photo's any further but that doesn't mean the devastation isn't there. Regardless of whatever political affiliation you lean towards everyone can admit people losing their lives by chemical warfare is terrible. I question what we can truly do to make the world a better place and to stop all the cruelty. I wonder if world peace will ever be a possibility. 

The other night I was taking my evening walk and I took in the serenity lacing the air in the warm spring breeze. For a fleeting moment I was overcome with excitement regarding the moment my life would be over. That sounds like a terrible thought but it was actually a very peaceful one. For the first time I realized I truly would get to see Jude again and if I make it through my life as a good and decent person that would really come to pass. I felt relief and hope and realized I no longer questioned an afterlife. 

I sometimes wonder why the world has to have so much loss, grief, and sadness. We all have our own religious thoughts or scientific based evidence but that still doesn't answer or fulfill my curiosity. I figure that the only thing I can do is try to find the beauty hidden in each day that I am here on Earth. I guess if we spread beauty and positivity then that in itself is a way to make a difference. 

A Quick Follow Up

Well the good news is my heart is no longer physically hurting. I tried to relax this weekend and get some extra sleep and it seems to have helped. Then I came to work and it's been so busy I have only literally been to the bathroom twice in 9 hours. 

So it's the week of Jude's loss and we are dealing with it. We are marching ahead even though at times we don't want to. I have been communicating with my loss group and you something that's normal, fighting with your spouse and others. You know what else? Seeming absolutely bat shit crazy. Oh forgive my curse words lately but I am just writing how I feel. I had someone tell me the other day I seemed crazy and like I have put it on display. I probably do at times but I decided that's okay because it could be a whole lot worse. I have maintained my job and my sanity for the most part so I figure I am a few steps ahead in this search for peace. I have watched people, marriages, jobs, and lives crumble in my group from the stress of losing a child so I am grateful God has given me the strength I do have so far. 

As stated we cannot go to Colorado but Mike and I are still planning on taking Monday off. I am not sure what we are doing yet but the right thing will come to us. 

A Scare And Stress

It's been a long year and one that's been filled with a lot of stress and heartache. However throughout that heartache I have always tried to find the positive in each situation. I believe it's up to us as individuals to find the road that leads to the most positive outcome. It may take me a few days to find the silver lining but I eventually tackle the problem that lies ahead and find my way to a better attitude. Today I am rather disheartened and I know it's because I am close to Jude' one year but I am also aggravated. Yesterday I kept complaining that I was having sharp pains in the left side of my chest above my heart. I have had these before and I am fairly medically educated due to Jude and know sharp pains when resting don't normally signify anything to worry about. However they lasted throughout the day and at night they became increasingly worse. About 2 am I got up and went to take a hot bath and took some medication to make myself feel better. I am SURE what happened is I was having some muscle issues and scared myself into an anxiety attack. Anyway, I calmed myself down and finally went to sleep. We women have a way of worrying ourselves silly. 

However just to err on the side of caution I did decide to go see the doctor today when the issues persisted. The doctor did an EKG and when I saw her scanning the computer for awhile I felt like I was back in the hospital with Jude. Sigh "What?" I asked point blank. She told me my EKG was abnormal. "Well of COURSE it is!" I said, "You know 2016 wasn't great and 2017 is really beginning to irritate me." She knew I was serious but being light hearted so she asked me a battery of questions and explained the EKG showed something about abnormal artery flow. So here is the run down. Three things were mentioned a build up of plaque, stress, or lupus. So the doctor ordered a calcium test and passed me along to the other side of the office. Once completed the nurse said my heart and valves show ZERO plaque build up and look great for my age (yay me). Then she talked to me about stress and was super sweet. She acknowledged our family has had an unusual amount of high stress issues and that what they see in women is that women are strong and hold up great during the actual stressful situation. However then they see the woman's body start to fall apart and it's their job to not let that happen. She said "One day a woman looks around wondering how she wound up in the hospital when she was perfectly fine. It just takes a toll." The third option discussed was Lupus. I have MANY of the symptoms relating to this disease and it's a high probability. It could even relate all the way back to the blood clotting issue I had with Jude. However it takes batteries of tests to diagnose this and I am not even sure I would want to go through that to have a label on something. I remember Jude's doctor once telling me when I asked him if Jude had Lennox Gestaut that he didn't like labels. He said "Jude has seizures and no matter what label you put on it he has them." Could it help knowing? Maybe. It helps my friend but I think I will just continue to try to live a healthy life. I am increasing my walking each night and the doctor told me if I ever get winded then that's when it gets serious and that's when we have a big issue.  

