It's been a long year and one that's been filled with a lot of stress and heartache. However throughout that heartache I have always tried to find the positive in each situation. I believe it's up to us as individuals to find the road that leads to the most positive outcome. It may take me a few days to find the silver lining but I eventually tackle the problem that lies ahead and find my way to a better attitude. Today I am rather disheartened and I know it's because I am close to Jude' one year but I am also aggravated. Yesterday I kept complaining that I was having sharp pains in the left side of my chest above my heart. I have had these before and I am fairly medically educated due to Jude and know sharp pains when resting don't normally signify anything to worry about. However they lasted throughout the day and at night they became increasingly worse. About 2 am I got up and went to take a hot bath and took some medication to make myself feel better. I am SURE what happened is I was having some muscle issues and scared myself into an anxiety attack. Anyway, I calmed myself down and finally went to sleep. We women have a way of worrying ourselves silly.
However just to err on the side of caution I did decide to go see the doctor today when the issues persisted. The doctor did an EKG and when I saw her scanning the computer for awhile I felt like I was back in the hospital with Jude. Sigh "What?" I asked point blank. She told me my EKG was abnormal. "Well of COURSE it is!" I said, "You know 2016 wasn't great and 2017 is really beginning to irritate me." She knew I was serious but being light hearted so she asked me a battery of questions and explained the EKG showed something about abnormal artery flow. So here is the run down. Three things were mentioned a build up of plaque, stress, or lupus. So the doctor ordered a calcium test and passed me along to the other side of the office. Once completed the nurse said my heart and valves show ZERO plaque build up and look great for my age (yay me). Then she talked to me about stress and was super sweet. She acknowledged our family has had an unusual amount of high stress issues and that what they see in women is that women are strong and hold up great during the actual stressful situation. However then they see the woman's body start to fall apart and it's their job to not let that happen. She said "One day a woman looks around wondering how she wound up in the hospital when she was perfectly fine. It just takes a toll." The third option discussed was Lupus. I have MANY of the symptoms relating to this disease and it's a high probability. It could even relate all the way back to the blood clotting issue I had with Jude. However it takes batteries of tests to diagnose this and I am not even sure I would want to go through that to have a label on something. I remember Jude's doctor once telling me when I asked him if Jude had Lennox Gestaut that he didn't like labels. He said "Jude has seizures and no matter what label you put on it he has them." Could it help knowing? Maybe. It helps my friend but I think I will just continue to try to live a healthy life. I am increasing my walking each night and the doctor told me if I ever get winded then that's when it gets serious and that's when we have a big issue.
I felt aggravated today more than concerned and if something did happen to me someday then I will be with Jude. I was however very frustrated with work, Jude's loss, and just being a woman (ha), all the claims, and my claim are taxing. It seems like there aren't enough ours in the day to get everything done from working and taking care of the home. Is it really possible for women to reduce the amount of stress they have because for me it's not the big things it's all the little things that add up. Today I went Office Space on the printer while my co-worker just looked on. That darn printer had it coming!
I don't need anyone concerned or worried I am fine. I am just venting and fielding more texts or calls would just increase my anxiety but it's nice to get it off my chest. So why put this on a blog, because it's just like Jude and it helps me spread informational items at once. It's all good. I still live in a beautiful all be it damaged but beautiful home. I have my family and my animals and they all make me happy. I have FAITH that eventually my life will calm down and I am saying that in Jesus Name!
Well I am writing again but it's not without cause. Our Colorado trip has been cancelled and let me explain why. I know I have a lot of out of state and out of country readers so I am hoping I can convey what happened in a manner that you can actually understand what it's like to live in an area prone to tornado's and hail. On Sunday we had heard the possibility of some severe storms in our area. We always pay attention but Texas weather can change rapidly so we went about our day as usual. Around 7pm Emily said she needed gas in her car for the following day to get to school and I needed to run to the store for dog food. We all made a plan to head quickly to our destinations and get back before the storm hit. Emily texted us that she had gotten her gas but she had locked herself out of the house. Just then our phones blared a loud high pitch squeal alerting us there was a possible tornado forming in our area. There was not a drop of rain yet but the sky was becoming black and lightning raced across it in multiple spidery patterns. Emily texted, "Mom where are you?" and I assured her we were close.
