Grief Can Make You Mean

One thing I’ve come to understand about grief is that you don’t always recognize how it’s shaping your behavior toward others. It isn’t that you’re intentionally rude or unkind, but you may become distant or dismissive without realizing it. I don’t believe I ever meant to hurt anyone, but looking back, I can see that I wasn’t always acting with others’ best interests at heart. Grief has a way of narrowing your world until survival feels like the only priority.

I also know how overwhelming it can be to witness constant expressions of sadness on social media. I think, over time, this may have contributed to losing a few friendships during my ten years of grief. Add to that a difficult childhood, and it makes sense that grief became something deeply ingrained, almost familiar.

Menopause certainly hasn’t helped either, and it’s something women simply do not talk about enough. How many of us have sat in a doctor’s office, listening to them say our labs look “perfect,” while inside we feel absolutely miserable? There’s such a disconnect between what we’re told and what we actually experience. Sometimes it feels like we’re pleading with medical professionals just to help us feel normal again. Combine menopause with grief, and suddenly you’ve got a very grumpy older lady trying to hold it all together.

I’ve watched some friends quietly fade away over the years, especially online, and I want to say this: if I ever hurt you, it was never intentional. Grief changes you in ways you don’t always recognize while you’re in it.

Jude has played such a meaningful role in this recent awakening, and I’m incredibly thankful for him, and for God, for carrying me through. Lately, I’ve felt an overwhelming sense of peace. After losing you, I think I drifted into a kind of agnosticism. I wasn’t sure what came after death, but I believed something was there. Yesterday, as I looked out over the pure white snow lining our pasture, I felt my faith fully restored. I knew with certainty that Jude and all those I’ve lost before me will be there when my time comes. And I know it will be a joyful reunion.

Until then, I’m looking forward to the days ahead, watching my daughter grow, seeing her wed, and one day enjoying my grandchildren.

We’ve also been incredibly busy lately, and we now have a contract on our house. We truly believe Jude brought us here so we could grieve in the most peaceful and perfect way possible. And now, we feel ready to move on, to start a new chapter somewhere else. We will never be “over” his loss, but we are learning how to carry it in a more spiritually awakened way.