I felt aggravated today more than concerned and if something did happen to me someday then I will be with Jude. I was however very frustrated with work, Jude's loss, and just being a woman (ha), all the claims, and my claim are taxing. It seems like there aren't enough ours in the day to get everything done from working and taking care of the home. Is it really possible for women to reduce the amount of stress they have because for me it's not the big things it's all the little things that add up. Today I went Office Space on the printer while my co-worker just looked on. That darn printer had it coming! 

I don't need anyone concerned or worried I am fine. I am just venting and fielding more texts or calls would just increase my anxiety but it's nice to get it off my chest. So why put this on a blog, because it's just like Jude and it helps me spread informational items at once. It's all good. I still live in a beautiful all be it damaged but beautiful home. I have my family and my animals and they all make me happy. I have FAITH that eventually my life will calm down and I am saying that in Jesus Name! 

The Storm And Cancelling Plans

Well I am writing again but it's not without cause. Our Colorado trip has been cancelled and let me explain why. I know I have a lot of out of state and out of country readers so I am hoping I can convey what happened in a manner that you can actually understand what it's like to live in an area prone to tornado's and hail. On Sunday we had heard the possibility of some severe storms in our area. We always pay attention but Texas weather can change rapidly so we went about our day as usual. Around 7pm Emily said she needed gas in her car for the following day to get to school and I needed to run to the store for dog food. We all made a plan to head quickly to our destinations and get back before the storm hit. Emily texted us that she had gotten her gas but she had locked herself out of the house. Just then our phones blared a loud high pitch squeal alerting us there was a possible tornado forming in our area. There was not a drop of rain yet but the sky was becoming black and lightning raced across it in multiple spidery patterns. Emily texted, "Mom where are you?" and I assured her we were close. 

Once at the house we raced into the driveway, threw our cars in park, and ran into the house. We instructed Emily to clean out the closet under the stairs because it would be the best place for she and the animals. I also told her that we sat at the bottom of a hill so that is actually a good thing when dealing with tornado's because tornado's do not dip down. I guess I was just trying to make her feel better ........because I knew this could be serious. I have been in tornado's before and they are not fun at all. So Emily took shelter and Mike and I watched the TV. 

Mike who is always level headed in storms looked at the TV and calmly looked at me and said, "It's making a Bee line for us. You need to take cover." 

I went into the closet with Emily and tried to secure the door that wasn't latching properly. Mike went into another closet with our smallest dog. We waited about thirty seconds and then all hell broke loose. I mean it might as well have been Kurt Russell sitting on top of my house screaming. 

 Emily had started recording but quickly realized that storms can turn deadly and she started screaming. It wasn't a tornado it was hail the size of baseballs and softballs pounding our house. It sounded like the walls would begin to fall apart at their seams and the roof would come in at any time. I calmly grabbed Emily's arm and began to pray and assured her God would not leave us. I told her he loves us, he has plans for us, and everything would be okay. This sounds dramatic but you have to remember we were under the impression a tornado was about to be almost on top of us. Then the sound started to taper off and I emerged from the closet instructing Emily to stay put. Once we had the all clear everyone came out and we began inspecting what damage we could in the dark. It was a lot. 

We have 7 broken windows including the sky light. I thought it was 8 but it's actually only 7......only 7, lol. Our roof and gutters are totaled, the metal frames around the windows are totaled, we have holes through our cement fiber siding, the cars are a mess, and more! The hail velocity was so strong that it ripped bark from my trees, shredded our lights hanging on our house, and softball size white marks on my driveway (click on the blue car pictures above and you can see the marks on the driveway). However you know what? We are alive. We did not emerge to find the roof missing, a tornado did not hit us, we are okay, and all our animals are accounted for! I have a great insurance agent (me) so I know my coverage is superior. My roof is tarped, we are in rental cars, and in time everything will be fixed. However we did have to cancel our trip. This will affect us financially due to deductibles and I am not leaving Emily in a house in this condition. 