Once at the house we raced into the driveway, threw our cars in park, and ran into the house. We instructed Emily to clean out the closet under the stairs because it would be the best place for she and the animals. I also told her that we sat at the bottom of a hill so that is actually a good thing when dealing with tornado's because tornado's do not dip down. I guess I was just trying to make her feel better ........because I knew this could be serious. I have been in tornado's before and they are not fun at all. So Emily took shelter and Mike and I watched the TV.
Mike who is always level headed in storms looked at the TV and calmly looked at me and said, "It's making a Bee line for us. You need to take cover."
I went into the closet with Emily and tried to secure the door that wasn't latching properly. Mike went into another closet with our smallest dog. We waited about thirty seconds and then all hell broke loose. I mean it might as well have been Kurt Russell sitting on top of my house screaming.
Emily had started recording but quickly realized that storms can turn deadly and she started screaming. It wasn't a tornado it was hail the size of baseballs and softballs pounding our house. It sounded like the walls would begin to fall apart at their seams and the roof would come in at any time. I calmly grabbed Emily's arm and began to pray and assured her God would not leave us. I told her he loves us, he has plans for us, and everything would be okay. This sounds dramatic but you have to remember we were under the impression a tornado was about to be almost on top of us. Then the sound started to taper off and I emerged from the closet instructing Emily to stay put. Once we had the all clear everyone came out and we began inspecting what damage we could in the dark. It was a lot.
We have 7 broken windows including the sky light. I thought it was 8 but it's actually only 7......only 7, lol. Our roof and gutters are totaled, the metal frames around the windows are totaled, we have holes through our cement fiber siding, the cars are a mess, and more! The hail velocity was so strong that it ripped bark from my trees, shredded our lights hanging on our house, and softball size white marks on my driveway (click on the blue car pictures above and you can see the marks on the driveway). However you know what? We are alive. We did not emerge to find the roof missing, a tornado did not hit us, we are okay, and all our animals are accounted for! I have a great insurance agent (me) so I know my coverage is superior. My roof is tarped, we are in rental cars, and in time everything will be fixed. However we did have to cancel our trip. This will affect us financially due to deductibles and I am not leaving Emily in a house in this condition.
I know some people are wondering why we cannot catch a break and that did cross my mind. However I plan on looking at this like we did catch a break. I have been in situations where that horrible hail hits and then it gets quiet.........deathly quiet, the temperature changes, and that nightmarish train whistle starts and you know a tornado is about to hit. So we are lucky! Maybe there is a reason we weren't suppose to go to Colorado and God was looking after us. I believe the below pictures is a testament to Sunday night. This is a stained glass piece my grandfather made. I have it in my sunroom so I can watch the light reflect off of it. Directly behind it was this massive hole from a large piece of hail that ripped through the screen and the window. Somehow it didn't touch the stained glass.
Small miracles happen everywhere. The adjuster says the company has thousands of losses but she only has about 50 homes as bad as ours and they are waiting until the next two storms over the next two days pass before they make a final calculations and start repairs. So some prayers we make it through these storms would be great. Also I have had a few sweet people calling saying "I know you are overwhelmed but....." for the first time I am 100% overwhelmed so there are not but's. We probably have $40,000 in damage or more, all three vehicles are damaged, Jude's 1 year is approaching, and I have more that I won't go into. So I might need a little understanding and some patience. Also for those not in the insurance industry this is what is called a major catastrophic storm. That means they bring in CAT adjusters and this WILL cause rates to eventually increase so I personally always prepare ahead. I add a little to my escrow each month and I am not surprised when I see a slight rate increase in my premiums. It's the cost of living in TX.
