Saturday, November 29, 2008

Saturday

Jude seems to be doing better, and I am so grateful for that. He is back to his smiley self!!! He is eating like crazy again, and I am sighing with relief!! I have so much to blog about, but I am afraid I cannot right now because this baby feels better, and wants to be held or played with 100% of the time. He doesn't want to fall asleep because "he might miss something" so he is aggravated because he is so tired. Mothers will understand the old pacifier trick where they start closing their eyes when you put it in their mouth, but suddenly they SPIT it out full force. Then you put it back in and they start slowly drifting off to sleep then BAM they spit it out, and the cycle starts again!!! Since he is eating I don't mind, but I am getting to that point that you are wanting to reach for a large box of Calgon. I am pretty sure there is a box with my name written on it. I also made the mistake of giving my husband his Christmas present early and therefore he is lost in PS3 world until some time in February :). So I am left alone downstairs wanting to jump in a very hot bath since 3:30pm. Is it to early to throw the white flag??

I have so much to blog about, but since it's so detailed I decided to wait until Monday when I will have a few minutes of non mommy time. Until that ..... anticipated (ha) moment here is a pic of Jude on his first Thanksgiving. Next year I just hope he can enjoy chomping on the turkey too! I have a lot to blog on from the prayer at Thanksgiving night, to relatives, and those relatives not being here, and more! I am afraid I might take up the whole page. :) We have a lot to be thankful for, and I am just happy things are looking brighter!! As positive as one tries to be when Eeyores cloud follows you around you cannot help but get down a bit. Sooooooooooo I am thrilled we found some sunshine!

Here is Juders! Still a bit under the weather, but getting there
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Thursday, November 27, 2008

A lack of eating

Jude is reverting back to not eating again today. He had 1 ounce about 6am, and 4 ounces at 9. It's now 2pm and he hasn't eaten since. It's just not normal for him. Also, at 6 I tried to feed him, and he got VERY upset again. He also started wheezing and I am not sure what that is from. We have had some smiley moments today, and he has also slept a lot so maybe he is ok?!?1. My mothers instinct though tells me I need to skip the pediatrician and take him into the neurology center. I am not panicked yet or jumping the gun I will just monitor him. He hasn't eaten normal now for awhile so something is up. I will keep you guys posted. Maybe its just a normal colic issue??? I am going to watch him over the holiday weekend, and then decide if I should proceed to the dr. Please have a great Thanksgiving and remember how blessed your life is.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Update

Well Jude seems to finally be doing much better. He still has one or two crying screaming tantrums a day, but he is eating again! He had two six ounce bottles this morning which made me sigh with relief. As stated before in Jude's case if he stops sucking on a bottle it could mean he has forgotten how to suck. Lot's of kids with microcephaly have to eat through other means because they cannot eat through their mouths. Although, I am becoming more and more convinced Jude will not suffer from microcephaly. I called the neurosurgeons office today just to tell them what has been happening with Jude. I asked them specifically what symptoms are associated with a child that has forgotten to eat. She explained them to me. She then tracked Jude's new head measurement and said they would classify him as continuing to stay at the 5th percentile. I told her I had the 3rd, and she stated it was really the 5th. So as long as he follows that curve he is good! She also stated that DR Roberts had written that Jude has swelling in the lateral ventricles and a POSSIBLE fluid pocket. She said he hadn't even mentioned that he was looking for microcephaly. She also stated what we had heard a long time ago from Dr Twickler that this was a "rare" issue. Although, she also said that even though it's rare they have a lot of patients with this issue because DR Roberts is such an expert with them. I then asked her if it turns out this is the issue and NOT microcephaly does he have a chance of being normal. She said they simply go in and drain the fluid and most of the kids are normal and healthy. My understanding was that the fluid was filling in places the brain did not develop so this was confusing to me. She explained that the fluid can put pressure on other parts of the brain so regardless of brain growth it needs to be drained. So we have to wait until 12/19 and the we are going to have the MRI for sure. She said even if he checks out just fine they will want a definitive picture. Anyway, so please some prayers that Jude continues to eat ok and stays healthy. Oh and Em has still been the BIGGEST help with him. You should see the way Jude looks at her. It's like her knows she is a kid too. Here is their pic together. They are my sunshines, my reason for surviving, and my loves!
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Ps. Sarah come home I miss your calls! ha ha.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Tuesday

Jude seemed a bit better today, but still cranky at times. He is also still not eating to his full potential. So I did go ahead and take him to the sitter, but I went over there on lunch to see him. He had one of his fits while I was there when I was trying to feed him. So I decided that Jenn PhD was going to come out and take charge! I gave him 1/4 tsp of Mylanta and asked Mike's mom to wait and then feed him. I called back and hour later and he was fine. Soooooo, I told her before each feeding give him the mylanta. I then called the dr just to make sure I had the dosage right, and sure enough they said it would be fine. They even suggested giving it after the feeding if he needed it. I really think this will make a huge difference. I also started charting his head growth on charts I found. I was told he slipped from the 25th percentile to the 5th at his two month check up. I am not showing that! I am showing he has held steady at the 3% mark. So his head is small, but still tracking on the curve the way it should. We go see the Neurosurgeon 12/19 and we will receive another evaluation. They will then determine the need for the MRI. I have noticed Jude is using his hands a bit more so I think he is discovering they are there. He puts them near his mouth, clasps them together, etc. Em went with Jude today to help watch him, and she has done wonderful. She text me pic earlier telling me they were watching Peter Pan together.
SOOOO, everything else is going pretty well. I am still tired from the driving each day, but that should be alleviated soon when Mike gets a truck. I still worry over the med bills, but I figure the hospital is happy to get any money in our economy. I am also enjoying my job again even though I am really not wanting to call renewals today. So I put them aside and decided to do them tomorrow so I will not cheat and do them properly (ha). I am looking forward to a long holiday weekend.
Everyone stay safe!