I know some people are wondering why we cannot catch a break and that did cross my mind. However I plan on looking at this like we did catch a break. I have been in situations where that horrible hail hits and then it gets quiet.........deathly quiet, the temperature changes, and that nightmarish train whistle starts and you know a tornado is about to hit. So we are lucky! Maybe there is a reason we weren't suppose to go to Colorado and God was looking after us. I believe the below pictures is a testament to Sunday night. This is a stained glass piece my grandfather made. I have it in my sunroom so I can watch the light reflect off of it. Directly behind it was this massive hole from a large piece of hail that ripped through the screen and the window. Somehow it didn't touch the stained glass. 

Small miracles happen everywhere. The adjuster says the company has thousands of losses but she only has about 50 homes as bad as ours and they are waiting until the next two storms over the next two days pass before they make a final calculations and start repairs. So some prayers we make it through these storms would be great. Also I have had a few sweet people calling saying "I know you are overwhelmed but....." for the first time I am 100% overwhelmed so there are not but's. We probably have $40,000 in damage or more, all three vehicles are damaged, Jude's 1 year is approaching, and I have more that I won't go into. So I might need a little understanding and some patience. Also for those not in the insurance industry this is what is called a major catastrophic storm. That means they bring in CAT adjusters and this WILL cause rates to eventually increase so I personally always prepare ahead. I add a little to my escrow each month and I am not surprised when I see a slight rate increase in my premiums. It's the cost of living in TX. 

So we will spend Jude's weekend here but we will find a way to celebrate his life next Sunday. 

A Hard Blog To Write

This is going to be a hard blog to write and I will forewarn you that some of you may not want to read it. I will leave the decision up to you if you want to move forward and read the entire post. This will probably be my last entry until after Jude's one year angelversary. It's hard to grasp the loss of a child for the family suffering the tragedy and even for those hearing about the loss. It makes people question their own mortality and their child's mortality which is nothing anyone wants to think about. Often times the response to Jude's loss is, "I cannot even imagine." Of course you can't and I don't ever want you to be in my shoes. However I do think it's important for people to truly understand how devastating it is so they can appreciate their lives and have empathy for anyone traveling this road in the future. So with that I am going to recount losing Jude. What it's really like when someone passes away. Maybe this is therapy for me, I am not sure but I feel compelled to write about it. I have mentioned I am a member of a loss forum and the comments from others make me believe that some people just don't truly comprehend how devastated these parents are. Many of the parents are pushed back to work, they have their losses compared to the loss of someone's pet, and some are accused of just seeking attention and sympathy. I luckily have encountered none of these except the pet comparison. I love my pets very much. We all know I basically have a zoo but they are not Jude and never will be. So maybe this will shed a little light on what it's like and it will help someone in the future. 

So here we go. I knew Jude was on hospice and we know what hospice means but for some reason I don't think I really ever comprehended that Jude in fact was going to die. Jude had a way of always bouncing back and he could literally be knocking at death's door only to be smiling a few minutes later. So the 48 hours of his demise was a whirlwind of shock. If you have bought my book you see there are two entries on 4/7/2016. I went to work that morning frustrated and tired. We had issues with Jude's feeding tube that week and I also felt like he was getting pneumonia again. He was tired, cranky, and crying but Jude had been through multiple bouts of pneumonia. I blogged that hospice was setting him up on a pain management schedule. Looking back I realize that they were setting Jude up on a schedule to pass peacefully. There were no antibiotics that time there was only Morphine and as a mom I just didn't comprehend what was happening. My next entry on 4/7/2016 was that Jude had taken a rapid turn for the worse. I knew this because hospice had called me at work and told me they thought it was time and I needed to come home. I melted into a bundle of tears when they called me but I quickly grabbed my purse and headed out the door towards home. So here is the hard part, Jude did not die peacefully. Jude's night was horrible, loud, and I was literally praying to God for him to take him. I will never forget the sound of his breathing because it is etched into my mind and although I prefer to think of Jude's smile the thought of that last night sneaks up at times. It was something a parent should never hear and should never live through. It took several counseling visits and Xanex to deal with. 

When Jude drew his last breath I stood there a bit in disbelief but then something took over. I am not sure if it's because I am a mom, a business person, or if it was just motions but I lept into action. I called nurse Charlotte who came over and helped me bathe Jude and fix his hair. I called the funeral home and told them I needed them to come to the house. I then called an artist to ask him to custom make Jude a Superman casket. I texted my family and asked them to keep everything private until I could get to Emily and I sent Mike to the store to get Superman pajamas. When the funeral director arrived they were amazingly kind and moved at the pace we needed them to. By then both sets of Jude's grandparents had arrived and they were waiting with us. They didn't take Jude until we were ready for them to and it was almost like a peaceful parade of people following Jude out to the the van they arrived in. Mike even helped roll Jude out and load him to be taken away from us. We discussed some final thoughts with the director and then Jude was gone. I think that's the hardest part for parents is realizing they are letting their child go even though they don't want to. 