So we will spend Jude's weekend here but we will find a way to celebrate his life next Sunday.
This is going to be a hard blog to write and I will forewarn you that some of you may not want to read it. I will leave the decision up to you if you want to move forward and read the entire post. This will probably be my last entry until after Jude's one year angelversary. It's hard to grasp the loss of a child for the family suffering the tragedy and even for those hearing about the loss. It makes people question their own mortality and their child's mortality which is nothing anyone wants to think about. Often times the response to Jude's loss is, "I cannot even imagine." Of course you can't and I don't ever want you to be in my shoes. However I do think it's important for people to truly understand how devastating it is so they can appreciate their lives and have empathy for anyone traveling this road in the future. So with that I am going to recount losing Jude. What it's really like when someone passes away. Maybe this is therapy for me, I am not sure but I feel compelled to write about it. I have mentioned I am a member of a loss forum and the comments from others make me believe that some people just don't truly comprehend how devastated these parents are. Many of the parents are pushed back to work, they have their losses compared to the loss of someone's pet, and some are accused of just seeking attention and sympathy. I luckily have encountered none of these except the pet comparison. I love my pets very much. We all know I basically have a zoo but they are not Jude and never will be. So maybe this will shed a little light on what it's like and it will help someone in the future.
So here we go. I knew Jude was on hospice and we know what hospice means but for some reason I don't think I really ever comprehended that Jude in fact was going to die. Jude had a way of always bouncing back and he could literally be knocking at death's door only to be smiling a few minutes later. So the 48 hours of his demise was a whirlwind of shock. If you have bought my book you see there are two entries on 4/7/2016. I went to work that morning frustrated and tired. We had issues with Jude's feeding tube that week and I also felt like he was getting pneumonia again. He was tired, cranky, and crying but Jude had been through multiple bouts of pneumonia. I blogged that hospice was setting him up on a pain management schedule. Looking back I realize that they were setting Jude up on a schedule to pass peacefully. There were no antibiotics that time there was only Morphine and as a mom I just didn't comprehend what was happening. My next entry on 4/7/2016 was that Jude had taken a rapid turn for the worse. I knew this because hospice had called me at work and told me they thought it was time and I needed to come home. I melted into a bundle of tears when they called me but I quickly grabbed my purse and headed out the door towards home. So here is the hard part, Jude did not die peacefully. Jude's night was horrible, loud, and I was literally praying to God for him to take him. I will never forget the sound of his breathing because it is etched into my mind and although I prefer to think of Jude's smile the thought of that last night sneaks up at times. It was something a parent should never hear and should never live through. It took several counseling visits and Xanex to deal with.
When Jude drew his last breath I stood there a bit in disbelief but then something took over. I am not sure if it's because I am a mom, a business person, or if it was just motions but I lept into action. I called nurse Charlotte who came over and helped me bathe Jude and fix his hair. I called the funeral home and told them I needed them to come to the house. I then called an artist to ask him to custom make Jude a Superman casket. I texted my family and asked them to keep everything private until I could get to Emily and I sent Mike to the store to get Superman pajamas. When the funeral director arrived they were amazingly kind and moved at the pace we needed them to. By then both sets of Jude's grandparents had arrived and they were waiting with us. They didn't take Jude until we were ready for them to and it was almost like a peaceful parade of people following Jude out to the the van they arrived in. Mike even helped roll Jude out and load him to be taken away from us. We discussed some final thoughts with the director and then Jude was gone. I think that's the hardest part for parents is realizing they are letting their child go even though they don't want to.