Monday, November 24, 2008

A sick little Juders

Well my baby is sick, and I feel horrible for him!!! Friday he started being a bit colicky and having bouts of crying fits. Those are always fun when they last for hours, and you just cannot find anything to console them with. We were a bit concerned, but really thought it was just the acid reflux he was dealing with again. We could hear the tiny hiccup inside, and then Jude would scream, and scream. So we had the wedding we were going to on Saturday, and then I had plans to go out. It seemed Jude was going to be ok so we proceeded with our plans. We received a report from his grandmother that while we were away at the wedding he was wonderful. So we marched off home so I could get ready to go out with my girlfriends for a rare girls night out treat. I primped, and changed my clothes several items to try to make my still pregnant booty look smaller! My best friend of years and years Ginger showed up at my house in her cute little page boy hat all smiles and ready to go. Jude was sleeping, Emily was sleeping, and I was out the door! We talked up a storm on the way to our little hole in the wall meeting place. She is the friend that girls have that you may not talk to for months, but you will pick up exactly where you left off before. We were going to see my friends Rod and Gina who were in town for work. My other best friend of years Kelly was coming to meet us there too. Even my old friend Roy er um Billy who holds a highly respective job, but loves to just be himself was coming to see us. I have to admire people that stick to their true selves! In other words it was going to be the perfect laid back night! A little while into our night we enjoy some music, a glass of wine, we poked fun of the singer on stage who seemed to be stuck in 1972, and the lady dancing with hair higher than mine in 1988! Then BAM I get hit by mac truck running through my phone.... ring ring ring. I pick up and CODE GOAT CODE GOAT!!! The baby is screaming so loud that I can barely hear Mike. Mike is so frustrated and it is clearly shown through his tone "The baby has been screaming since you left and nothing is comforting him I don't know what to do". At first I was angered that he is bothering me on my one night out! I mean I deal with a crying baby all the time right? Then I realize Jude just really isn't right. So I told Mike to give him some mylanta on top of his prescription, and I would call him back in ten minutes. At that point my friends and I had decided the star struck 70's singer was just to much for us so we moved outside. We then discussed going across the street to a quieter restaurant who just so happened to have a Beatles cover band playing. You cannot ask for much more than good friends, The Beatles, and a glass of wine! So as promised I then called Mike back to see if the medicine had worked. I thought that surely the mylanta would calm him down, and I could stay a little bit longer with my friends. When Mike ansered the Code Goat was now a major Code goat with the serious machine gun cry mixed in. I looked at my friends, and lowered my head then said I had to go home. They all gave me hugs, and said they understood , but I still felt terrible. My friend Ginger had driven all the we from Aubrey to see me. Since Ginger had driven us Kel was nice enough to loan me her car to drive home. On the way to my house I got a text from Kel "They were playing Hey Jude as we walked in". I just laughed and proceeded home in the dark wondering if Jude was ok. My mind raced with the words implanted in my brain that digestive issues can be a sign of microcephaly. I got home to a frustrated husband, a wailing baby, and a little girl who can obviously sleep through a tornado because she hadn't moved!!! I held and comforted Jude, and gave him some Tylenol. I got him to eat about 4 ounces, and he then fell asleep on my chest. He slept until about 12:30 and then stayed up until 4:30 screaming. About that time I decided momma needed some sleep so I laid him on Mike's arm where he snuggled in for a snooze until about 8:30.

Today he is still screaming and choking because he has such a stuffy nose. Our scariest moment was giving him his medicine and he choked so bad he stopped breathing!!! I was screaming "THE BABY ISN'T BREATHING MAKE HIM BREATH!!!!" crying!!!! Mike calmly took him and hit him on the back hard and he started breathing again. So GEES! So since Mike is now running his painting business, and has good trustworthy guys working for him he has more freedom to stay home. So he drove me to work (since I have the baby car), dropped me off, drove home, then came back to take him to the doctor, and then is coming back again to pick me up from work. So he gets daddy points today! So the doctor report.....The good news is Jude's head grew to 15 inches which is still a little behind, but still growth! He has gained 7 ounces, and she said he looks very healthy. He has a bit of a cold, but that could have been caused by the acid reflux backing up into his nasal passages. So basically his diagnoses is his has REALLY bad acid reflux. So the doctor changed his formula again, we have to use saline spray, and suck his nose out. We were also instructed to use some rice in his milk to help keep the fluid down more. So it's been a nightmare of a weekend, but hopefully Jude will be back to his old self again soon! Sarah said she feels for him because everything has gone wrong. I told her that actually Em didn't have any issues when she was born but was sick for the first 6 months. She had 7 ear infections within 6 months, and had acid reflux so bad she was on 2 medicines each time she ate. Luckily she grew out of all that and is a healthy little girl, but talk about missing work! I haven't missed a day yet just for Jude being sick. With Em it was constant.
Well good luck with your week everyone. I have been dieting my tail off and now it seems that darn Turkey is waiting to pounce on me when I walk around the corner!

Em helping her sick baby brother:
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Friday, November 21, 2008

contemplative

Last night as I sat on the couch holding Jude we both just stared at each other. He is reaching that point where a baby really studies you. They also begin to realize their is a baby in the mirror when they pass one, and suddenly jerk their still wobbly head around to look. He is becoming aware of everything it seems....the kitty can testify to that since she is minus 2 whiskers. So I looked at Jude, and he looked at me and I got a huge smile from him! It melted my heart and I realized for the first time that I was breathing easier. My worries, trauma, and crises mode seemed to be drifting away. Maybe it's an acceptance of whatever may lie ahead, or maybe it's just acceptance in general. I have read posts on the microcephaly board all week, and I realized just HOW lucky we are. We all know that Jude's neurological issue may present itself at any time........but then again it may not! Why is it he is ok right now? Is it faith? prayer? random luck? Is it karma? Is it that we just don't know his issues? Who knows the answer, and if I start going into all that then I question why these other kids are suffering as newborns, and we were given a reprieve. Why they have temperature control problems, eating problems, cannot smile, cannot sleep, etc. Then when I question why I really start going a bit crazy. Therefore, I think I have let it all go. I was stressing so much over Jude's medical needs, work, Em, medical bills, and just everything. I just feel different inside. I also feel like I may just see Jude run, and play. I wouldn't let myself think about that before just holding out that there would indeed be something wrong due to the fluid. Not because I didn't believe in him, but because my heart had been hurting for so long. I ached every time I heard more terrible news to the point I think my body shut down. So last night when I watched him smile, coo, and communicate in his own tiny way I felt so grateful. I am truly blessed.
Em has been having a bit of trouble with her school work which is unusual so we are working on that. It seems she has an attack of the lazies at school and home. She is a great kid though, and when I say trouble she is not struggling by any means. My point is Em is an honor roll student, and has no reason not to be on the honor roll. She just needs to take her time. I remember hearing that a million times as a child "take your time!". Now I am repeating the same thing to Emily. We all assume the parental role huh?

Well everyone have a great and safe weekend.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

CODE GOAT CODE GOAT!

When Jude is extremely fussy and starts crying in that machine gun type cry that babies have... Mike calls it the "goat cry". Let me explain what I mean by machine gun....it's waaaaaaaa....a.a.a.a.a.a....wahhhhhhhhh...a.a.a.a.a.a. So we have now classified that urgent someone HELP me now cry as "CODE GOAT!" (because it kinda sounds like a goat cry too). We definitely had a code goat kinda night folks! I have sang "Hey Jude" so many times I am literally hoarse, although it seems to be the only thing that will settle him down. For some reason today his daddy was able to calm him better than I could. Mike holds him up and Jude "Stands" on his legs and this makes Jude happy ......... for awhile. I am not sure what was bothering him tonight, but I have turned my music playlist on and he is very happy with me on the couch. Even little Emily was very concerned about her brother tonight. Since his soft spot was still sunken I did not panic and run to the ER. I couldn't feel any lumps, bumps, or swelling. He wasn't running a fever, and he had been eating ok all day per Suzy. So I guess he just needed to vent! After the goat episode was over I felt like falling into a chair and crying myself!!!!! We got home tonight again at 7. Maybe that's what is bothering Jude? In our society we strive to have nice homes, cars, good times, etc. Makes you wonder at times if the people that had old log cabins had it right. Just living off the Earth with your kids with no worries. I guess they also didn't have antibiotics, etc. There always seems to be a debate for something.

