I keep getting that question and I know people mean well but I wonder if they really want to hear the answer. I reply " I am good if I am out busy." However I normally don't add that I am NOT good if I am sitting at home, if it's night time, or if I am working. Work is the hardest and it's taking a HUGE toll on me emotionally. I am doing my best and servicing my customers but I honestly feel today that I am not sure I can do this. Then I remind myself that I have to for my family. I am also having terrible nightmares which I have been told is normal but still scary. No I don't want to take sleeping pills so please don't suggest them.
I feel like someone has reached inside my body and pulled every single nerve ending through my skin and left everything on the outside. That's how I feel. That's the best description I can give and since I have always been raw and open on this blog I figured I should continue that. Every single part of my body hurts and I just want to see Jude's smile again. I know I have pictures and his smile in my memories but I want to walk through the door and cuddle Jude like I normally would. I miss his nurses too.
Hearing people happy or making plans grates on my nerves which is not what Jude would want but again how I feel. I don't want to hear complaints because everything you could possibly say seems extremely minimal to me right now. I wanted to start eating right and working out today but I have no desire anymore so I will just walk the dog.
Grief is dark and it's sad and I hate it. I don't want to ever experience it again. I have traveled this road before but again not with a child. I have lost my mother, grandparents, a boyfriend, friends, but this............this one a child.......... trust me it's SO much worse. I pray every night and let God know that I don't want to lose Mike or Emily. I hope he listens to me.
It takes time.
Just time.
dont slide into a depression it can come up on you quicky aslo talking to a grief doctor might comfort you its going to be hard and long road!
ReplyDeleteI am seeing someone. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteAfter Dad died (by his own hand) it was very difficult to not tell people that "I'm fine, you effing a*****e." So, I would alternate with "hanging in there" or "I'm having a hard time." Or I would flat out tell people that I just didn't want to talk about it now and "maybe later, but thanks."
ReplyDelete(Did I mention...? I was a real robot at the funeral...like a Stepford Wife robot with this weird plastic smile on my face. Afterwards, and even now, I don't deny myself from being a mess...I will have an ugly cry in public, if I have to!)
I am not religious, but GriefShare did help me a lot. It was structured, and that's what I wanted. (You know us insurance people...we like procedures. haha) You meet with a group and follow along with a workbook, videos, and discussion. I've made life-long friends, too.
They also have a structured daily email, too: http://dailies.griefshare.org/