When your child is taken away because they have passed away you tend to stand in shock for a bit wondering what you next moves should be. Hospice had to pour out all of Jude's medications which felt violating but they were assisted by nurse Allan which made me feel a little better. I then gathered up some items and Mike and I left to go to Dallas to tell Emily. Emily was giving up her title for Miss Dallas teen and honestly there was no better place for her to be. I texted my friend Beaux and told him I was 5 minutes away when we got close to the facility. Somehow he just knew without me even saying a word and once I arrived he had Emily in a private place surrounded by a few people. Emily knew when she saw our faces but we calmly told her and I think everyone in that hallway cried. Emily chose to stay at the hotel with the pageant team and I honestly think that was the best decision. Somehow some way Emily mustered the strength to get up on that stage the next day and give up her crown.
Jude died 4/9/2016 and Mike's birthday is 4/10. We sat in the funeral home making decision about laying Jude to rest on Mike's birthday. I remember the funeral director making a copy of our drivers license's and when he saw Mike's you could tell he was truly touched. Being in a funeral home is odd but being in one that used to be the home of your old office is even more odd. The funeral home had bought out the office I worked at because they wanted they really wanted the building. We used Lucas funeral home which is the same company that handled my mother's funeral 36 years before. Believe it or not the lady that handled her arrangements was still with the company and remembered my family. We sat and made decisions regarding the service and let me tell you that burying someone is very expensive. We wanted to the best for Jude but people should know it's expensive, even cremation can be expensive. I highly recommend life insurance on your entire family. I am the poster child for why people should carry it between losing my mother and losing Jude. I remember sitting at the round table watching the funeral directors mouth move and concentrating on understanding what he was saying. It's like my brain needed extra time to process anything that was being said but somehow we got through it. I remember wondering where Jude was in the facility and realizing I probably didn't want to know.
The next hours my friends lept into action and pulled together everything I had wanted for Jude. A friend blew up and mounted pictures, they found display stands for them, balloons, bubbles, music, readings, and more. My grandmother stopped me after Jude's service and said she was amazed at how quickly it came together and how amazing it was. That's because I had a team of people working behind the scenes. A team that realized when I was missing before the service something was very wrong. My friend Kelly found me in the bathroom in a full blown panic attack. Somehow they talked me back down and I was able to walk out into the service with my family. The church was a sea of superhero shirts and it took my breath away, even the funeral home team had Superman shirts on under their suits. I will forever be grateful for my family and friends that day. My friends who could get me to pose for this picture for Jude the day we buried him.
The days following Jude's burial seemed to pass so quickly but the nights were excruciatingly long. Charlotte didn't show up anymore at 7:30 in the morning to relieve Candice the night nurse. I no longer answered the door disheveled and sleepy to greet her with a crooked smile. I just sat in Jude's room looking around at all his items and I knew I needed to pack. Everyone is different and although many people keep the child's room intact I for some reason had to pack his. I found a place to donate all of Jude's medical equipment to, a home for his sleep safe bed, and a home for some of his clothes. My friend Gina showed up unannounced and began helping me pack his items. She just knew what I would be doing and somehow knew to be there and she brought wine. Packing your child's belongings into a cardboard box because you have lost them to death is nothing any parent ever plans and I grieve with those that have experienced this. The nights were so quiet because Jude's loud oxygen machine was gone and so was his sweet New Orleans nurse whose laughter could fill a room. It was a loss of multiple people and almost seemed unbearable.
One day the doorbell rang and I opened it and loudly gasped. I heard Mike come running, "What is it babe is it a Ninja??". He meant a memory that was hurting me and he was right. It was Fed Ex dropping off all of Jude's monthly supplies. I just shook my head and said " No No" as lady jogging laughed because she thought I was kidding (it was a lot of boxes). I said, "Oh he died can you take them back" and the Fed Ex lady looked shocked. She had delivered to us for years and she began quickly grabbing the boxes and putting them back on her truck. She then grabbed Mike and hugged him hard and then Mike turned to escort me back in the house. Mike said I was in shock those following days and kept telling those who asked him how he was doing that he was just trying to get me through this. Then we all know that Mike's grief took over his heart and things changed. I am very grateful that he was there for me and he is still here today.