Oh yeah and I also agree with James opinion on some doctors...just grrr. (I saw your comment)

So would you like a laugh? After everything we have been through we always look for something to laugh about and keep us positive. We were just listening to my favorite version of "Hotel California" which is the live version by the Eagles with the 12 string guitar. Anyway, Mike had Jude standing on his legs and Mike was shaking Jude's tiny little booty. He was also singing in his "baby voice". I was cracking up!

Have a good night all.

Here is a pic of Jude on his dads lap tonight:
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Profound

I watched a recorded episode of Extreme Homemakeover tonight that was based on a family with special needs children. Mike and I pretty much cried through the entire episode from the family, to the disabled workers, to the expression on the children's faces, etc etc. To the quote spoken so eloquently from a special needs gentlemen who said "See the potential.......not the problem"

"See the potential............NOT THE PROBLEM"

I was moved, I am still moved, and I am humbled.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Good Morning!

Well I was so tired after my Friday I had mentioned below that I went to bed at 8:45 and didn't wake up until 10:30 on Sat. Jude had gotten up early that morning to eat, but snuggled next to me in the bed and slept too. It was nice, and I think he felt like we were back to old times before my return from maternity leave. He woke up at 10:30 smiling at me which was a great sight to see. So I attempted to Christmas shop this weekend, and I did get all the kids in the family knocked out. Although, I thought about installing lasers in my purse so I could zap all the people running into me at the stores. I was very annoyed!!! I went with my friend Kel though and it was so nice to spend some time with her. Jude was pretty cute too and slept most of the time.............until we got to Target. It's like he had a little baby sense that this was the store mommy really needed to go too so it was time to wail, poop, and play. So after my Christmas adventure I went back home and to Mike and we went to dinner. From there we went to my cousins to enjoy a good UFC fight, and 1 glass of wine to many for me. It was fun though, and I always enjoy sitting and chatting with her.
Em was at her dads this weekend, and we always miss her when she is gone. Although, I was able to get her some gifts while I was out, and get them wrapped. The other benefit was I got to wrap everyone elses gifts without her trying to help. It's sweet she wants to help me, but her wrapping looks well you can imagine...lol! So Jude was rolling more from his tummy to his back, and he is really working on that back to the front rolling. I am more encouraged at everything I see him doing. Last night while watching the Cowboys (WAY TO GO MARION BARBER) I was feeling the back of Jude's head. I realize it slops downward in the back, and then began feeling the back of my head. It seems mine does the same thing so I breathed a little easier. Jude's next neurosurgeon appt is Dec 19th. I am about to call to see when they will schedule the MRI after that. I know he has to be checked in to the hospital because they have to put him to sleep to complete the MRI. That in itself scares the living bejesus out of me! I honestly cannot imagine my life without Jude. Regardless of his issues Jude is our special little boy. So far I think we are so blessed with Jude's progress. He is a true medical case study.

Oh and Emily is doing much much better with her behavior!!!!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Ok.............

Well let me first start with the explanation of yesterday and then we will get into today's disaster and why I needed a glass of wine at 9:30am. Anyway, so yesterday Mike and I both leave work early, and get home to take Jude to the doctor. We knew to leave early because the traffic going to downtown Fort Worth is ridiculous. We talked on the way to the doctor about his hydrocele issue, and what they may do. I also told Mike that when I originally called this specialist to set the appointment the lady that answered the phone was less than professional. I had told her what was going on, and that I was referred. She then told me the soonest appt they had was Thursday and I took that without delay. I then asked her "will there be an issue with waiting or anything I should watch for?". She replied, "I just TOLD you the soonest I could get you in is Thursday". I was rather stunned at her reaction and again repeated my question, and she raging with irritated tone replied with her same answer. I then said "I UNDERSTAND that I am simply asking if there is an issue with waiting, and WHAT should I look for". So she said she would "just have a nurse call me back". The nurse did in fact promptly return my call, but I was then with a client. She left me a voice mail that said "I received your message, but we cannot get you in quicker than Thursday". At this point I don't EVEN want to go to this specialist and I call her back infuriated. "I didn't ask to get moved up quicker! I asked if I should look for anything on Jude that would constitute a medical emergency while we wait!". She then apologized and said the message she received was that I wanted to move my appointment up. I replied "I know that's what you got because the woman working your phones needs to go to communication school!!" She then stated there was nothing to look for, and he would be fine. Ok now skip ahead to yesterday, and we are still sitting in traffic...... and I suddenly realize this traffic is even worse than usual. Our appt is at 4:30, and at 4:20 I grow a little panicked. I knew we were only 10-15 mins away and I thought I should call the doctors office as a courtesy. Below is our conversation (and no I am not joking nor exaggerating in any manner).
I remember the entire conversation

Me: Hello, this is Jennifer Ortiz and we have an appt today......
lady: (interrupts) date of birth
Me: It's for my son
lady: (sigh) his date of birth
Me: I give that to her
Lady: Ok you have an appt today at 4:30 with so and so how can we help you?
Me: I am afraid I am stuck in traffic, I am about 15 mins away I just wanted to let you know
Lady: um ok
Said lady passes me to another lady
Lady #2 ~ Where are you at
Me: Belknap getting to Rosedale
Lady : Well the doctor has an appt today (she then sits there)
Me: Ok well what does that mean? Does that mean I should not come because I may be a few mins late?
Mike: (chimes in) Oh that doctor is SEEING my son!
Me: shhhh
Lady : Well I am just saying the dr has an appointment today.
Me: and AGAIN what does that mean? What do you want me to do?
Lady: Where are you again?
Me: I am on Rosedale we just broke free of traffic. I will be there shortly
Lady: Do you have your paperwork?
Me: What paperwork?
Lady (sighs) Um the paperwork we sent you
Me: Well if you had SENT me paperwork I would have it, but you didn't so no
Lady: So you don't even have your paperwork with you
Me: (now about to kick someones ass) No because YOUR office didn't send me any they simply took the info over the phone and told me to get our sonogram which I did. Now I have been on the road for over an hour trying to get to you and I expect to see this doctor. I understand we all have situations with work when we need to get out of the office but I am not even late yet"
Mike: Um someone is SEEING my kid
Me: My husband is upset with this situation and will want to come speak to the doctor
Lady: Look if he comes in here creating a scene I will call the police
Me: Um really? anyway what do you want us to do
Lady: You will have to be here by 4:40 or he will not see you today
Me: We are pulling up. (I hang up)

