My cousin is an amazing writer and she also loves a great read. Today she sent me Heather Lanier's, "Waiting To Love My Child". Since I come into work early on Friday and cannot make phone calls I took a minute to read over the article. It literally took my breath away. What a profound outlook on life this woman has and she expresses perfectly what I have wanted to say. Recently I was sitting on the couch holding Jude and I was talking to him in my mom voice. He looked up me with these big bright brown eyes. He knew he was my baby and he knew I loved him with all my heart. At that moment I realized I had been really afraid to take all of Jude into me. I always loved him, but it was a moment of realizing I needed to let my fear of losing him go and just appreciate him for who he is and all he has brought us. So this quote in her writing really got to me.
" I think it’s to be brought to our knees with a love we have no choice over. To surrender to that love. To say, Yes, yes, yes, I will love whomever we find ourselves holding. Nothing seems to underscore this love more than the possibility of its loss."
Another moving part of the article was when she was pumping her gas and realized everyone around her was able bodied. I have done that. I have looked around wondering why the world keeps turning when my child is so sick. She said "I was pumping gas, and the world, including the gas station, was filled with able-bodied people, and my child was not one of them, was now slated for a swallow-study to see if she could even handle her own spit without slowly killing herself". Man I can relate even down to the swallow study!
She has had the courage to try to have another child, but I haven't. I haven't found the courage to do that because of the exact fear she had and what turned out to be the actual realization that something can go wrong again. However, when reading her article I didn't feel sorry for her or want to help her. I found her brave and inspiring. She had found her own courage and her own emotional well being to survive this issue and be the best parent to a wonderful child.
I encourage you to read the article........read it for me. It's the best piece I have ever read that is able to express what it's like and even though she doesn't know me personally I felt like she was speaking for me. http://www.salon.com/2013/05/07/waiting_to_love_my_child/
Ironically while we were in the hospital Mike was contacted by a friend who was on the same floor we were and her son had just been diagnosed with the same issue the child has in this article. As much as hearing the Holland poem now annoys me it's the first thing that went through my head. "Welcome to Holland". If you don't know the poem you can Google the title and it will pull up.
Jude is doing much better and we thank everyone for your prayers.