I am not sure where I am going to go with this blog but it will be raw and honest as usual. On Friday we received some news that will impact us financially. Rather than weighing out the options all I could think of was the amount was half our mortgage and began to panic. My mind wasn't working rationally. If it had been working correctly I would have realized we could find extra work or find some way to make it up. I felt a little........insane Friday. Like I was going to finally just lose my damn mind. It wasn't the news it was just an abundance of everything. On Friday I felt like since I was 7 years old life has just continuously smacked me down. I had one big huge nasty freaking pity party and I do mean nasty. I thank my husband for sitting down with me that night and talking to me. I told him I am sure I needed to listen to others and realize things could be worse. He said, "like what?" and he looked at me completely serious, it shocked me because I expected him to get on to me and tell me to lighten up. He said "out of all the horrific things you have been through in your life what could be worse then losing Jude? What could be worse than losing a child"..........then he paused.........."Nothing. You have a right to be upset."
However it's a little beyond upset. I am NOT well mentally at all and I am very well aware of that. I could see a counselor but lack health insurance however from reading my loss forums I have learned this is normal. It's just hard. That's really the only way to explain it losing someone is just hard. I think of Jude every single day and wish I could have just one more hour with him. I would give everything for him to have a normal healthy life and be here with us. I miss his nurses and our way of life even though it was difficult. Looking back this weekend was the Miss Dallas pageant and that's where we went to immediately following Jude's death to find Emily. I am sure that's what my trigger was. However it was still good to see friends and get out of the house for a bit. The house seems to be my safe haven and if anyone were to ask me what would truly help me I think I would say to be at home and just rest. Work kills me and I know I should be grateful I have a good job but I am so very tired. I just want time to properly grieve and to heal but I feel like commuting, working, and commuting back has kept me from doing that. So do I pray to have my house paid off miraculously? No. I just pray for peace and pray for those around me then I still thank God for all I have and all my blessings.
Some days are harder than others and some days I grieve okay. Now I am just hoping that going forward we don't have anymore hail, major disasters, and that we keep everyone healthy, I would be eternally grateful.