When your child is taken away because they have passed away you tend to stand in shock for a bit wondering what you next moves should be. Hospice had to pour out all of Jude's medications which felt violating but they were assisted by nurse Allan which made me feel a little better. I then gathered up some items and Mike and I left to go to Dallas to tell Emily. Emily was giving up her title for Miss Dallas teen and honestly there was no better place for her to be. I texted my friend Beaux and told him I was 5 minutes away when we got close to the facility. Somehow he just knew without me even saying a word and once I arrived he had Emily in a private place surrounded by a few people. Emily knew when she saw our faces but we calmly told her and I think everyone in that hallway cried. Emily chose to stay at the hotel with the pageant team and I honestly think that was the best decision. Somehow some way Emily mustered the strength to get up on that stage the next day and give up her crown. 

Jude died 4/9/2016 and Mike's birthday is 4/10. We sat in the funeral home making decision about laying Jude to rest on Mike's birthday. I remember the funeral director making a copy of our drivers license's and when he saw Mike's you could tell he was truly touched. Being in a funeral home is odd but being in one that used to be the home of your old office is even more odd.  The funeral home had bought out the office I worked at because they wanted they really wanted the building. We used Lucas funeral home which is the same company that handled my mother's funeral 36 years before. Believe it or not the lady that handled her arrangements was still with the company and remembered my family. We sat and made decisions regarding the service and let me tell you that burying someone is very expensive. We wanted to the best for Jude but people should know it's expensive, even cremation can be expensive. I highly recommend life insurance on your entire family.  I am the poster child for why people should carry it between losing my mother and losing Jude.  I remember sitting at the round table watching the funeral directors mouth move and concentrating on understanding what he was saying. It's like my brain needed extra time to process anything that was being said but somehow we got through it. I remember wondering where Jude was in the facility and realizing I probably didn't want to know. 

The next hours my friends lept into action and pulled together everything I had wanted for Jude. A friend blew up and mounted pictures, they found display stands for them, balloons, bubbles, music, readings, and more. My grandmother stopped me after Jude's service and said she was amazed at how quickly it came together and how amazing it was. That's because I had a team of people working behind the scenes. A team that realized when I was missing before the service something was very wrong. My friend Kelly found me in the bathroom in a full blown panic attack. Somehow they talked me back down and I was able to walk out into the service with my family. The church was a sea of superhero shirts and it took my breath away, even the funeral home team had Superman shirts on under their suits. I will forever be grateful for my family and friends that day. My friends who could get me to pose for this picture for Jude the day we buried him. 

The days following Jude's burial seemed to pass so quickly but the nights were excruciatingly long. Charlotte didn't show up anymore at 7:30 in the morning to relieve Candice the night nurse. I no longer answered the door disheveled and sleepy to greet her with a crooked smile. I just sat in Jude's room looking around at all his items and I knew I needed to pack. Everyone is different and although many people keep the child's room intact I for some reason had to pack his. I found a place to donate all of Jude's medical equipment to, a home for his sleep safe bed, and a home for some of his clothes. My friend Gina showed up unannounced and began helping me pack his items. She just knew what I would be doing and somehow knew to be there and she brought wine. Packing your child's belongings into a cardboard box because you have lost them to death is nothing any parent ever plans and I grieve with those that have experienced this. The nights were so quiet because Jude's loud oxygen machine was gone and so was his sweet New Orleans nurse whose laughter could fill a room. It was a loss of multiple people and almost seemed unbearable. 

One day the doorbell rang and I opened it and loudly gasped. I heard Mike come running, "What is it babe is it a Ninja??". He meant a memory that was hurting me and he was right. It was Fed Ex dropping off all of Jude's monthly supplies. I just shook my head and said " No No" as  lady jogging laughed because she thought I was kidding (it was a lot of boxes). I said, "Oh he died can you take them back" and the Fed Ex lady looked shocked. She had delivered to us for years and she began quickly grabbing the boxes and putting them back on her truck. She then grabbed Mike and hugged him hard and then Mike turned to escort me back in the house. Mike said I was in shock those following days and kept telling those who asked him how he was doing that he was just trying to get me through this. Then we all know that Mike's grief took over his heart and things changed. I am very grateful that he was there for me and he is still here today.