Picking the headstone was surreal but a little easier to handle. It was like Jude was guiding us and it was our way of memorializing his amazing life. If you are not aware it takes months to have a headstone placed and I do mean MONTHS! When it finally arrived it was like Jude's life had a spot and we had some place to visit.
Seeing the headstone made me feel more at peace and I am not sure why. I try not to question life to much these days so I just let myself feel a little better. The months following Jude's death were not easy. We really did everything they say you shouldn't do like change jobs and move but I have found you have to do what's best for YOU. Working was very difficult and still is at times and grief still takes over at night. We question why the world keeps turning when it no longer turns for Jude and we question our true purpose in this world but somehow we keep going. However in the end I remember his smile and how amazing he was. How through all the pain, through all the suffering, and all he endured he never lost that bright beautiful smile.
So for his one year mark Mike and I are going away to Colorado. I thought about starting an event for everyone to do something kind for someone else on 4/9 but I didn't do anything official. So I think what I will do is change my Facebook profile picture to the below memorial candle and if you would like to join me you are welcome to. I questioned why I should just memorialize him and do something kind on 4/9. Maybe I would ask everyone to do something kind each day for a month. I can only imagine how many lives that would affect.
So there is my story. It's not an easy one to read but none the less it's how it happened. Losing a child or any loved one is not easy. Losing a child is unnatural and not the way life is suppose to go but it is life and it's full of a lot of crappy random chaos. So if you know someone at some point who has this happen to them be a kind, gentle, and try to have patience. A little patience goes a very long way.
We love and miss you Ju Ju. Cannot believe it's been a year.
I haven't blogged since my birthday and I am not really sure why. I have been overwhelmingly busy so maybe that's the case. I am really working hard to build my Perfectly Posh business to supplement our income. It's also a business I really enjoy and I love the products they offer. So forgive me if I am overwhelming you with posts in my group. https://www.facebook.com/groups/Jennsperfectlypamperedpeeps
So Mike and I have decided to get away for the one year mark of Jude's death. A wonderful soul offered to donate a cabin to us in Colorado when Jude passed. It wasn't the right time but he said the offer was always there. So I recently reached back out to this person and he gladly offered his cabin for the weekend of 4/9. My friend Gina also let us use some of her stand by passes through American. They are more low cost than buying the tickets outright. I honestly just set all this up and told mike we were going. He seemed surprised and happy but a little sad as well. I think that's both how we feel about the situation. Very sad but glad to get away. We both feel like we should be at the cemetery on 4/9 but we both understand Jude will not be there. So we are shutting down social media that day and will figure out something to do in honor of Jude that will be beautiful like he was.
Being more active is a goal we have as a couple over the next year. After this trip we will fly to West Virginia in August to watch Emily compete for Miss Teen Intl. Emily will then leave for the University of Alabama. Yes, she made her decision and although she will be so far I know she will only excel in life.
I must admit that after losing Jude the idea of Emily going so far is a bit unnerving. We do so much together and I enjoy her company BUT this is how I raised her. I raised her with the idea that she needed to go to college and do her best to succeed in life while helping others. I am thrilled she has decided to become a nurse. We are praying BIG time for some scholarships and would love your prayers too, lol. Then I hope that Mike and I can get away for our ten year anniversary in October. I'm growing convinced we need an RV to travel with all the animals. I wonder if it would fit my chickens? Hehe
I am not sure what the next year holds for Mike and myself but I do feel like something is coming. I am not sure if it's adopting, a different job, or what it is but there is something coming. I know that sounds strange but I can just feel it.
By the way if you haven't followed Emily's piggy on twitter you might. "His" posts are hilarious, @Buddy_ThePig
If you are in the local area I will be at a book signing for The Diary Of A Baby And A Stroke on 3/22 at 6:30pm at 3 Vino in Roanoke, TX.
Roll Tide!