I walk in the door at 4:32 and ............ drum roll.............there are 2 other patients before us still waiting. We are the last patients of the day so we did not mess with their appts at all. We wait OVER AND HOUR to see the doctor that imposed a time limit on us. I was 2 mins late that's it! So I asked the doctor if he knew what his phone rep said and he in a very dry voice said "Yes, I did." I replied "Did you know we were right around the corner" and he said "Yes, but I think we are very malleable regarding those circumstances. We are victims of our own success". At that point I wanted to ring is little neck and shove his wikipedia laced brain into his butt, but I didn't. I figured it wasn't even worth my time because here sat an over educated pompous ass who has no regard for anyone else. So I looked at him and simply said "I understand." I then made reference in a very eloquent sentence that I have seen the majority of medical specialists within the Dallas/FT Worth metroplex. Therefore, I am becoming a bit of a professional when it comes to properly referring physicians around our area, and that half of a referral should be based on office service and he failed. He was obviously well educated, and very detailed oriented, but I don't need to be treated like I am less than human. He also stated that he required for his patients to be in his waiting room at least 30 mins prior. For what I wondered?? Just in case he is running ahead of schedule? So basically everyone needs to accommodate HIS life. So guess what folks: HE IS FIRED! F-I-R-E-D! I will find another urologist for my son. He did look Jude over and said there was something I should have been looking for which was a lump or a red swollen tender place by his groin. So his nurse was wrong about not having anything to look for. He said he was not convinced that the fluid in his testicle was going back to his abdomen so therefore to keep a watch of the lump. Then he is hoping the fluid would disappear prior to one year of age, and if not they would want to operate. He won't be operating on my kid though.
So we finally leave, and get to pay $45 for him to tell us basically nothing and for being treated like crap. We fight the ft worth traffic and head back towards our country area. I drop Mike and Jude at the house, and proceed to Emily's softball game where I am hoping she is winning. As stated last night though they weren't and we got stuck in a double header. Em was thrilled to see me, and my dad was so sweet to take her. So throughout her game my phone keeps ringing and the girls around me are cracking up. The first call

Mike: The baby is crying
Me: Babies do that
Mike: well he won't let me put him down
Me: He does that too
Mike: but I am hungry
Me: Well put him on his mat and get some food
Mike: Ok

Next call
Mike: the baby is still crying
Me: give him some gas drops
Mike: I am trying
Me: ok?
Mike: I am still hungry
Me: laughs - eat!
Mike: I may eat him......a little salt........eat the baby!
Me: laughs again ~ you can't eat the baby Mike!

Anyway, it pretty much went on like that the whole hour and a half of the game. When I got home I was panic struck me because Jude was crying.....and not just crying.....screaming! He was not himself at all. So I listened and heard him choking a bit and thought...reflux. I gave him some mylanta, fed him, and soothed him. He finally fell asleep in my arms and all was ok. Then today I take him to my cousins house because Suzie had a dr appointment. Only to get a call a bit later that she needed the base to the car seat, and that Jude didn't feel well. I rush back over there, and he is not himself again. So we then rush to his pediatrician fearing inter cranial pressure to his head, but he quieted down. He did start screaming again at the pediatricians office so he inspected him from head to do. I just LOVE LOVE Dr Anthony Scott if you ever need a pediatrician. He even put some drops in his eyes to look for eye scratches, but that didn't make Jude happy at all. He explained that babies can scratch their eyes and it can really hurt for days. He finally then agreed that he thinks it's a serious case of reflux and gave Jude a prescription. So here we are at my office..........and Jude has been snoring in his car seat since about 11 :). My aunt said "Your life is crazy you never catch a break, but when I talk to you you are just la la la la". I said "Because nothing phases me anymore I am getting used to this life and luck. I do think however that eventually God will give up and let me win the lottery". She died laughing.

See ya!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

So tired..........

Hey guys I just got back from Em's game. Turns out she had a double header because they lost their first game. She ended the season in third. I had to rush to her game from the dr, but only after I had dropped baby Jude and Mike at home. I then received MULTIPLE phone calls from Miks in hsyterics that the baby was bawling. I brushed it off as a "daddy gone crazy" moment only to come home to a bawling baby in pain. He is NOT like himself at all, and is finally asleep. So I am not typing long because I am a bit worried. I will type my long report and doctor story tomorrow. Have I mentioned I have a HUGE issue with doctor's that have a God complex? Mmmm, tune in tomorrow. This mama got VERY irritated and even threatened to sick her hubby on them...........sigh............heat of the moment (rolling eyes in shame).

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Wed

Well tomorrow we take Jude to see the urologist and we will see what he says about the hydrocele issue. I will be sure to post tomorrow night when we return. Emily also has the second part of her softball tournament so it will be later in the night when I write. So I went home, and told Mike about the infantile seizure videos I found online. I explained that one baby did the same throwing his arms in the air movement that Jude does. Jude also still arches his back and yells, but again it's hard to tell baby things and neurological disorder issues. While in the bath last night I really contemplated on the medical community and research done in Jude's area. We have research in most fields and aspects of medicine, but the neurological standpoint is still so vague. If I could do anything in life it would be to open a medical facility in FT Worth or Dallas solely focused on the brain. I would love to have a place where scientific research is done, therapy, and focus groups. Maybe the Jude Michael neurological center? Can you imagine raising funds for something like that though? I would also want it to be made available to EVERYONE even those who has issues with insurance. I would like it to focus on children - teens diagnosed in the womb, born with issues, or in accidents. The brain is so different from say the heart for several reasons. First off if you have a defect with the heart or a heart attack a doctor can predict your ailments and outcome. If you have a brain injury the doctor can never predict what the outcome may be unless it's brain death of course. There are people walking around with part of their brains missing and you would never know. People that have parts smaller than others, a build up of fluid, etc. One person may be profoundly retarded and the next somehow compensates. The brain is a strange organ and cannot be predicted. I know Cooks, Children's, St Jude's, and others work on neurological problems, but it would be nice to have a center that FOCUSES solely on that. I know when I found out I was carrying a child with potential problems I had nowhere to turn. I felt lost and very alone. I think it would be nice to have a center where people can visit, and have support groups for parents. So that's my thoughts for the day, but I have no idea where to start. Anyone know someone that can donate land, a builder who will donate a build job, etc etc? lol!!!!!

So my other issue is Emily. I emailed her father this morning and told him I was shipping her to military school. He thought that was pretty funny. She has been ORNERY and flat out mean! Yesterday Mike's mom was doing some laundry and asked Emily to help her figure out the dryer. Em just sat there so I told her to go help she muttered sighed and yelled "I DON'T WANT TO! I ALREADY SHOWED HER HOW". Then she stomped over, and it turns out it was her laundry anyway! So then Suzy tried to tell her it's ok she is upset and hug her and she pushed the old woman and said NO! Omg, ummmmmmm breath Jenn it's not legal to hurt the kid. Anyway, this is unlike my child. That was just the tip of it too because there is a lot more. She tried to tell her dad that the reason she was being this was was because Mike's sweet mom gets on her nerves because she is watching her all the time. I said "That's impossible Joe because she stays downstairs with the baby and Em is upstairs and Suzy won't go upstairs with the baby". So she is telling fibs. She comes home from her house fibbing too about his family, and I know she is. Oh and no she is not jealous, she is getting attention, she is not over tired, she is just being NAUGHTY! Her dad is being great though and backing me up. He said he believes she is trying to push me to see what she can get away with because she is becoming a pre teen. So we decided together that at the first sign of being hateful she goes to her room for the night......end of story! No more softy mom.............hopefully it goes well. I always feel bad when she gets in trouble, but she needs to be herself and this isn't her.