Picking the headstone was surreal but a little easier to handle. It was like Jude was guiding us and it was our way of memorializing his amazing life. If you are not aware it takes months to have a headstone placed and I do mean MONTHS! When it finally arrived it was like Jude's life had a spot and we had some place to visit. 

Seeing the headstone made me feel more at peace and I am not sure why. I try not to question life to much these days so I just let myself feel a little better. The months following Jude's death were not easy.  We really did everything they say you shouldn't do like change jobs and move but I have found you have to do what's best for YOU. Working was very difficult and still is at times and grief still takes over at night. We question why the world keeps turning when it no longer turns for Jude and we question our true purpose in this world but somehow we keep going. However in the end I remember his smile and how amazing he was. How through all the pain, through all the suffering, and all he endured he never lost that bright beautiful smile. 

So for his one year mark Mike and I are going away to Colorado. I thought about starting an event for everyone to do something kind for someone else on 4/9 but I didn't do anything official. So I think what I will do is change my Facebook profile picture to the below memorial candle and if you would like to join me you are welcome to. I questioned why I should just memorialize him and do something kind on 4/9.  Maybe I would ask everyone to do something kind each day for a month. I can only imagine how many lives that would affect. 

So there is my story. It's not an easy one to read but none the less it's how it happened. Losing a child or any loved one is not easy. Losing a child is unnatural and not the way life is suppose to go but it is life and it's full of a lot of crappy random chaos. So if you know someone at some point who has this happen to them be a kind, gentle, and try to have patience. A little patience goes a very long way. 

We love and miss you Ju Ju. Cannot believe it's been a year. 

One Month and A Day Away

I haven't blogged since my birthday and I am not really sure why. I have been overwhelmingly busy so maybe that's the case. I am really working hard to build my Perfectly Posh business to supplement our income. It's also a business I really enjoy and I love the products they offer. So forgive me if I am overwhelming you with posts in my group.  https://www.facebook.com/groups/Jennsperfectlypamperedpeeps

So Mike and I have decided to get away for the one year mark of Jude's death. A wonderful soul offered to donate a cabin to us in Colorado when Jude passed. It wasn't the right time but he said the offer was always there. So I recently reached back out to this person and he gladly offered his cabin for the weekend of 4/9. My friend Gina also let us use some of her stand by passes through American. They are more low cost than buying the tickets outright. I honestly just set all this up and told mike we were going. He seemed surprised and happy but a little sad as well. I think that's both how we feel about the situation. Very sad but glad to get away. We both feel like we should be at the cemetery on 4/9 but we both understand Jude will not be there. So we are shutting down social media that day and will figure out something to do in honor of Jude that will be beautiful like he was. 

Being more active is a goal we have as a couple over the next year. After this trip we will fly to West Virginia in August to watch Emily compete for Miss Teen Intl. Emily will then leave for the University of Alabama. Yes, she made her decision and although she will be so far I know she will only excel in life. 

I must admit that after losing Jude the idea of Emily going so far is a bit unnerving. We do so much together and I enjoy her company BUT this is how I raised her. I raised her with the idea that she needed to go to college and do her best to succeed in life while helping others. I am thrilled she has decided to become a nurse. We are praying BIG time for some scholarships and would love your prayers too, lol.  Then I hope that Mike and I can get away for our ten year anniversary in October. I'm growing convinced we need an RV to travel with all the animals.  I wonder if it would fit my chickens? Hehe 

I am not sure what the next year holds for Mike and myself but I do feel like something is coming. I am not sure if it's adopting, a different job, or what it is but there is something coming. I know that sounds strange but I can just feel it. 

By the way if you haven't followed Emily's piggy on twitter you might. "His" posts are hilarious, @Buddy_ThePig

If you are in the local area I will be at a book signing for The Diary Of A Baby And A Stroke on 3/22 at 6:30pm at 3 Vino in Roanoke, TX. 

Roll Tide! 

Birthday Wishes

It's my birthday. I didn't think I would wake up so sad but I did. I really have two wishes for today. 

I wish to go home and go back to sleep. I would like good uninterrupted continuous sleep. The kind of sleep that makes you feel refreshed and restored. 

I wish I could see Jude today. Since it seems neither of those things are going to happen I will settle for a picture that was taken on my birthday several years ago.