Monday, April 25, 2022

A Hard Blog To Write. Hello Blogger!

It's been almost a year since I posted anything. Reading back over my last post I agree that I am definitely not the person I used to be. The pandemic has given me an excuse to escape deep into my grief for Jude. I don't think I ever allowed myself time to fully engulf in what actually happened to my child until the world shutdown. It's rather amazing to me it took the entire world shutting down for me to shutdown. I guess that wouldn't surprise some people; trust me that I laughed when I typed that sentence. I know there are several of you saying, well duh. About two weeks ago I woke up and decided it was time to make a huge change in my life. I didn't feel well at all. I was tired, weak, nauseated, and overall didn't feel like myself. My work life was thriving but inside I was crumbling.

I realized I missed who I was since I was an innocent 7 year old girl. Not just before Jude's crises but the girl I was before anyone harmed me or destroyed my sense of love and hope in the world. I decided it was time to get healthy and find some sort of inner peace within myself. So I set some attainable goals. I would replace wine with a more positive coping mechanism, I would book a therapist, I would eat healthy, and I would get the hell out of this house! I have been doing all of this! My food is now for energy, any alcoholic drinks are extremely limited, and my walks started slowly but they started. Today I am proud to report I reached 2.5 miles with my previous pre-pandemic walking being 3 miles per night. Only .5 more to go and then I will add more! 

I met with the therapist today and we talked in detail about many aspects of my life. Most of what we chatted about is private but I don't mind sharing the overall picture. When I ran down my life synopsis in 3 minutes I think she was rather stunned as she sat there genuinely consumed in my emotions. Words like victim of child rape, loss of my child, loss of my mother, loss of my family, and more ran circles around the room. She eventually said, "I don't think wine is bad thing", lol! I said, "No but for now it's not for me." We talked about my new coping mechanisms and I explained I have always loved walking. I told her I have taken up diamond painting which I adore and that I love to be busy. I explained that I might become emotionally overwhelmed but I am very good at being overwhelmed in a business aspect. That I thrive at competition, sales, and entertaining others. 

Then through further conversation I discovered something that was incredibly enlightening and freeing for me. I no longer needed any acknowledgement by myself or others regarding what happened to me in my childhood or my past. It is what it is and I am moving on. I didn't need to recover any untold memories or trauma.  I recognized what happened to Jude was horrible but we did our very best to care for him and love him. I realized that because because Jude wasn't here I had been feeling like I shouldn't be here either. I also realized I have always tried to love myself big or small and embrace who I am as a whole but I was not really accepting myself for me. So I love my family enough to try to drag myself out of the very weight of an incredibly heavy burden like losing someone you are responsible for. 

So as mentioned I went on a walk tonight. I drove up to the trails in Lantana, parked my car, and began the trek down the overwhelmingly beautiful paths! I am not a huge neighborhood person but I do contribute financially to this fantastic area. We actually just put an offer on some land in Poolville and thought it was accepted until they raised their earnest money request, ugh. Hopefully that gets rectified but until that happens I am perfectly happy walking these happy trails. I think something in this dreamy universe drew me to this specific area tonight. I walked through the trails watching the birds, trees, hawks, bunnies, and more taking every second of it in. So if you live in Lantana just know I have only walked 1.25 of your trail before I had to turn back and walk the 1.25 miles back. However, your cute signs, gnome village, birdhouses, and more throughout the route made me smile. I needed this walk and I soaked in every single second. I thought to myself that this is okay; it's okay I am happy again. Jude would want me happy. Jude would want me to walk like we did together when he was here. Jude would want my guilt to go away. Jude would want me to laugh at the cute little Gnome village because he would have helped me make it if he was here. 

At one point I stopped at a scenic resting point with tears streaming down my face but they were much needed tears. I laughed because I knew the people passing me were probably thinking, what the hell is wrong with her, lol! One girl though just smiled as big as she could and nodded. That's all I needed just a nod. I packed up my stuff and headed home knowing I would be back the next day to see what gnome treasures wait for me on the other side of the path. So as I close this blog which is another much needed new coping mechanism I invite you back to my writing journey. 
I have shared these song lyrics before. They used to be sad to me but now they're inspirational. You might look up the actual song, "She Used To Be Mine" by Sarah Bareilles. 

 It's not simple to say

Most days I don't recognize me

These shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave 'em
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention sweet center
I still remember that girl
She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine
It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew
Who be reckless just enough
Who can hurt but
Who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised
And gets used by a man who can't love
And then she'll get stuck and be scared
Of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day
'Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone but it used to be mine
Used to be mine
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

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