Ok have a great day!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Another work week

Well I am back at work again, and slowly beginning to adjust to this new situation. I got up this morning early, spent some time with Em, and then put her on the bus. That left me some time to lay back down with Jude, and it made me feel better. He laid there and smiled at me several times which made me very happy. So it seems my life is beginning to take on a bit of a routine I guess in regards to work, household, and family. Granted that will change when Mike's mom goes back home, but I am learning to adjust. I still don't sit down until about nine every night, but it is still my house and relax time. Mike is running errands today for the house he is working on. It rained pretty hard last night so he was worried about the drive there with his guys, the boom lift, and the temp. So he is busy getting paint, ladders, and such with his brother today. Once Mike is 100% well, and we get this company off the ground I really think he will do very well!!! We are lucky some friends helped us find this job because I think it will look great on his portfolio. If you need painting, sheet rocking, fence staining, etc please let us know...ha!
So I discovered a new microcephaly support forum, and I signed up. I didn't sign up because I think Jude has this, but only to educate myself further. Whether he does or doesn't I would like to be aware of signs and symptoms. I would also like to help form charities or groups that can help children out with this issue. It seems our communities are not vastly aware of the issue called microcephaly and the potential serious problems it creates. I am VERY lucky so far because there are many women on this forum who will deal with medical issues the rest of their child's or their lives. I had a woman email me yesterday who truly touched me! I had posted an email introducing myself, and basically asking for what signs I should look out for. She wrote me back and explained who she was, and explained what she had been through. Her child was not like Jude because her baby had no signs of any issues on their sonograms. I believe she said around 36 weeks she noticed the baby had stopped moving. She rushed into the hospital only to find out she had suffered a placental tear or something to that nature, and she had to deliver the baby immediately! The baby had lost a lot of her blood, and as a newborn suffered seizures. So she has been dealing with the fact her daughter will have some issues. She said her baby is 7 1/2 months and just now smiling and only randomly. I realized how lucky I am that at 2 months Jude was smiling. She said she has also a very difficult time with her because she will not sleep nor lay on her back. Again, I am counting my blessings. Although, she has no idea if the little girl will just have mild issues, or severe. It's just like Jude we just don't know, but we do know he looks good. He has some twitches, and such I think could be some small infantile spasms, but besides that Jude is growing, healthy, and happy!!! In regards to the spasms he never does those unless he is laying on his back, and if he is picked up they stop. So I am still not that worried. The lady also said that at times she wonders why everyone else could move on with their lives while hers is still devastated. I told her I 100% understand the feeling she is talking about. Like the world she stop and realize how difficult your life is.....but it doesn't work that way. On a positive not I also told her about my little cousin who NEVER slept and cried constantly as an infant.......and today she is BRILLIANT. She graduated high school and entered college at 15! So we never know what direction our lives are going to go.

Also, I did set the appointment with the urologist about Jude's other issue and that will be on Thursday at 4:30. I had called his pediatrician who said he has never seen a case of infant hydrocele not caused by an underlying hernia. I started talking and asking him medical situation regarding that area, and he stopped me. He said "How do you know all this stuff?". I said "Because I have been to medical hell and back within the last year and could probably have a degree handed to me and be your nurse". He just laughed and agreed.

Here is a new pic of Jude.
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Sunday Sunday Sunday

Well it's Sunday.. the day we normally watch the Dallas Cowboys in such anticipation of a win that we fall down on the floor screaming if they lose. Well ok........it's not normally THAT bad unless.... it's Tony Romo fumbling the ball in the playoffs, and decides to run to the end zone for the winning touchdown, but doesn't make it. That play honestly makes me cringe every time I see it!!!! Yet today it was a bi-week so we were not glued to the TV watching our boys in Blue. Therefore we spent a family day out together, and it was very nice except for Emily being very moody. I explained to her that when someone is grumpy, yelling, and hateful it rubs off on everyone else and creates a negative atmosphere. My point was made when Mike got in the same mood when a neighbor called saying one of Mike's Jack russell terrorists had pulled a Houdini and escaped again. I turned to Emily and said, "See how someone being grumpy rubs off on you". She said "I definatley understand mommy!" lol
Jude has been very good all weekend, and his hydrocele issue does not seem to be botherinh him. I will have to call his doctor tomorrow to see if I need to see him next week with Jude, or take a trip out to Cooks. I looked at Mike earlier and said , "Despite being positive reality says there is a possibility this could be one of many trips to Cooks. We are lucky to be so close to a fabulous hospital". Luckily, Jude is still not displaying any signs of seizures which we are very thankful for. It is my understanding that seizures can sometimes be hard to spot in babies. I was worried that was happening because he has been arching his back, and shaking his right hand while screaming. Although, from what I have read a seizure will create the same issues on both sides of the body, and moving the baby will not cause them to stop. If I move Jude he will stop arching. I had a long conversation with a friend of my cousins at the party she had this weekend. Her daughter was born with mild spina bifida, and she had NO idea she was going to be born that way. She said she is actually very happy they didn't have any idea because even though you say "I will never terminate" you never know until you are in that circumstance, and determining someones fate. I told her it was nice to have someone that understood to talk to. She said it's the waiting that is the worst thing, and I agreed 100%! I told her at Jude's age it's really a guessing game, and she said she thought the same thing when her daughter was tiny and is still like that now that she is older. Plus, with the issues our kids have if they start displaying problems there is no "going back", or "fixing it" it's only dealing with the situation from here on out. Yet you do this because that's your child and you love them dearly. Mike told her that he watched a show on kids with tourets whose parents decided to have their children even though they knew in utero the child could have serious problems. He mentioned there was one girl that during being interviewed started having an episode, and afterwards she burst into tears and mentioned she wished she had never been born. Mike teared up in front of them and just simply said "I know I made the right decision for ME I just hope I made the right one for him so he doesn't hate me." That sentence to me speaks volumes and sums up what our struggle has been like. Yes it's a child and we love them with all our heart, but we love accident victims that have no brain function left too. So we reach deep down and find our faith, and lately I have prayed and believed harder than I ever have. I struggled with blaming God, not believing, and just feeling empty. I was more spiritual than I was a christian, but now I truly believe God is watching over us. I prayed the other night HARD on the way to the ER telling him I am DONE and that the bible says he would never give me more than I can handle and I am at my max. He listened because he knew I was serious this time. I am a very strong woman and I know it, but I was broken. I needed a weekend of being put back together again like humpty dumpty, and luckily they were able to put me back together again...lol. By the way a BIG thanks to Kel for offering to pick Jude up every day to ease my stress...what a sweet offer...it made me tear up.
Anyway, I also talked to my cousins brother in law who I found out USED to work for the same company I do now. Although he was an adjuster not an agent. I actually had my adjuster license, and I have thought long and hard about going into claims. He said he quit that company "because....because..........because........." (he was stalled). I said "Because they are on the customers "side" but not the employees". He looked at me surprised then smiled and said "You took the words out of my mouth!!!". I said "Well I work for an agent that truly cares for me and I like him, but you think the company knows I have been with them for almost 15 years....um they could give a sh**! The sad part is I have been there SO long I remember the old owners and they always included all the employees not just corporates employees. There wasn't a separation of any offices". Anyway, I told him I liked my job, and he said he liked my agency and remembered us, but he also said you should be making more with your experience and you need to research claims. So maybe I will eventually, but there is something to be said for seniority, leniency, and Sarah! lol. Maybe it's a little bit post partum to blame for the reason I bounce back and forth on my job, or maybe it's just truly time for change and I don't want to proceed. As long as I can keep my co-worker and one of my best friends Sarah and her funny hubby Chadd in my life I will be happy.

