When you lose a child people have a habit of telling you how strong you are. It's not about being strong it's learning how to cope and move along with life. I am not always strong and I have said that multiple times. For example this week has been extremely stressful. I am busier than I have been at work since I was about 28 years old in the insurance industry. Our rates are great since we can write through multiple carriers and the amount of quotes coming in leave me little time to call everyone back that has servicing questions. Along with Mike's back issues and Emily's illness I was mentally and physically exhausted. Yesterday at work it was like 13 months of hell just caught up with me and I had a complete exhaustive breakdown at work. I looked around my desk piled high with work that had to be completed and I could barely lift a file. I went into my boss's office shaking and trying to keep from passing out. I muttered I had to leave and prayed I would get home. I was giving myself a panic attack on top of being exhausted because my heart felt like it was trying not to give out. That sounds dramatic but it's the only way I can describe how I felt. Like I was going over roller coaster hills and my heart would keep dropping. When I got home I took a long hot bath where I discovered an infected bug bite on my leg which could have played into the exhausted panic attack. I took a very long nap and then slept on and off throughout the night. I feel about 50% better today but I am getting there.
While at home Emily let the AC repairman in sent by my warrant company because her upstairs AC had gone out. The AC had been serviced right before we bought the property so I figured it was out of Freon or needed charging. Nope the entire system needs to be replaced along with a lot of other items they are working up a price on. However I didn't feel comfortable with this company the warranty program sent out and when I looked up their reviews they were terrible. So I called a friend that works in AC that is going to look over the estimates and possibly look at my system. I got upset at first that it was just another thing to deal with but then I realized there were other options. In addition we have a downstairs where Emily can sleep comfortably if need be until she leaves for college.
I had to put myself first yesterday and today I woke up with a bit of renewed confidence in myself. I am tired of worrying about money so I am not going to worry about it anymore. I believe God will provide. I am tired of things going wrong and worrying about a solution so I trust a solution will always be found. I am a diligent and hard worker but I learned if someone has to wait an hour for me to catch up it will be okay. I learned if I need to tell my boss I have to leave then I have to go and take care of myself.
I mentioned that I am looking forward to my time away in West Virginia to catch my breath. Mike really isn't looking forward to it and doesn't consider a pageant a break but I do and it's something I enjoy. So I am going to take this time to let myself enjoy life and recharge my batteries. T minus 2 weeks!