By the way if I haven't told you Jude sleeps from 10-7 EVERYDAY! He is a wonderful wonderful baby! He smiles, coos, laughs, and today turned towards me when I called his name. We are blessed. I am also blessed that another little girl just came trotting downstairs to tell me I am the best mommy ever (big smiles)

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Time marches on.......

Well let me tell ya folks the fun never ends around this joint so strap on your stirrups and get ready for a ride. I come home today and Jude is a bit fussy, but he seems to be perfect when I am holding him. Em and I assume he is just missing mommy, and I truly believe that was the case regardless of the following story. Well Mike and I had noticed that for the last few days Jude's ummmmm testicles have gotten larger, and the left one VERY large today. We originally attributed this to the steroids that I had to take for the platelet issue. Today though when I went to change him I have a grape and a large walnut....uh oh this cannot be good. So I call Mike because I am not a guy and he says "OH MY!". Sigh....... so I call my cousin who had a son that dealt with a hernia, and she explains this could be a rather serious but fixable situation and need to get to the hospital. Hospital? I was never aware that testicular hernia's were that much of an emergency so now I begin to sweat I little. In addition to the swelling I also noticed there is a little discoloration to one of them. So I called the pediatricians after hour nurse, and I get told basically do not pass go and do not collect $200 and get my ass to the ER. I am now in full fledge panic! So i bundle Em up and drop her at my cousins, and Mike and I speed with Jude panic stricken to the ER. On the way I thought "enough........this is enough...I am officially broken...my body is tired, the stress is aging me, and Dear Lord I am turning all this over to you because I cannot handle anymore!". I then prayed for reprieve from our horrible luck, I prayed to break any awful curse, and I thought of karma. I pondered the word for a long time....karma........what does it mean? Is it repayment for hurting someone when you don't mean to? Is it life in general? I try to be a good person.........we all irritate people and lose friends, but what truly is karma. Maybe it's needing to set things straight by just saying to my ex husband "I am sorry I hurt you because if I could have resolved things without hurting you I would have." Maybe it's apologizing to my grandmother that passed that I watched after for not always being patient with her. Who knows, but the point of this blog is I was humbled tonight. I gave up fighting, stressing, and being on edge tonight .......... I just let go. I thought about how this could be one of many trips for us to the hospital. How regardless of thinking positive reality has a way of taking over. I also thought about how I cannot imagine my life without Jude, and how I don't think Mike would make it without him. With us it's not just a swelling issue it's the thought of if his brain can handle anesteshia, etc. Plus combined and piled with everything else life seemed very overwhelming for awhile. I could see tears forming up on Mike several times and I knew it was time for me to get my stuff together. No more worries about money, bills, or anything but my family from now on!
I walked into the ER thinking how sometimes the ER doctors think you are crazy for coming in, but how things never seem to be simple and no big deal anymore. Right as I was thinking that they whisked us back to a room with every rush you can imagine, but surprisingly I was calm. They put us in a room, and a sono tech came in to scan well Judes personals and he had no complaints (such a boy!!!). The tech recognized me from my stint in the hospital and she knew our situation. So rather than waiting for the normal "radiologist" she looked at me and said "It's just fluid.....relax". WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fluid.......?!?!?! what does that mean. Picture opening doors and the nicest doctor EVER coming through. He took out his flash light and shined it on the swollen issue, and you could actually see straight through...it was like a water balloon. He said it was no cause for immediate concern, but we did need to get him to Cooks childrens for evaluation. No problem there we explain since his neurosurgeon was at cooks. He said he was thrilled it wasn't anything more major, and asked why he had a neurosurgeon. I seriously pulled up a chair and began to tell him or experience. For the first time my words weren't broken or not making sense it just seemed to flow out of my mouth. He was SO sweet!!! He said he had 6 kids of his own, and his last one was born when his wife was 38. He said they made a HUGE deal out of her age and wanted to perform all kinds of tests on her like they did me. The difference is he understands that you can say NO and mean it. He told the doctors "No, because I won't abort even if it's Trisomy!". He looked at me and Mike and said he couldn't IMAGINE someone telling him something was wrong with one of his children. Then to top it off we talk a bit longer about lives, illnesses, and loss, and it turns out this guy was raised in a tiny trailer with a mom that didn't take care of him and no dad. Yet he enrolled in the navy and became a doctor.........AMAZING! He actually put himself through medical school and overcame his obstacles. I was looking at him in admiration, and the whole time it seems he was looking at us the same because he grabbed my hand and said "It's so wonderful to meet great parents". I teared up.........I teared up just typing that. I offered my gratitude and he said " No really it's so great to meet nice genuine people who truly love their child and want the best for them". Thank you Doctor Anson.........thank you! You turned our scary horrible night that went with our bad week into something with a nice memory with one sentence.
Thanks for Sarah for being on standby with Em, Kay for fielding a load of texts, and lil Jude for being so good on the table.

Have a good weekend all. I am off to have a bubble bath, and hibernate. Tomorrow little Juders is going to play with his Grandpa Steve and Grandma Kay while we go to Sarah's house for Johns 40th bday. Em is going to her Best friend since kindergartens bday party. She is finally feeling so much better, and after today she deserves a break. I won't let her play softball out in the cool weather, but I think staying with Maddie at her house will be ok.

Good night everyone.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Fyi

So I went to Old Navy on lunch to buy some jeans for jean day Friday at work. Keep in mind that I have been on my diet and it's a STRICT one!! I am not one of those chicks that complains about her weight, and doesn't do anything about it. So I fully expected to walk in there not being close to my regular size 6, but not being what I fit into either!! You can probably see where I am going with this blog. Picture a plethora of jeans to try on, a mirror that LIES, and thighs that are still pregnant. There was lots of pulling, tugging, cussing, and throwing. I thought about trying to rub my hangers together to catch the pile of jeans on the floor on fire it seems bonfires are not allowed at Old Navy.

So it seems the dang denim fairy hates me too, and if I find that lil you know what I will rip her little wings off her! So if you are searching for me tonight just throw me the life preserver at the bottom of the wine bottle. Hey If I am going to be fat I might as well do it up right. lol



Thursday, November 6, 2008

So stressed!!!!!!!

Well my day started off well because Jude woke up smiling, and I got to spend a little time with him before work. Em still had a fever but it had dropped, and she seemed in a better mood. So I went to work with my new positive attitude. The day went well ........ Sarah and I laughed, Mike took me to lunch (since I had lost my debit card), Em called in a good mood, etc. Em's dad was so nice and got her to the dr and she has a biral throat infection, but should be better soon. That was more good news.
Then the bottom dropped out.......so out that I fell through the hole. Picture a fire station and someone falling through the hole where the ladder is ...... that was me.....see me? eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek (that was me screaming on the way down).
First, Mike's dad called and told his mom (that is staying with us) that he was in the hospital. Turns out he had an appt with his heart dctr who immediately sent him in for an angioplasty (sp?) today and he didn't tell anyone, but called when it was completed. Not JOKING he really didn't tell anyone, but he says he is fine and Mike is taking him home tomorrow. Anyway, so that all worked out and hopefully he will recover soon. That is so like a man though to just not say anything. "Hey babe I am having a major procedure today and seeing how I am elderly this could be an issue" NOPE NOTHING. He just called "Hey I had this done today and I am in room 260 but I am fine see ya tomorrow. " That would be like me "Hey I had the baby today it was no big deal see ya tomorrow people". Mike's mom is so funny about it too. She said he is grumpy so he got sent to the hospital alone....even though that isn't true. She is just adorable.
So the bad part is that once I got home today Mike and I started talking about next week when his mom goes home and the schedule for the kids. The original plan was that Jude would go to Mike's moms, and I would pick him up each day when I got off work. It's probably about a 20min drive in traffic to pick him up. Then Em would get off the bus with her friend Addison and stay there for a few minutes until Mike got home from his work and picked her up. Problem is Mike got hurt on that job! So he is now supervising a paint job an hour and a half away. So he mentioned to me TODAYYYYYYYYYYYYY days away from D DAY that he cannot guarantee he will be home by 4. OMG! I heard his words and my mind began to race and for the first time ever it started overflowing!!!

So this would mean one of the following......

1. Em comes home alone and could stay alone for 3 hours...not an option sorry folks I just cannot do that.
2. I ask her friends mom if Em could stay longer but this means until like 7 people...no way I am not putting someone out like that
3. I cough up another $300 to put her in aftercare, but they are only open until 6:00 or 6:30 and there is no guarantee I will be there in time to get her.

So if I came up with the extra $300 I could probably get my boss to let me go 30 mins early each day to make sure I get Jude and Em on time. Problem is I just picked up an extra $300 a month bill for Judes health insurance. I cannot do another small mortgage each month because that would be $600 more a month I wasn't paying. SO what do you do? I had everything planned as usual. I was responsible and did what I was suppose to, but now all of a sudden it's all falling apart. According to my husband I should demand a raise at work because it's owed to Sarah and I both. (I took a huge paycut to help my boss out several months ago). I have gone through all sorts of scenarios tonight......from going part time because I am paying more out now anyway to continue to work, having mike at home and me work, talking to Ems friends mom about her staying later, putting Em in daycare, putting Jude and Em both in daycare, finding a different job, drinking an entire bottle of wine (too bad I don't have any...damn diet), etc. So I have no idea how this will turn out. Mike cute Catholic mom insists the answer will be shown to hear from her prayers tonight. I cannot afford to go part time right now, and it would be fair to Sarah either. Maybe his mom really will get an answer to her prayers....I sure hope so. When did things get so difficult in life?? It seems like since April when we found out about Jude's issue that life has gotten increasingly more difficult. I am convinced I have a curse on me and plan to take a bath in cleansing sea salt. ....lol!! Sorry to complain people, but I had to write about all this. My husbands voice gets increasingly louder when he is stressed too which generally just makes me bawl. He grew up with 7 kids and that's how they were. My timid self isn't used to that and needs to get a thicker skin. I need to get a thicker skin with a lot of stuff I guess from work, to home, to all sort of things. Have a great night all. Just think tomorrow is Friday.......I am sleeping until 11 Sat.......you think I am joking? Call I dare you...ha!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I found it........

Ok I needed to compose myself after my prior post before I explained everything. I guess today was a combination of going back to work, a string of crazy emotions, and everything going wrong. Ever have one of those days where it seems like Murphy's law is hiding out on your hind quarters? The day seemed to be full of everything going wrong, but we all just have days like that sometimes. Emily kept texting me at work because her fever spiked up again. After that I called to check on Jude and he was yelling in the background and Mike's mom seemed a little stressed. So I felt overwhelmed because it was all out of my control. I guess it feels like it did when Jude was still inside and I couldn't see him and know he was ok. So I started getting teary and upset, but knew I had to suck it up and continue my job. Then the new system at work started acting crazy again, my lists were losts, clients duplicated, and labels not printing. I cried a little to Sarah and told her how much I want to work part time. It's not an option right now though, and she understands because she wants a baby so bad, and cannot imagine going back to work afterwards. I asked her "Do you ever feel like you hate feeling so responsible regarding our job, but then are thankful for having a good job?". She said "Are you kidding me?? I go from hating it, to loving it, to liking it, back to hating it everyday". ha! I guess it's the fact I spent 3 months at home, and I can see how much I miss during the day.
So anyway I emailed Emily's dad and asked him if he could help me with getting her to the doctor. He asked if I could just take her to care now after work, and I explained that I still had to take her softball pics we took to her team, pick up her homework, Em was begging me to come home, and I still had to cook dinner. So he was very nice and said he would be happy to take her to the dr in the morning...whew that will help.
So I left for the day to haul my lil well getting littler tail to the softball fields to drop off the pictures Mike took of Emily's team. They missed their pics with the professional photographer so Mike took the team photo's. They turned out very well. So when pulling out of the parking lot at work to rush the photo's off my gas light comes on. No problemo Jenn Jenn pulls into the gas station.......only to remember I left my debit card in the ATM machine. ARGH! So I have to rush to 7-11 on the other side of the highway to get gas, and then I almost got hit while pulling into the parking lot. I then rush in to write a check, and then off I go. I finally get everything done, field more texts from Em, and as I walk in the door I hear Jude screaming WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Oh my! He wasn't happy and everyone was at a loss. So I took over and gave him some milicon, held him close, and fed him 2 ounces. He turned into a happy little baby, and slept for a bit. When he woke up he wanted me to hold him and not put him down..........and that put a smile on my face. Emily gave me hugs and kisses and went up to her nice room that she loves, and I remembered that my job provides a great deal for her. I looked down at Jude and remembered that my job provides great medical care for him. So I again felt at peace and from that point on decided I would only be positive from now on. I remembered how lucky I am to have his mom here because with Em being sick I would have been out of work for days without her.
During my crisis I had tried to call Mike to vent, but his phone kept ringing odd and saying he wasn't available. Finally at 8:30pm my poor tired hubby called me from a strange number. It turns out his phone had been turned off in error, and on top of that one of his workers had a blow out. So Mike had to go get him, and then he finally got home around 10pm. He walked through the door beat tired, covered in paint, and barely had his eyes open. I said "looks like your day was as hard as mine". He just smiled though and everything was better!!! So I found my mind, I found my peace, and I am once again a thankful, happy, and reassured working mommy.

FYI

I just lost it and my mind. I am trying to find it and will have to post later.

Wednesday

It's busy and slow today at work, and I prefer it to be busy. When it's super busy I am able to concentrate on work vs my kiddos at home. It seems Emily's temp broke this morning, but she just called me and it has risen to 101.8. Therefore, I put an email into her dad to see if he could get some time of work to take her to the dr. I can schedule the appointment take her to him, etc. I just hate to call into work when I just got back Monday, but will if he cannot take her. The joys of balancing two lives. I got home last night and ran around like a crazy woman cleaning, doing laundry, attending to Em, attending to Jude, etc. I finally collapsed on the couch about nine thirty. I know it's just a matter of finding a balance and I will achieve that soon I hope. I know that at times your life can become overwhelmed with work, kids, and cleaning. If that happens then you lose yourself and you don't feel as good as you can. This is normally when women get overweight, and don't take care of themselves. I don't want that to happen because I like it when I have confidence in myself.
So I have decided that the reason why my boss wanted me back at work so bad was to relieve the pile of work on his desk. He isn't really used to having said pile and he seems very eager to hand it off. I don't mind and appreciate his confidence in me but I did come out of his office muttering a bit. Sarah laughed and said she knew exactly how I felt. I am still contemplating the part time work, but that will really take away from getting out of debt and such.
So I guess my mind is spinning in a million different directions, and my blogs probably show it. They probably are not riddled with the funny comments I normally have, but I will pick back up again soon.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Sick woes

Can you believe my luck?? Let me explain in detail. Last night I went to check on Emily because she had been very grumpy. I mean falling down on the floor stomping mad with me looking at her like I needed to hire an exorcist grumpy. Well when I checked on her she was asleep so I felt her cheek, and she was hot so I went and turned down the air. A little while later I came back and checked her again and she was now BURNING up! So we take her temp and it's 103!!! Oh yeah.......Miss Em doesn't play when she has a fever people. One minute she is fine the next minute she is 103 and higher. She has always been like that so I am lucky she doesn't get them often. I looked her over and concluded I think she has a virus.
This on top of the fact that when I got home Jude felt warm and his temp was at 99.4. Now granted with him his grandma Suzy had him in 2 onsies and I think he was just warm from the clothes. I had left two changes of clothes, and she thought I meant put both on him. Anyway, so this morning I got up knowing Em wasn't going to school. Then I begin to change Jude's diaper and BLAH he throws up everywhere it's in his eyes, ears, hair......sigh.........picture me running him to the bath. He just sat in the water all cute looking a little stunned. So now not only do I deal with the guilt of going back to work I have to deal with the guilt of not going to work. In other words a working moms nightmare. Although, my husband came through and saved the day. He loaded up his crew took them to buy all the paint for the new property he is working on. He then sent them on their way with paint, spray rigs, and caulk. He then came home and has watched both kids with his mom. I know his mom is just so sweet, but she is elderly and two of the kids sick may have been to much. So Mike has been updating me all day, sending me lil pics, and even recordings. So Em looked at me through her sickness and asked me "Why are we having such bad luck lately mommy...did we do something bad?". UGH! What do you say to that? Profound statement from a ten year old.
Last night I got home and Jude went to sleep in an hour. He got back up once to eat, but he ate with his eyes closed....it broke my heart. I pondered the working 8:30 - 2:30. I wondered which was more important being with them, or providing a nice life for them. I sat and wondered a lot. I then looked for my glass of wine, and remembered I am on my strict diet. So I headed to the tub and soaked for awhile. Bubbles seem to always make things a little better.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Back to work

I have been so busy today at work that I honestly haven't had a chance to update. I think that was good because it kept my mind busy. I did stop and call to check on Jude twice, and I was told he was doing wonderful. Emily also called me to let me know when she was home, and that her day stunk because she did a reading test all day. Don't get me started on the Texas education system based solely on having kids pass the TAKS test! I feel like that's all they do sometimes vs truly learning and enjoying learning. I am so anxious to get home and hug both of my kiddo's. When I left for lunch (which was very quick) my mind started wondering to Jude and thinking about what I was missing. It makes me sad it will be dark when I get home now. I miss my baby.
So we (Jude and myself) have a few more dr appts before the end of the year which I already cleared through work. Speaking of work I mentioned to Sarah today my confusion on looking for a new job. She said she thinks I have been content here because it is familiar. I remembered today that I do like my job, and know it very well. So that adds to my confusion...lol!
So I got a great encouraging email from Kay today on Jude's condition and it made me smile. In addition to that Kel called to check on me to make sure I was in good spirits. My cousin called yesterday too to see if I had "caught a cold" before going back..ha. I have a great set of friends and family.
So look at this adorable little face and tell me it looks like he has issues......I just see perfection.
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Sunday again

I had a little more time to write so I thought I would type some more. I failed to mention our great news regarding our health insurance. This is a prime example to our health care crisis in America and why people get so frustrated. So, I saved up to go on maternity leave, and saved up to pay my medical bills. With all the complications that Jude and I suffered our medical bills became outrageous early on in the pregnancy. Luckily we had met our total out of pocket expenses for the year so the health insurance was suppose to pick up everything in full. I called my health insurance and double checked to make sure Jude would be covered once he was born. I was told that he would be covered for 30 days before I had to request in writing for him to be added. In addition to that I was told I would'nt owe anything for the birth because I had paid up. Well the other day I started receiving ALL these bills from the Dr, Hospital, etc. I was very confused so I called the health insurance company who proceeds to tell me everything she could, but not the right thing. The girl didn't know what she was doing, and I was very confused! She kept telling me I had not met my deductible which made no sense at all. So after much research on my part it turns out that our works calendar year started over on 9/1...........I had Jude 9/2. Which means................you guessed it we owe ALL over again even though we just paid our deductible, etc. Oh it gets better...........on top of that since it was the renewal Jude was added from the 1st and we were retro activated to a family plan. Our ded is now $3k and our out of pocket $10k. OMG! Really???? I cannot afford that!!!! I know I am an insurance agent, but this is the reason I don't deal with health insurance!!! It's ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!!! Something should apply in my opinion because this was an existing problem that we already paid on........it doesn't work that way though. Ok there is my rant for the day. My friend Sarah said she is sticking a cookie jar for me up front at work...HA HA HA HA HA! I told her things always have a way of working out.
Jude is still being super cute today! He is giggling and laughing a lot, and is just a happy baby. Mike's mom gets here a little later tonight and is staying for the week. She is going to watch Emily for us when she gets home from school since Mike has that huge paint job over an hour away. This will help me a ton! I haven't scheduled Jude's three month appt yet, but I will be doing that soon. We have a meeting with the neurosurgeon in December, and they will discuss his MRI. I am still very hesitant about having that done since they never can give you any final answers. I just count my blessings that my son seems happy, and normal right now. Today when I was changing Jude Mike put his hand on his head and said he prays that his head will be normal because he didn't want things to change for Jude. I just smiled and wasn't sure how to respond. Mike says speaking about anything other than normal for him is putting negativity in the air for him so he rarely says anything about him like that.
I will write more tomorrow.

The day before d day

Well I am sitting here looking at my cute baby very sad I have to leave him tomorrow. The good news is he looks bigger today, he is smiling up a storm, and tracking us more with his eyes. Thus proving again that he seems very normal. In fact, I put his paci down today and he followed the paci all the way down to where I placed it. I got the cutest pic of him today on his dad's shoulder and as soon as I get it uploaded I will post it.

Anyway, I will post tomorrow from work. I keep telling myself I have to go back to provide a nice life for my kiddo's.

I hope everyone has a good Sunday.